Sunday, September 21, 2008

Haven't I Read This Somewhere Before?

Having been a denizen of the Atheosphere for nearly two years, I’ve learned a lot of things. Some of those things I’ve been told over and over and over, as if I’m in the dumb class. But I finally think I understand them now.

I’ve also accumulated a shitload of old posts which I’d like to urge my newer readers to check out. You'll find that the ideas expressed in them, as is so often the case with posts written in the Atheosphere, are all completely original. I know you won’t want to miss any of the great things I’ve written. (Sorry, but I haven’t yet completed my promised posting of all my high school compositions.)

So here’s a list of stuff I’ve learned, along with the titles of relevant posts of mine that you might have missed.

  • All atheists are always rational. When an atheist forms an opinion about anything, he or she weighs the facts carefully. That’s why we all walk around with scales in our pockets. If challenged, we atheists can even provide irrefutable evidence for our preferences in politics, sports, pop culture, and cuisine. (See my previous post: “French-Cut Canned Stringbeans Are Creationist Bullshit.”)

  • Everything important in life can be subjected to the scientific method. Great music, art, and literature can’t be analyzed or proven, so atheists don’t need to know anything about those subjects. Sorry, but the beginning of the universe affects us much more than some trivial Beethoven tune, Monet sculpture, or Shakespeare novel. Being educated about history is commendable, but only insofar as we can use our knowledge to disprove religious interpretations of past events. (See my previous post: “Ancient Mesopotamia was not a Christian nation.”)

  • Electing Democrats will change America for the better. Here’s the proof: Republicans will not change America for the better. That’s why Barack Obama has stronger qualifications to be president than those of any other person who has ever lived, except, perhaps, for Abraham Lincoln. I say “perhaps” because we can’t know for sure; Lincoln’s looks were never judged by the women of “The View.” (See my previous post: “Whoopi and Joy Go Ga-ga Over Abe’s Beard ... but Elisabeth Hates His Wart.”)

  • It’s crucial for us atheists to keep reminding one another that creationism is not only stupid, but a big lie. If we don’t keep telling each other about this, some of us will forget, and start believing in Genesis. (See my previous post: “Creationism is Creationist Bullshit.”)

  • Any atheist who criticizes other atheists about anything is not a true atheist. He or she hurts the cause. (See my previous post: “The Cause Says Ouch.”)

  • If elected vice president, Sarah Palin will bide her time until John McCain dies (or is killed by her secret minions), and then turn the country into a theocracy. It’s fair to judge her by her church affiliation, which is obviously a strong indication of her beliefs. But woe betide theocrats under an Obama/Biden administration. The Democrats’ god-pushing is merely for political expediency; those secularists who are sharp enough to read their minds know that both Obama and Biden are totally commited to separation of church and state. It’s unfair to each of them to judge him by his church affiliation, which is obviously no indication of his beliefs. In any case, Obama’s and Biden’s personal beliefs can be easily distinguished from their non-personal ones. (See my previous post: “Personal Beliefs Are Clearly Different from Just Plain Ol’ Beliefs.”)

  • Anything that’s written or video-ed from a freethinking point of view is extremely interesting, and must be passed along to as many other freethinkers as possible. (See my previous post: “You’re an Idiot if You Don’t Watch This.”)

  • No one ever blogs just for the hell of it. We’re all on a mission to spread only the most credible information, and to refute ridiculous claims perpetrated by those who don’t agree with us. There’s something noble and important about that, even though most of us are way too humble to come right out and say so. Instead, we keep trying to change the mind of that poor, wishy-washy “one person in a thousand” who reads every single blog every single day. (See my previous post: “One Person in a Thousand Now Hates French-Cut Canned Stringbeans and Creationism.”)

  • Most skeptics have great senses of humor. Spelling “the” as “teh” is the height of wit. Any picture of Jesus, Mohammad, or John McCain is also hilarious. But poking fun at other skeptics is frowned on, because we’re all in “this” together and should be respectful of one another. Otherwise, we hurt the cause. (See my previous post: “It’s Not Funny When the Cause Says Ouch.”)

  • People who read and/or write liberal blogs are extremely well-informed about current events. If they also watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, their political acumen is unquestionable. When you read the same fact on more than one progressive blog, it must be true, so you can feel free to repeat it without seeking out any corroborating evidence. (See my previous post: “You’ll Never Guess What I Heard.”)

  • The only reasons that an atheist blogger might choose not to publish new posts are (1) he has died or is gravely ill; (2) worse, he has suddenly started believing in a god, or (3) worst of all, his computer has broken down. In any case, no one will ever read his blog again unless he publishes a long post explaining why he’d spent more than 72 hours without stating his opinion of (1) creationism, (2) Sarah Palin, or (3) French-cut canned stringbeans. (See my forthcoming post: “Creationism, Sarah Palin, and French-Cut Canned Stringbeans Are Responsible for the Current Fiscal Crisis.”)

