Sunday, June 10, 2007

Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton

Note to my regular readers: OK, here’s the deal. I’m writing this post (which by the way has very few facts in it about Paris Hilton) as an experiment. I just want to see how many search engine hits I receive from people who have nothing better to do with their lives than look for “information” about — what’s her name again? — Paris Hilton.

Note to the inquiring minds who keyed the words “Paris” and “Hilton” into their search engines: Welcome. You’ve stumbled onto a blog written by an atheist. Please try to remember that the “e” comes before the “i.” An atheist is a person who doesn’t believe in any gods or supernatural beings, including Jesus Christ and Paris Hilton. Also, let me assure you that I will not steal into your house in the middle of the night and burn your bible. That kind of stuff is not an atheist’s specialty; you have to go to the fundamentalist Christians if you want your library set on fire.

Some famous celebrity atheists are: Lindsay Lohan, Rosie O’Donnell, Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise, and the entire cast of Lost. Well, maybe I’m wrong. I don’t keep track of celebrities, and I sometimes get them mixed up with each other. I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference between Cameron Diaz and Kirk Cameron, but I never remember which of the Wilson boys is Luke and which is Owen. By the way, I think everyone I mentioned in that sentence is also an atheist, except maybe Cameron Diaz. But I can’t be certain. However, let me assure you that atheists do not keep secret lists of one another so we can raise vast amounts of money and/or mobilize millions of militant “soldiers” for our cause. Once again, you’d have to ask the fundamentalists to do that.

In any case, I don’t know whether Paris Hilton is an atheist or not, but somehow I doubt it. That’s because I suspect she doesn’t think about metaphysics much. People who really care about metaphysics—or any branch of philosophy, really — don’t tend to obsess over fancy clothes and expensive cosmetics. We’re interested in inner beauty, although not usually to the extent that we want to flash our organs publicly. At least, not most of us. Let me assure you that atheists will not threaten your family’s values by forcing you to look at our privates. That, too, is best left to fundamentalist Christians, and, of course, Catholic priests. And maybe Paris Hilton, too.

As long as you’ve found yourself at an atheist’s blog, why don’t you read one of the other posts I’ve written? You can find out what we atheists think about

  • Abortion: Contrary to popular opinion, we do not urge everybody, regardless of gender, to get one just for the hell of it.
  • Evolution: Despite what you’ve heard, we don’t festoon our walls with portraits of our ape grandparents.
  • Gay Marriage: Nope, we do not encourage everyone to get hitched to a same-sex partner just to annoy the evangelicals.
  • The Beginning of the Universe: Well, honestly? Not unlike Paris Hilton, we do go for the Big Bang.
You can also search for a specific word or term, to see where I’ve mentioned it before. Try typing the name “Paris Hilton,” for instance, just to check out how many times I’ve written about her in previous posts. Here’s a hint: Zero.

So, to sum up: Paris Hilton may be an atheist, but I doubt it. Paris Hilton also may enjoy showing off her naughty bits. Both atheists and Paris Hilton like the Big Bang. And I have never mentioned Paris Hilton in this blog before.

You now know everything you need to about atheists. I understand, though, that you still may want to find even more details about Paris Hilton. So I'll thank you for reading this post about her, and say goodbye. At some later date, when you've learned every single fact you can about Paris Hilton, you might also enjoy searching for some of my other great entries: O.J. Simpson, O.J. Simpson, O.J. Simpson; Anna Nicole Smith, Anna Nicole Smith, Anna Nicole Smith; and, of course, James Dobson, James Dobson, James Dobson. That’s another group of celebrity atheists, I think. Of course, I’m not positive. I’d ask Paris Hilton, but what does she know?

14 comments:

vjack said...

I did something similar recently (although mine was actually a rant on the constant Paris Hilton coverage by the media). Based on my experience, you will get hits and lots of them. Hopefully, some of them are curious enough about atheism to read on.

The Exterminator said...

vjack:

Yes, I enjoyed your post and left a comment. In fact, it was yours and four or five others like it that indirectly inspired me to write this one.

I don't really expect tons of hits; my first paragraph was really meant to be tongue-in-cheek. (I assumed that anyone whose search engine includes an excerpt would probably discover that my post "has very few facts about Paris Hilton.")

Still, you can never underestimate the intelligence of Web surfers. I did get quite a few oddball readers this morning; one was a person in Vietnam who linked to me from, of all ridiculous things, a Paris Hilton aggregator. Yikes.

I also got hits from people searching for "Cameron Diaz" and "Owen Wilson."

So the mere dropping of any celebrity name will draw a few new people to a site. I plan to mention at least one famous person -- in addition to Jesus, of course -- in every single post I write from now on.

Do you hear that, Scarlet Johannson?

tobe38 said...

I've just realised - I can't believe I neglected to mention Tom Cruise, or any other celebrities in my Scientology article! What an opportunity missed.

