Thursday, October 16, 2008

Solutions to Non-Existent Puzzles

  1. The Hindu drank the chai, the Christian had the iced tea, the Wiccan purchased the pumpkin frappuccino, the Muslim ordered the nonpork vanilla latte, and the Jew asked for just a free glass of water. Therefore, it was the atheist who stole the caramel macchiato.

  2. The two words are “numnuts” and “fuckwad.”

  3. 666 [number of hypostases of God (3) x total number of episodes of Highway to Heaven (111) x number of brachiosauruses that Noah invited onto the ark (2)]

  4. Graham, Robertson, and Warren are the liars.

  5. Buchanan = c. (homosexual); George W. Bush = b. (moron); Jefferson = f. (atheist); Kennedy = a. (womanizer); Madison = e. (midget); Obama = d. (Muslim terrorist liberal)

  6. SNEEZUS has a runny nose, PLEASUS is winking his left eye, TWEEZUS has no eyebrows, BREEZUS has unkempt hair, FREEZUS has an icicle hanging from his right earlobe, and CHEESUS is grinning. So, SQUEEZUS and JESUS are the two who are exactly the same.

  7. God [Note: Other solutions may be possible.]

  8. seven [one to notice that it’s dark, one to ask the Lord to show them the way to the light, one to collect donations to buy supplies for doing the Lord’s work, one to drive the truck that says “Jesus Loves You” to WalMart, one to preach the gospel to other shoppers, one to change the lightbulb, and one to shout “Hallelujah.”]

  9. In order, from left to right: Deuteronomy, Revelation, Leviticus, 1 Chronicles, Casey at the Bat, 2 Chronicles, Bambi, and Wasilla

  10. a. (none of the above)


Anonymous said...

All right! I love Jeopardy!

1. What is a survey of the beverages being consumed at your local Starbucks this morning?

2. What are codewords for John McCain and Sarah Palin?

3. What is the number of shopping days before Christmas?

4. Who are the Three Christoteers?

5. What are true lies about prominent American men?

6. What is the Wholly Specious?

7. Who is Voldemort?

8. What is how many Salvation Army people does it take to ring a bell at a red kettle?

9. What are tales that Tim LaHaye wishes he had written?

10. What is b, all of the above?

The Exterminator said...

All your questions are correct and hilarious. Too bad you forgot to buzz in.

Anonymous said...

Ex: I hate to be a nitpicker (and you know (I hope) that any of my suggestions are just that (and may be ignored at your (or my) own risk)), but I think that you transposed Bambe and Wasilla in number 9. The way you have it written subjects Bambi to the possibility of an aerial hunt (though wouldn't an Aerial hunt be going after mermaids?).

And in number 8, why do you assume that those doing the 'Lord's' work would notice it was dark? And if they did, why would they not just assume that darkness is what the Lord (Voldemort?) actually wants?

The Exterminator said...

I think you've gotten four terms mixed up. An "aerial" hunt is the search for TV antennae before all television broadcasting goes digital. An "Ariel" hunt is what one engages in if he or she wants to hook up with an island sprite. And an "areal" hunt is reconnaisance by helicopter in an attempt to find small towns just like Wasilla.

There's also an "Aryal" hunt, performed by and for Aryans, in an attempt to locate like-minded white, flag-waving, god-loving Protestants. Another term for this phenomenon is "Republican presidential campaign."

Anonymous said...

I should know better than to attempt word games with someone who has so very, very, very many more years of experience.

But what about Bambi's position?

The Exterminator said...

But what about Bambi's position?
I'd say that, given how close Bambi is to Wasilla, his position is not good. It's certainly not a position I'd want to be in.

Anonymous said...

I bow to the wisdom of your advanced years.

Go BoSox!

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