Happy Valen-times Day

Well tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which I really hate. What's up with all that lovey-dovey crap and those little Necco candies that say "Be Mine" or "EZ 2 Love" or "What the Fuck Flavor Is This Supposed to Be"? I'm not anti-affection, mind you. I just don't want anyone telling me when, where, and how to express it. My attitude is: If I'm having trouble getting you in the mood, Baby, I doubt that a Hallmark card is gonna heat things up. Unless it comes with a blowtorch.

But this year, as a holiday gift to my readers, I'm going to investigate a religion that spends not just February 14 but the whole year telling its practitioners when, where, how — and even whom — to love. I decided to join millions of Christians and celebrate my Valentine’s Day with the Christ. I hope you'll come along with me for this Jesus love-fest.

On our first kiss, try not to be overwhelmed by the wallpaper. The woman who created this page has the serious hots for JC and she's laboring under the delusion that he reciprocates. There’s lots of stuff to read here, which, obviously, you won’t. But you're sure to enjoy the plethora of flickering hearts (no, that's not you having a seizure), and you might want to scroll down and look at these two sections: Love Letter from Jesus and Father’s Love Letter. Apparently, someone imagines herself as the love-object of an entire family of super-beings.

This next possibly pedophiliac kiss is especially for children. Please, kids, allow us to beat you over the head with our Jesus message. "Stay with God's teaching from his Word, so you will not be fooled by false teachers!" (Those are the ones who try to explain science, or enlighten you about history, or just plain correct your spelling.) I ask my readers to scroll down to the pictue of Emmi Squirrel and her friends and tell me this: Does that rabbit look naked to you? Now, as a side-note, I have no idea what tune is playing here, or what the words are. But it just sounds so happy-face Christian Pop to me. Question for musicians: Are there any defining features of Christian Pop music?

Speaking of music: this organ-involving kiss gives us a slew of special Christian Valentine’s Day Songs. Maybe, if you’re not an evangelical, you won’t be able to understand what’s particularly romantic about, say, “Onward, Christian Soliders” or “Am I a Soldier of the Cross?” But I’m sure that fundie women’s panties get all wet when they listen to “God is So Good” and I imagine that their men find themselves pole-vaulting around the room when they hear “Soldiers of the Cross Arise” or “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.”

Here’s a kiss with maybe a little tongue. This short play pretty much explains why there are so many divorces in America today. The director's note says it all: "In this script, the husband and wife appear to express their love to one another, however, the audience will come to learn (at the end) that they are actually expressing their love to Jesus." That son-of-a-god is a real home-wrecker.

A passionate kiss at last, "Valentines Day With Jesus" is one of the best examples of the poetic form known as "godderel". This little ditty appears all over the Evangernet with dozens of different backgrounds and musical accompaniment styles, and occasionally with a properly placed apostrophe. You’d think, from its ubiquity, that it was a literary work going back to the Middle Ages. But nope, it was written in 2003. It's soooooo good, however, that it can be seen everywhere. Notice how the gifted poet cleverly uses off-rhymes like mine/time and air/cares. She's definitely someone who was not fooled by false English teachers.

This last, goodnight kiss has gotta be my favorite. I'm sorry it's such a long smooch, but if you love Jesus, you'll stick it out through this. And how can you resist? To begin with, the female star tells us that when people watch her videos "it just makes my hair on fire.” I'm not going to tell you whether or not that actually happens; you'll have to watch in suspense as I did. (Hint: Do her pants catch fire, too? They should, but they don't.) The really endearing thing about this vlogger, though, is how she pronounces “Valen-times Day” every single tine she says it. For poignancy, don't miss the short scene where she asks her son to stop playing the drums because she's "filming." And last but not least, you'll find it fascinating to view her creative process as she paints what may well be the most ugly valentine ever seen. Perhaps one of my artist readers can explain her technique.

So that's it, folks. Happy Valentine's Day to you all, from me and Jesus. I haven't sent you anything, but Jesus tells me that he has FTD'd a dozen roses to all those who believe in Him. So here's your Valentine's Day Wager: If you believe in Jesus and you're wrong, you get no fewer flowers than you started with. But if you don't believe in Jesus and you're wrong, you're missing out on a high-quality bouquet.