Rules for True Atheists

K.C. over at Bligbi recently wrote a good entry in which she takes a stand against the concept of a “true” atheist. Basically, she wisely refuses to accept that there's some kind of freethinking orthodoxy we all ought to follow. You might notice that I posted a comment agreeing with her.

Rethinking my position, however, I’ve come up with a list of certain minimal and fundamental actions that I feel should be taken by all "true" atheists:

• Whenever possible, kiss a Hindu actress in public.
• Affix the following warning sticker to every DVD copy of Going My Way and Boys Town: Caution: Inspiring children to trust Catholic priests may result in molestation.
• Sponsor an annual contest to award prizes for best cartoons depicting Mohammed as a talking duck. (First prize: One year of free bodyguard service)
• Issue a statement, allegedly from god, rescinding all supernatural gifts of land to Jews.
• Cross out the phrase “In God We Trust” from all U.S. coins and bills, and replace it with the phrase “This Is Good for Buying Stuff.”
• Start each public school day with a silent affirmation of neo-Darwinian theory.
• Flood televangelist phone lines with the Johnny Mathis/Henry Mancini recording of “When You Wish Upon a Star.” (Other acceptable cheesy versions include those by Dion and the Belmonts, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Linda Ronstadt, Ringo Starr/Harry Nilsson/Herb Alpert, Christina Aguilera, and the Bush White House.)
  
• Boycott all Chinese restaurants that serve fortune cookies, unless each fortune is accompanied by the note: "I'm Confucius, and I approved this message."
  
• Spread the rumor that Shakespeare’s plays were really written by Dr. Seuss when he miraculously traveled back in time to the 16^th and 17^th centuries. Then urge school boards to “teach the controversy.”
• Wait until very late on a Friday night, then go door-to-door to Jehovah’s Witnesses’ residences, and invite them to read the latest copy of Skeptical Inquirer.
• Avoid quoting from the bible in all biblical disputations, insisting instead on citations from Mark Twain’s diaries of Adam and Eve.
• Refuse to vote for any political candidate who mentions “god” or “faith.” (Note: Plan to sit out all elections.)
• After every natural or man-made disaster, attend a house of worship, raise your hand, and ask the officiant: “Could you explain the lord's plan to us again?”
• Go out of your way to wear garments “mingled of linen and woolen” fibers, in defiance of Leviticus 19:19.
• Don't believe in any gods.