  • Lurkers are the blue-collar workers of the Internet, waiting to hear the most intelligent argument to help them decide whom to support. They’re the impulse shoppers in the free market of ideas. Atheists and theists know that it’s worthwhile debating one another because you never know whose mind you might change. (See my previous post: “Are You There Lurkers? It’s Me, Exterminator.”)
Lurkers and others are invited to comment.


Anonymous said...

*cough* Minor nitpick. Shakespeare wrote plays, not novels. That is all.

*creeps back into the shadows of lurkdom*

Sean Wright said...


Man you have done it now. I am convening the American National Atheist conference and taking you off the list.


The Exterminator said...

Thanks for clearing that up. Maybe if I'd paid more attention in my French Lit classes at college, I'd have known about Shakespeare's work.

I wish I could find an appropriate Shakespeare quote to explain how sorry I am for hurting your feelings. But they never sound right translated from the original Latin into English.

Anonymous said...

P1. All true atheists love French-cut canned string beans.
P2. Exterminator hates French-cut canned string beans.
C. Therefore, Exterminator is not a true atheist.

Spanish Inquisitor said...

I've enjoyed all of your posts, with the exception of your first one, ("To Like, Or Not To Like, French-Cut Canned Stringbeans. That is the Question!")I almost didn't come back. It was a very wishy-washy post, you wouldn't make up your mind, and I just wanted to scream at you "Eat the fuckin' things already!"

Fortunately, you got better. And the rest is history, as they say.

Grumpy Lion said...

"No one ever blogs just for the hell of it."

True enough. I blog to lower my blood pressure and piss people off.

Good post. I'm sending you a prize of a case of canned French-Cut stringbeans. I don't really understand your attraction to them, probably something psychopathic, but if they make you happy...

yunshui said...

If you get lynched by agitated atheist bloggers as a result of this post, can I have your computer? Mine died.

Also, I think you'll find that spelling "the" as "teh" is perhaps the funniest idea that humanity has ever come up with, especially when it's presented in conjunction with a picture of a cat.

Rhology said...

Me like satire. This not bad satire.

PhillyChief said...

I'm guilty of the "teh", but that's from having an impatient left hand and not an incredible wit (I never learned the "correct" way to type, so I don't know which hand should do what, but I'm going to assume the left hand is responsible for the "e").

Art is for hippie stoners, or for either:
1) Matching your sofa
2) Impressing your pretentious friends with how much money and culture you pretend to have (doesn't work if you're showing off a painting of dogs playing poker, unless you can prove it's a famous/really expensive dogs playing poker painting)

You have been blogging for a long time, haven't you?

The Exterminator said...

Therefore, Exterminator is not a true atheist.
Well, I didn't care for the meetings anyway. They always served French-cut canned stringbeans salad.

I remember that post from back in my vegnostic phase. I hadn't yet fully deconbeaned.

I blog to lower my blood pressure and piss people off.
You haven't shared your blood pressure figures with the rest of us, so I don't know whether you've been successful. But you've definitely fulfilled the second part of your mission.

I'm sure glad my computer didn't die, because those cat pictures are knee-slappers. You've missed a lot of good laughs, one-of-a-kind comedy that you don't see every day. Sorry, but I'll have to turn down your request for my computer. The rabble that wants to lynch me is threatening to hang my laptop as well.

Me like satire. This not bad satire.
Me will remind you about your taste for satire next time me poke fun at Christians.

Seriously, though, I see you're doing an outstanding job mastering English. That's amazing for a boy raised by wolves.

You have no sense of humor. Typos aren't funny. One has to intentionally key in "teh" for maximum humorous effect. And, of course, as yunshui points out, there ought to be a kitty involved. Dogs just don't cut it as comedians.

You have been blogging for a long time, haven't you?
Yes, indeed. I've been blogging for seven wonderful months. The other sixteen weren't so hot.

John Evo said...

I don't understand this post. Are you mocking the image you have of me?

I think you are about 50% right in what you are saying.

The Exterminator said...

I don't understand this post.
That makes us even. I don't understand your comment.

Remember: I'm not shy. If I'd wanted to mock you, personally, I would have mentioned your name. And I certainly would have referred to your singing.

John Evo said...

What I meant was:

Half of your points seem to have some validity.

The Exterminator said...

Half of your points seem to have some validity.
OK, so maybe you and I disagree about French-cut canned stringbeans. Is that what you're saying?

bullet said...

You should have mentioned that "teh" is the pinnacle of wit when followed by any declension of roxxor, roflcopter or intertubenetwebospheres.

For example: Ex, you are teh roxxor. All others are teh suxxor.

Pr0n is also good. But I'm sure you all knew that.

Venjanz said...

Awesome troll-bait man. *bows*

The Exterminator said...

I just saw your use of "teh" in your comment. I didn't actually read what you wrote, but I'm laughing so hard I can hardly respond. That gag gets me every time.

Awesome troll-bait man.
Yes, and your comment proves that it works.

Seriously, how've you been? I haven't seen you around here or at the podcast blog for a while. Are you so busy with pr0n that you can't take a moment to attack our liberal biases? You've been slacking off. Wait until teh libertaryans hear about that. said...

Very helpful piece of writing, much thanks for the article.

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