Church Thanks God for 20 Dead, $Millions In Damage

The insanity of Christians is boundless. So is their smug lack of common decency.

In the early morning hours of Friday, February 2, tornadoes hit Central Florida, killing twenty people, destroying or damaging hundreds of homes and buildings, devastating property, and causing over $50 million worth of damage. One of the edifices that did not survive the intelligently designed weather was the Lady Lake Church of God.

Yet, on Sunday morning, the congregation of more than a hundred Jesus junkies arrived for an outdoor service led by pastor Larry Lynn. Local media covered this alleged feel-good story in a pious gush of enthusiasm. Lynn spread his idiocy standing in front of and between the church’s large broken wooden cross and an American flag, both icons looking as if they had been raised amidst the rubble of a momentous battle against the forces of evil. The significance of the flag was not explained, but perhaps the attendees were supposed to believe that an unnamed Middle Eastern cabal had attacked our great christian country with their faithless winds.

Pastor Lynn intoned: "I'd like everybody to take a deep breath, and let everybody who has breath today praise God.” And before you could say, “moron,” there they were, mumbling their hosannas in the wake of a terrible disaster for which no one in his or her right mind conceivably could have been grateful.

“Hey, thanks a lot, pal. You did good. Sorry you murdered my neighbors while they were asleep, but I trust you must have had a reason, even though I can’t think of one. Maybe they didn’t pray hard enough, huh? By the way, I appreciate your sparing me. How much do I owe you?”

In one TV report, the minister did manage to find a bright spot among the wreckage. According to him, the church was in need of improvements anyway.

In other words, his deity massacred a score of innocents and caused financial and personal ruin to thousands of others, just so that the church could be given an excuse to expand. Not one so-called newsperson dared to point out that all the money spent rebuilding the church could, perhaps, be much better used helping people rebuild their lives.

Also in attendance at the prayer meeting was Florida’s governor, Charlie Crist (no “h”), who canceled his Super Bowl visit to show up for the photo op. Crist praised and congratulated the congregation for coming together, as if it would have been a cosmic catastrophe for them to miss their obviously worthless weekly worship. While the Southern states may not actually endorse a particular brand of Christianity, they do what they can to encourage any and all examples of religious mumbo-jumbo.

Despite dozens of TV and radio reports about the twisters, none of the interviews broadcast so far has reflected any sentiments other than those, like Lynn’s and Crist’s, that are routinely trotted out in the aftermath of natural disasters. Survivors assert that god must have been watching over them—unaware of the implication, of course, that he chose not to protect those dismissible others, the ones who died.

Not surprisingly, television viewers and radio listeners have yet to hear someone say: “Gee, now that I think about all this, maybe there is no god, after all.”