Saturday, April 28, 2007

Rules for True Atheists

K.C. over at Bligbi recently wrote a good entry in which she takes a stand against the concept of a “true” atheist. Basically, she wisely refuses to accept that there's some kind of freethinking orthodoxy we all ought to follow. You might notice that I posted a comment agreeing with her.

Rethinking my position, however, I’ve come up with a list of certain minimal and fundamental actions that I feel should be taken by all "true" atheists:

  • Whenever possible, kiss a Hindu actress in public.
  • Affix the following warning sticker to every DVD copy of Going My Way and Boys Town: Caution: Inspiring children to trust Catholic priests may result in molestation.
  • Sponsor an annual contest to award prizes for best cartoons depicting Mohammed as a talking duck. (First prize: One year of free bodyguard service)
  • Issue a statement, allegedly from god, rescinding all supernatural gifts of land to Jews.
  • Cross out the phrase “In God We Trust” from all U.S. coins and bills, and replace it with the phrase “This Is Good for Buying Stuff.”
  • Start each public school day with a silent affirmation of neo-Darwinian theory.
  • Flood televangelist phone lines with the Johnny Mathis/Henry Mancini recording of “When You Wish Upon a Star.” (Other acceptable cheesy versions include those by Dion and the Belmonts, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Linda Ronstadt, Ringo Starr/Harry Nilsson/Herb Alpert, Christina Aguilera, and the Bush White House.)
  • Boycott all Chinese restaurants that serve fortune cookies, unless each fortune is accompanied by the note: "I'm Confucius, and I approved this message."
  • Spread the rumor that Shakespeare’s plays were really written by Dr. Seuss when he miraculously traveled back in time to the 16th and 17th centuries. Then urge school boards to “teach the controversy.”
  • Wait until very late on a Friday night, then go door-to-door to Jehovah’s Witnesses’ residences, and invite them to read the latest copy of Skeptical Inquirer.
  • Avoid quoting from the bible in all biblical disputations, insisting instead on citations from Mark Twain’s diaries of Adam and Eve.
  • Refuse to vote for any political candidate who mentions “god” or “faith.” (Note: Plan to sit out all elections.)
  • After every natural or man-made disaster, attend a house of worship, raise your hand, and ask the officiant: “Could you explain the lord's plan to us again?”
  • Go out of your way to wear garments “mingled of linen and woolen” fibers, in defiance of Leviticus 19:19.
  • Don't believe in any gods.


Adam said...


tobe38 said...

Brilliant! Hilarious. So long I've searched for a perfect set of instructions to live by as an atheist - my search is over!

Catherwood said...

I just finished reading the list. I'd like to get started on my
attempt to do as many of the items on it as possible. However, I'm not sure I can find a Hindu actress here in Daytona, even at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. And that one about the cartoon contest seems especially difficult given that the one years free body guard protection seems to only be for the contest organizer. Based on past events it's going to be hard to get contestants if there's no protection for them.

The Exterminator said...


Maybe you could find a kissable Hindu NASCAR driver, instead.

Joe said...

Does a hemp/coptton shirt count? I sure hope so, as the shirt I'm wearing as I type this had pot leaves all over it.

Taner Edis said...

Very funny. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

translation: be an intolerant jerk to anyone who doesn't agree with me, but if someone is intolerant toward me, right a 3 page blog about how every religious person in the world sucks and is mentally deficient and intolerant, in other words, behave like a hypocrite

Sargeist said...

That last - unsurprisingly - anonymous comment made me laugh.

For fuck's sake, anonymous wankers, learn the different between "right" and "write". Not to mention those other other homophonic errors that people seem to interact with daily.

Yeah, I'm intolerant towards your lack of English skills.

I don't think ALL religious people are intolerant in a different way from those in which atheists are intolerant.

But I DO think they are mentally deficient. As Richard Dawkins said about Rowan Williams: "I think he's very bright. And I'm absolutely baffled about why he believes in God."

Mike said...

This great sense of humor is why I'll
be returning to this blog as long as the funny cows keep coming home.
I'm not usually a fan of blogs.

thinkingperson said...

I love the atheist blogs particularly becuase they bring out all the most moronic religious nuts who believe (or have faith) that they are correcting illogical silliness. What entertainment!

Post away anonymous - I am laughing.

heather said...

Brilliant. Almost painfully funny bits in there.

millinniummany3k said...

People have a right to religion. Or do you want to take away that right?

The Exterminator said...

The keen insight of your comment takes my breath away. The lines you're reading between must have been placed in my post by god.

Anonymous said...

really atheism rocks......its d ultimate truth..watever others say...dont mind anm atheist,,,...those who wants religion lyk a person who want to act under some rules...they hav no identity of their own...
so better bcome an atheist..and dont spent ur valuable tym on doing meaningless religious ritualssss......

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