Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Ten Things I Believe That May Be Wrong

Atheosphere memes are stupid, boring, and annoying. I believe that, but I may be wrong.

So, in case I am, here’s a meme.

Think of some things you believe that may be wrong. Write them on your blog. Don’t tag anyone, but drop the hint that if your friends really care about your feelings, they’ll follow through with their own lists.

  1. A really intelligent person can’t be religious.
    Corollary: If you write in English without knowing the most basic mechanics of the language — spelling, punctuation, grammar, capitalization — chances are very good that you’re either a first-grader or a Christian.

  2. Spectators go to car races mainly hoping to see crashes.
    Corollary: There’s no fucking way that driving is a sport.

  3. You can get almost any household chore accomplished with a Swiss Army Knife and a roll of paper towels.

  4. Most bloggers, including me, are nuts in some way.
    Corollary: I only threw myself in there so the rest of you don't get insulted.

  5. When the word “adorable” is injected into a conversation, it’s time to change the subject.
    Corollary: Neither your cats nor your kids are interesting to the rest of us.

  6. Anyone who can’t finish The New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle in half an hour or less is inferior to me.

  7. One can live a full life without ever watching American Idol.
    Corollary: One can live a full life without ever listening to country music.

  8. People who shlep their belongings to Antiques Road Show are a little creepy.
    Corollary: Antiques Road Show is a covert arm of the yard-sale industry.

  9. If someone says he’s “for the people,” he’s hardly ever for me.

  10. Raisin Bran tastes better than plain bran flakes to which you’ve added raisins.
    Corollary: Cocoa Crispies taste better than plain Rice Crispies on which you’ve poured cocoa.

19 comments:

PhillyChief said...

Yup, cats and kids aren't interesting, but dogs are cool, unless you can carry them in a purse, in which case they might be called adorable, and thus become uninteresting.

Is doing the NYT crossword puzzle a sport if you make it a timed race? What if you have to do it while running laps in your living room, would it be a sport then? More of a sport than auto racing?
(As a spectator, I would be watching for a crash as well)

bullet said...

#3 - Throw in Duct tape and spackle

#10 can be tested by experiment and was several times in my childhood. I could never convince my mother, though.

John Evo said...

You weren't kidding when you declared yourself an elitist.

The fact that intelligent people are far more likely to be non-believers does not equal you can't be intelligent and a believer. My evidence? I think you are intelligent, yet almost everything in this post is a belief (although qualified). So you don't believe in god... whoopee. For instance, how the fuck would YOU know what most people go to car races for? You should have thrown in a roll of duct tape with the swiss knife and paper towels. Sure most bloggers are crazy. In fact, all of them are. Why? Because everyone is mental. This is an adorable post you came up with, but let's keep talking about it. Crossword puzzles are about as interesting as car races. One can live a full life without Beethoven. People who take their whole attic to the Antique Road Show ARE a little creepy. Why? Because everyone is wacky. People who are "for the people" are hardly ever for you because most of us are all against you. When you go to a nice restaurant and order a rib-eye steak, the baked potato will taste better if you eat theirs instead of bringing one from home.

Memes are boring. Picking on them is fun.

The Exterminator said...

Philly:
Dogs are cool, unless you can carry them in a purse, in which case they might be called adorable, and thus become uninteresting.
I believe that if God wanted pets to be carried in a purse, he would have made cats and dogs easier to fold.

bullet:
Throw in Duct tape and spackle.
Well, sure -- but now you're talking about an expensive tool kit.

Evo:
When you go to a nice restaurant and order a rib-eye steak, the baked potato will taste better if you eat theirs instead of bringing one from home.
And anyway, most restaurants prefer that you eat their food instead of bringing your own.

PhillyChief said...

If the biggest draw to car racing isn't to see a crash, why are crashes what dominate the highlights on ESPN?

When you go to a nice restaurant and order a rib-eye steak, the baked potato will taste better if you eat theirs instead of bringing one from home.

Maybe, but chances are the steak won't, which is why I don't order steak out. As an Italian, I also can't order most Italian food, and thanks to Mrs. Chief, most Japanese restaurants are verbotten. It's tough having high standards.

Memes are boring. Picking on them is fun.

True. I couldn't do this one, because mine would be just one, not ten:

• Everything
Corollary: but I doubt it

The Exterminator said...