The Exterminator said...

I agree, tobe, that you should have mentioned Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Leah Remini, or even someone who once associated with Elvis Presley, like his ex-wife Priscilla Presley or daughter Lisa Marie Presley.

tobe38 said...

Hmmm, I think a brief follow-up post may be in order; something along the lines of...

"following my post on Scientology, did I mention that the following celebreties are Scientologists?"

I hate the celebrity phenomenon. I even hate the word. What the hell are we supposed to be celebrating?!

Palm Springs Savant said...

For a bit fo humor, I wrote a fun post on my blog about Paris Hilton…stop by and check it out:

http://rickrockhill.blogspot.com/2007/06/dr-wang-channels-conrad-hilton-beyond.html

Bob said...

I read an article this morning which left me suspicious, wondering whether Paris Hilton’s incarceration hoopla is actually part of a brilliant publicity stunt orchestrated by her father and others in the Hilton Hotels empire.

Published Thursday in USA TODAY under the headline, Jailhouses rock as overnight lodging, the article opens with the question, "Is going to jail cool?" -- an obvious reference to Paris Hilton's headline-grabbing in-and-out stints at the Los Angeles County Jail. The answer to the question came in the form of a pithy piece introducing readers to a trendy new adventure known as jailhouse lodging.

I didn't make it past the article's lead paragraph before THE question popped into my mind:

Could it be that the Hilton family is planning to buy the Los Angeles County detention center known as the Twin Towers, rename it The Paris Hilton and convert it into a trendy new jailhouse hotel?

Certainly, it's not beyond anyone's imagination in today's "Top This!" environment that The Paris Hilton would serve as the flagship property of a new jail-house arm of the worldwide lodging chain.

The lockup's cafeteria could be converted into a chic night spot. The medical/psychiatric section could become a posh celebrity rehab center for folks like Britney Spears, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and other so-called "Hollywood stars" to get away from it all after having "one too many" in public. In reality, the possibilities for expansion are endless as cash-strapped city, county and state governments face growing prison populations that require new and improved facilities, the likes of which Hilton money could surely buy!

Keep your eyes on this one folks...and, remember, you read about it first at Bob McCarty Writes™

Anonymous said...

mullah cimoc say paris hilton the good and the courage. him not run away, but go to jail. this calld the charcter.

she the beautifuyl and the natural and having so many baby in future to be good wife and mother.

but lesbian ameriki and lesbian ameriki mans hating her for natural the beauty and normal liking the boy.

ameriki so wicked and hate the woman unless she killing the baby and liking the lesbian.

in waziristan this not happen. father him not allow anyone hurting him daughter. taking the "special measure". but ameriki so tame now. no respect for self.

in waziristan whole clan attacking this wicked judge and destroy, and also destry him entire family, to include even the second cousin. and burn with fire. and all grave of ancestor destroy and give bone for dog.

hypocrite liar ameriki say him "free" the womans but in true..ameriki woman the whore with LBT (low back tattoo) and hate husband. only free to having the abortion kill bnaby , to being slut and bad wife not cooking.

so soon all ameriki need make freedom and destroy controlling of usa by masters in tel aviv through spy in white house and pentagon.

for him true and good info: cimoc@lgcy.com

Sarge said...

It was informative, this coverage of the "Hilton Crisis". Some airhead with too much money and the brain of a ferret gets buckled not once, twice, but three times and has to pay the piper. Some talking head was defending this house arrest thing, saying that for someone like her it was a great deprivation. Another one opined that other persons would have been in the slammer forthwith and posthaste without anything like what she was tendered. First head snapped with strainned patience, "Well, yes, but it's not like they're REAL people."

That goes a good way to explaining our defacto "queen mother"'s comment in the stadium after Katrina that the people in the stadium never had it so good.

When the revolution comes...

Legitimate Researcher said...

I'd like to register a complaint. Could you please pass this on to whatever corporate conglomerate actually owns this blog, because it's obvious you're just a patsy for them.

I was doing a legitimate Google search on atheism, and all I can find on this page is some blithering nonsense about a Hotel Chain in France. WTF?

Gordonliv said...

Wonder if Paris Hilton ever Googles her own name.

If she does, and she finds this, she might try to get her own back on you by starting a blog with the title "Atheism, atheism, atheism", then commencing her first blog posting, "This blog entry has very few facts about atheism in it."

She may well go on, "However, here is a picture of my tits."

rmacapobre said...

> Some famous celebrity atheists are: Tom Cruise ..

tom cruise is a scientologist

nullifidian said...

rmacapobre wrote: tom cruise is a scientologist

Yes, he's a stupid atheist. We don't all have something between our ears, sadly.

Paris Hotels said...

Interesting article. I want to write about her Hotels. I like to travel around the world thorough last minute travel. Sometimes I book Hilton Hotels. They very suitable for me on their price and their design.