I'm Soooo Hot!

Oh, the doldrums of summer. It’s so hot where I live that I haven’t had the energy to think about my blog, except to come up with random titles that might attract some extra traffic. I sure hope the hell thing isn’t true.

Anyway, I thought it might be magnanimous of me to invite a ghost atheist to write a short essay and post it on my site under his or her own “name.” I put out a call to nonbelievers, and received dozens of submissions. After winnowing out the people who merely keyed in an essay by Carl Sagan or linked to a YouTube video featuring an adorable cat, I was left with ten possibilities. Below, I reprint an excerpt from each one.

Atheoso Furioso
... Those fucking fundies who live across the street from me think it’s OK if they try to convert others to their idiotic religion whenever they want. Every time I look over at their house during dinner time and use my binoculars to peek through their window, they’re praying! I mean, what gives them the right to shove Christianity down my throat whenever they feel like it? ...

The Happy Heathen
... and then, when I went to my fifty-ninth church, I again found many new religious friends who accepted me for the atheist I am. Gosh, Christians seem to be much more tolerant than I realized. After the service, they even asked me to come back tomorrow for a special art project! I’m not sure what we’re going to make, but it sounds really cool because it’s going to involve some tar and some feathers. ...

Shellfish Jean
... Now, clearly, the individual replicative units in clams and other bivalvia, in fact all the organisms in the phylum Mollusca, have no interest in propagating the species, per se, as they might have had there been a God to set the entire reproductive process in motion. No, contrary to what those brainless creationists may think, there’s no evidence whatsoever that clams, scallops, oysters, or ...

Godless Mommy
... I couldn’t resist this picture of Megan and Heather in their new “A” T-shirts. Can you? Cute, right? Anyway, when they put them on, Darwin, my youngest, (he’s the one with the missing front teeth in yesterday’s photo) smiled at me and said, “There’s no tooth fairy. Is there, Mommy?” I felt so proud. But I had to laugh when he added, “Jimmy told me God puts the money under our pillow.” Jimmy (you remember his snapshot from last week, don’t you?) should know better, since he’ll be seventeen the day after tomorrow. (I have to remember to wrap his present, a beautiful gold-plated “A” to wear around his neck!) I think my teenage genius was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I should probably question him about ...

PhiloSophomore
... So how, exactly, do atheists derive an ethical code if it is not given to us by a supernatural being from on high? How do nonbelievers decide for themselves what deeds are and are not moral in a world that seems to be spinning ever more quickly toward the ultimate triumph of evil? Of course, you might ask: What would evil’s ultimate triumph be? How would it differ from lesser triumphs? Are triumphs measurable against one another? And can evil ever actually triumph? In fact, does evil even exist? For that matter, does the world exist? And if so, does it spin? Now, obviously ...

Shmebster
... And of course, the Xtians immediately turn to Jeebus, as if he might ever answer their Prairs, which he won’t because he’s too busy worrying about whether everyone is wearing a Crotch around his neck and reading his Babel. The Jooz, meanwhile, hurry into their Tempulls, while the Muzzlins cry out loudly to Aha. We’re not sure exactly what the Himboos and Bootists do, but you can bet your ass that ...

Linker
... Bush is up to his old tricks again, I see. In a speech he gave last Thursday at a prayer breakfast in Houston, he warned of growing terrorist cell activity in a number of major cities across America. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, meanwhile ...

Christ-loving Athiest
... As I’ve written many times before, I’m not 100% comfortable with the term “athiest” to describe myself. After all, I do believe that Jesus died for mankind’s sins, was nailed to the cross, and rose on the third day. Still, if I can’t definitely call myself an out-and-out athiest, perhaps it wouldn’t be wrong to use the term “angostic.” An angostic is a person who doesn’t know for sure, so I guess maybe I’m one. I’m only 99% certain that Christ will come back in a blaze of glory one day, and ...

Sue deBastards
... Unbelievably, Associate Justice Bryson Petty wrote in Christian v. Lyon, “It is true that the Constitution does not guarantee a private citizen the right to lead the animals in sectarian prayer at a public zoo, paid for at taxpayer expense. However, the mere mention of the name ‘God’ or ‘the Lord’ or ‘Jesus Christ’ may not suffice for this Court to find a sovereign state’s law unconstitutional on its face, nor even on any of its other anatomical parts. As Associate Justice Colman Hanky wrote in Babar v. Simba, ‘The freedom to practice religion as guaranteed in the First Amendment does not stop at the elephant house door, but rather
...

God Eats Shit!
... Unlike many so-called militant atheists, I think it’s important for us to find common ground with moderate Christians, who, after all, may not understand that nonbelievers have no animosity ...

Well, there you have it. After giving these “auditions” much thought, I’ve decided to come out of my stupor and keep my blog up on my own. Watch for a new post soon.