Friday, June 01, 2007

Carnival of Indoctrination

We English-speakers in the Atheosphere tend to focus on the claptrap spoon-fed by Christians to their innocent children. However, many other religions also enjoy brainwashing the young. In this, the first and—let’s hope—the last Carnival of Indoctrination, I’ve collected some choice gems from around the Internet. Enjoy!

Commentary
Many, many years ago, I substitute-taught for a week at a yeshivah in Brooklyn. When I passed out a test one day, the kids all reached into their pockets, and there was a sudden flurry of little cards. Each boy had placed a small inspirational photo or drawing on his desk. Walking around the room, I realized that the “helpful” pictures reminded me of Catholic saints. I said to the least unsecular kid, “I thought the Jews didn’t allow graven images.” He responded, “This is no graven image. This is my rebby.” The following game reminded me of that.
Instructions
Although the page doesn’t say so, you can move a piece just by clicking on it, as long as it's next to the empty space. I guess there’s a passage in the Torah explaining this.
Jewish Indoctrination

Commentary
A du’a is a personal supplication to Allah, kind of like a solicitation call to the sky. Basically, you’re free to ask for anything, but—and I’m giving you a big hint you don’t deserve—Allah seems to prefer that it not be a car or money.
Instructions
Click on the dropdown menu to see your choices. If you have some other ideas that aren’t listed, take it up with your imam.
Muslim Indoctrination

Commentary
The finished picture may remind you of THE virgin and child, but it isn’t. Jesus, as everyone knows, was not blue (except perhaps in the emotional sense). The infant shown is actually Rama (not to be confused with Rama Lama Ding Dong).
Instructions
Oh, yikes. Just read “How to Play,” f'chrissake.
Hindu Indoctrination

Commentary
This is actually my favorite of the sites. I must admit, though, that I expected to hear traditional Asian hymns. Instead, the featured music is the same insipid, twangy stuff that Christians used to go for before they discovered the money-raising wonders of ersatz hard rock.
Instructions
The instructions fail to mention that you have to anticipate the arrows, not just wait until they land. And the blurb about loading the hymns isn’t kidding when it says “You have to wait awhile ....” But patience is a virtue, right? By the way, once the song has started, there’s no way to stop it before it’s done, unless you exit the page. If you get bored of the game, perhaps you can practice clapping with one hand.
Buddhist Indoctrination

Commentary
Although it may not be apparent, this propaganda puzzle is for followers of the Baha’i faith, which was invented in the mid-1800s by a Persian who called himself Baha’u’llah. His message was one of world unity and peace, so it's obviously unappealing to followers of the Abrahamic cults.
Instructions
If you click on “New Game,” you can begin playing. Start at any appropriate letter, and move your mouse to block out a word. There are three different games available. Nothing against Baha'i, but I can't imagine how Chicago could be considered a “religious place.”
Baha'i Indoctrination

Commentary
This coloring book describes a typical spring day for little “witchlets.” You’ll find that their activities are mostly similar to those of normal evangelical children, except that these youngsters have a brief episode in which they seeing faeries. Notice that the simple-minded author couldn’t find a rhyme for the word “flew,” so she magically changed the past tense of “fly” to “flied.” Witches can do shit like that.
Instructions
This is a PDF file, and takes a long time to load. The upside is that you can print out the pages to color. Warning: Do NOT use your crayons on your computer screen.
Wiccan Indoctrination

Commentary
This is not an indoctrination for children per se, but I did want to share its message with all my readers. On first viewing, you may think that some kind of sadistic eye test is going on, but sit quietly and relax. Unless, of course, you have the same response that I did and the music makes you want to jump up and start belly-dancing. Note: Your wife will probably not be entertained by that.
Instructions
Duh. Click on “play.”
Zoroastrian Indoctrination

Commentary
Well, try as I might, I couldn’t find any sites specifically dedicated to brainwashing tots in Scientology. This interactive feature is the closest I could come.
Instructions
Set your E-meter to “Stupid” and go.
Scientology Indoctrination

Well, boys and girls, we've reached the end of our little fun fair, at least for now. But you know where we are. The next time you need your brain washed, ask your parents to bring you by for another visit. Remember: Your mind can never be too cleansed.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Commentary
Well, try as I might, I couldn’t find any sites specifically dedicated to brainwashing tots in Scientology. This interactive feature is the closest I could come.


Really? Surely there's something out there.

Maybe it's on one of the "psychiatry is a fraud" sites.

(Disclaimer: psychiatry turns out to pretty much be a fraud.)

g.

John P said...

You forgot the old classic. This'll wash your brains out.

The Exterminator said...

John:

By "old classic," were you referring to the link or yourself?

Anyway, shame on you. This post was for kids. Now we'll have to rewash their little brains -- with soap.