Saturday, March 08, 2008

Better than Dick Cheney AND Dan Quayle

As everyone in the country knows by now, I'm running for president as an alternative to the theocrats in both major parties. You might want to take a moment to refamiliarize yourself with my platform. Or you might not. I just really love linking to my own stuff.

Wherever I've traveled through this great land of ours — and admittedly, it's mostly been back and forth to my local wine shop — people have stopped me and asked the one burning question that has been utmost on their minds:

Are you fucking crazy?
One or two of them have also thought to ask:
So who's your running mate? And is he or she fucking crazy, too?
It's been a long, hard search. I wanted to find someone who not only brought his or her own credibility to the ticket, but was willing to lend some of it to me. Someone whose views are compatible with mine, and yet not — as mine are — incompatible with everyone else's. Someone who could bring some food for thought to the table, and maybe provide the table as well.

I'm happy to say I've found that someone: The Chaplain.



Besides her obvious qualifications, she has extensive experience in the military, having been involved with the Salvation Army for much of her life. She balances the ticket geographically, since she has dual citizenship in Canada. And her name alone will garner a few knee-jerk votes from so-called social conservatives — who, as we know, don’t bother to find out precisely what their favorite politicians stand for as long as they seem religious.

I don’t know how many actual votes we’ll get — but we have two important things to offer the American people: 1. We’ll certainly be more committed to the Constitution than anyone else in the race; and 2. We're funnier and more serious than any of the other candidates.

We need your help. Send us all your money if you love America as much as we do. Also, help us pick a slogan. Here are some to choose from (or feel free to suggest your own):
  • Are You Better Off Than You Were 2,000 Years Ago?
  • Hear No Crap
    From Ex and Chap
  • Don't Stop Thinking About ... Anything!
  • Let's Stop Mourning in America
  • Compassionate Rationality
  • It's the Theocracy, Stupid
  • They Kept Us Out of Woo
  • The Shmucks Stop Here:
    Vote for Ex and Chappy, the non-Shmucks' Choice!
  • A Kinder, Gentler Atheism
  • Don't Give 'Em Hell or Heaven, Harry!
    [Slight Problem: Neither of us is actually named Harry.]
  • In Your Head You Know We're Right
  • Freethinkers: In Us We Trust
  • Stermycanoe and Chappy Too
I'm The Exterminator and I proofread this message.

[Update: Philly has found the most effective way to lock in his choice of slogan; he created this bumper sticker for our campaign. Thanks, Philly.]

23 comments:

Lifeguard said...

A sage choice, Ex, a sage choice indeed. Here's a few proposed slogans:

"EX-tremism in defense of reason is no vice."

"Vote Rationally and Increase your Ex drive... you'll be Chappy you did!"

"VIVA LA EVOLUCION!"

PhillyChief said...

Who the fuck wants a kinder, gentler atheism?

I'm partial to "In your head, you know we're right".

I want a Cabinet position before I endorse your ticket.

Spanish Inquisitor said...

Jesus H!. The political back room arm wrestling is starting already.

I will not hold out for a cabinet position. But I will not be greedy, either. One of the Virgin Islands will be fine in return for my endorsement. St.Johns, if you can swing it.

If not, well, I may have to form a third party. The Party of Inquisition.

"Vote for me, or it's the rack!"

"Tip My Canoe and I'll Torquemada you!"

"Don't I look good in red?"

Spanish Inquisitor said...

I forgot.

Chappy would be better than Dick Cheney and Dan Quayle combined.

The Exterminator said...

Lifey:
"VIVA LA EVOLUCION!"
I'm counting on this slogan to bring in the atheist Latino vote.

Philly:
I want a Cabinet position before I endorse your ticket.
As you know, it's illegal for us to "buy" any votes by promises of quid pro quos. However, there may be an opening for a Secretary of [You Made Me] State [It].

SI:
One of the Virgin Islands will be fine in return for my endorsement.
Well, I'm afraid if I appoint you as ambassador there, we may have to change the name of the archipelago.