Philly:
Why didn't you tell me all that before I invited you over for an afternoon of watching NASCAR and a dinner afterwards of tenderloin, sashimi, and lasagna?

yinyang said...

"... if your friends really care about your feelings, they'll follow through with their own lists."

Seriously? That's supposed to be incentive to do a meme?

PhillyChief said...

I was following the mistaken maxim of if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I take it you haven't gone to water the plants yet?

The Exterminator said...

Yinny:
You're doing quite well in your Advanced Cynicism course. As a (very) former teenage cynic, I salute you.

Philly:
No, watering the plants is Mrs. Ex's job. When it comes to vegetation, she's the one with the green thumb. I'm the one with my thumb up my ass.

PhillyChief said...

Well she might find some lasagna, fish and steak in the plants, unless the cats got to it all. Any of them look like this now?

Yinyang clearly has the young cynic's decoder ring. How much Ovaltene did you have to drink?

the chaplain said...

The correct corollary to #2 is this:
Fans go to hockey games mainly to see the fights.

As for #6, who reads news from papers anymore?

I agree completely with #7.

Notwithstanding your not-so-subtle hint, I'm going to pass on this list idea; for some reason, beliefs sorted into groups of ten give me the willies.

Spanish Inquisitor said...

NASCAR described in 5 words:

Drive fast, turn left. Repeat.

heather said...

"I believe that if God wanted pets to be carried in a purse, he would have made cats and dogs easier to fold."

Brilliant.
This should be stuck on billboards.
(In a slightly more atheistic format, of course.)

Your 1 and 10 are just not true. 1 because you have to define "intelligent" in a way that limits it to meaning "thinks skeptically" which is cheating.
10 because bran flakes taste like shit, with or without raisins. And (though I suspect I've never tasted Cocoa Crispies) real cocoa tastes better than the ersatz "chocolate flavouring" used in most cereals.(It's down to the percentage of cocoa solids or something.) But, real cocoa doesn't mix in cold milk so I might have to give you a pass on the matter of excessive powderiness.

7 could be made even more true if you change "full" to "much better".

infinity said...

lists are adorable, i have one, my Kids made it, about their cats,

Country music makes me angry, although I've never met a person who likes country music who isn't Christian. Maybe it's because they use y'all quite often and that's just poor grammar.

PhillyChief said...

Well Infinity, I would say a really intelligent person can't like Country music, so your observation that you've never met a fan of that shit who wasn't a christian seems to reinforce mine and Ex's hypotheses.

(((Billy))) The Atheist said...

Philly: I know we've never met, so your hypotheosis still holds, but I am not a Christian (though I used to be a theist) and I do like country music. If we ever meet though, its puncured.

Ex: Another corollary for #10: Frosted Flakes taste much better than corn flakes with sugar on top.

Number 7: Good. Gives me even more incentive to not watch it.

Number 3: What's the point of doing a household chore if there's no power tool involved?

PhillyChief said...

"Puncured"? Maybe my hypothesis will survive a meeting. :)~

The Exterminator said...

heather:
Your 1 ... [is] just not true because you have to define "intelligent" in a way that limits it to meaning "thinks skeptically" which is cheating.
Well, maybe you'd have to define it that way. I meant "intelligent," period. Now, as I pointed out in the title to this post, I may be wrong. But I doubt it. And, besides, how can I be cheating when I make up the rules.

infinity:
I've never met a person who likes country music who isn't Christian.
Good point. Obviously, (((Billy))) must be a closet Christian. I know this not only because of his admitted liking for that caterwauling, but also because he wrote "puncured," which looks suspiciously like Christian spelling to me.

On the other hand, he does have a pretty damn good atheist blog. So maybe there's hope for him yet, if we can force-feed him some real music and teach him to type more carefully.

(((Billy))):
Another corollary for #10: Frosted Flakes taste much better than corn flakes with sugar on top.

Yes, and here's yet another Corollary: Apple Jacks tastes better than jacks with apples on them.

And, by the way, everything tastes better when there's nobody yodeling country music in the background. Try it.

iambilly said...

I haven't been cured of punning yet. There is no puncure (except for death). As for music, two phrases come to mind: "If it sounds good, it is good," and "Music is like candy: it's much better without the wrappers."