Thursday, August 02, 2007

And Howard Stern Makes It Sound So Easy

So for those of you who are dying to know what my voice sounds like — and really, get a life! — there’s an opportunity for you to hear my words of wisdom dribbling out of my own mouth.

On Friday, August 3, Rich Orman of Dogma Free America will post his podcast interview with the Exterminator, which we recorded a few days ago.

I had, of course, planned to be witty and titillating, kind of a straight atheistic Oscar Wilde. I was wild all right, but the only Oscar I sounded like was the Grouch. Actually, the well-known personality I reminded myself of most was Ralph Kramden: a-hummina-hummina-hummina.

There’s a temptation to get preachy when you feel you have a captive audience. And believe me, I was imagining listeners figuratively chained to their seats, waiting eagerly for their audio to stream. So I did my tub-thumping best to get my points across. That’s what happens when you hand an amateur a soapbox. I was speaking my own words, but I was hearing William Jennings Bryan in the Chautauqua tent.

Which reminds me: Since I’ve recently put myself forward as an invisible-horse candidate for president, I’d better polish up my oratorical skills before I hit the campaign trail. As we all know from listening to our current commanderer-in-chief, the American public would never accept a leader who’s inarticulate.

At least I don’t think I ever said “it’s hard.” Our prez repeats that phrase so often, I think he must have issues about erectile dysfunction.

He also says “in other words” far more than most other speakers do. That’s because he can’t seem to find the right words the first time. In other words, he uses the wrong words a lot.

Anyway, Rich Orman struck me as a very nice guy, and he promised that I’d love the “edit.” I suppose I’d be happy if he inserts some phrases spoken by Richard Dawkins in that chittery Brit accent of his. But my guess is: unfortunately, it’ll just be me. With a tongue so tied no boy scout could unravel it.

In other words: a-hummina-hummina-hummina.

8 comments:

John P said...

With that lead up, we're now expecting big things.

Did you have to pronounce "Nuclear"?

The Exterminator said...

John:

I don't remember speaking about anything nucular. In other words, I didn't talk about nucular stuff.

Ron said...

Hey, man you were just fine. Good luck with your candidacy.

tobe38 said...

Hey Ex,

I thought you gave a very fine account of yourself - you spoke excellently. I really like your laugh, it seems really natural and infectious (in a good way!). ;)

It was nice to reminisce on some of your old posts as well - I'd forgotten about the confessions, and I never get sick of hearing Paris Hilton (who? I said PARIS HILTON) ridiculed.

The Exterminator said...

Thanks, Ron and tobe.

Ron: I've marked you down as a potential voter. That brings my count to two, you and me. The only positive thing I can say about my candidacy so far: I'm not having any trouble with the campaign finance laws -- because nobody has contributed any money.

tobe: Over the years I've been accused a few times of having a "sick mind." Perhaps that's why my laugh is infectious.

Flumadiddle said...

I think you did a great job, and you have my vote.

That's 3 total.

We'll get you into the White House, yet.

John P said...

I finally listened to it last night. You actually wax quite eloquent when speaking extemporaneously. Unlike Ralph Kramden, not a hummina in sight.

Good job.

sierra_lpn said...

I'm sorry Ex, you know I love ya, but lets face facts here...Ellen Johnson is just more of a babe than you. She's got my vote. Maybe next time! lol.