Chappy would be better than Dick Cheney and Dan Quayle combined.
Yeah, that's what the capital "AND" was about. I think you could safely throw in Al Gore, George H.W. Bush, Walter Mondale, Spiro Agnew, AND Hubert Humphrey. In fact, maybe every vice-president since Theodore Roosevelt. To tell you the truth -- but don't tell her I said this -- she ought to be drafted by one of the major parties instead of hanging around with us third-party lowlifes.

PhillyChief said...

How about Logic Czar, or something comparable in the Department of Defense of Reason?

yinyang said...

What about, "We don't need no stinkin' slogan?"

PhillyChief said...

You're not official until you have a bumper sticker

PhillyChief said...

and why not one up the competition?

the chaplain said...

Philly:
That bumper sticker is a keeper!

PhillyChief said...

I actually wanted fatter letters but that wasn't possible since someone's name is too damn long.

The Exterminator said...

Philly:
I'm grateful that in creating your excellent bumper sticker you took the important message into account. The nation will thank you some day. There are artists I've known who would have just changed the names to fit the design.

But consider this little known fact: That's how we wound up with Bush. The artists only needed to accommodate four fat-headed letters.

John Evo said...

Damn. I thought this was serious. But knowing you as well as I do, I figured it was some kind of humor when I read:

A Kinder, Gentler Atheism

the chaplain said...

Re: John Evo - You mean it isn't serious? Damn!

Brendan said...

My nomination for your campaign slogan:

If elected, I promise not to swear in on the Koran.

Especially in light of your savagely correct assessment -- so-called social conservatives — who, as we know, don’t bother to find out precisely what their favorite politicians stand for as long as they seem religious -- I don't see how it could miss.

Duke said...

Peace be with the moderator as well as the reader of this message.(if it is not censored :-)

The time has come.
I am here to bring judgment to the living and the dead.
The harvest is ripe, pass this on to all fellow believers.

The Faithful Witness
Duke

Brendan said...

I now understand why some people refer to turds in a bowl as "dukees."

tina FCD said...

Brendan,Lol!
Exterminator, may I post the sticker on my site? :)

The Exterminator said...

tina:
Yes, everyone is encouraged to post the sticker on his or her site.

Ordinary Girl said...

Hear No Crap From Ex and Chap has a certain ring to it, but I'm partial to It's the Theocracy, Stupid.

Hmmm.. I was thinking I could be your Minister of Religion, then I could do absolutely nothing. What a plum job!

Spanish Inquisitor said...

SI:
One of the Virgin Islands will be fine in return for my endorsement.
Well, I'm afraid if I appoint you as ambassador there, we may have to change the name of the archipelago.


You misunderstood. I didn't say I wanted to be Ambassador to the Virgin Islands (which doesn't make sense, anyway. We own the fuckin' place). What I want IS one of the islands. I need a deed. Then I can be the Emperor

The Exterminator said...

Yinny:
We don't need no stinkin' slogan
Unfortunately we do need a slogan, because that's the only thing most Americans think about when casting their votes. You're probably too young to understand this. I'd call you wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, but I'm afraid some of my dirty-minded readers would take that the wrong way -- and volunteer to meet you with hair-grooming scissors.

Evo: I figured it was some kind of humor when I read: A Kinder, Gentler Atheism.
chappy: You mean it isn't serious? Damn!
Well, of course it's serious. The "Kinder, Gentler" part is your department, chappy. That's another way for you to balance the ticket.

Brendan:
If elected, I promise not to swear in on the Koran.
Yes, I could truthfully promise that. By the same token, I'm also comfortable promising that I will not give any special favors to religions other than Christianity.

Dukee:
I think you must be a hoaxer because no true Christian would spell "censored" and "judgment" correctly.

tina:
Exterminator, may I post the sticker on my site?
Does that mean I can count on your vote in November?

OG:
It's the Theocracy, Stupid is my favorite, too, so I've added it as a caption. You're well on your way to that plum ministry position.

SI:
I remind you that Great Britain owns some of the Virgin Islands, and those are the ones for which you'd be eligible to be ambassador. I don't see you as an Emperor, exactly, but I might be able to swing Lord High Pooh-bah. Would that do?

Ute said...

Well, you have my vote... Oh wait, I'm not a citizen. Can I still vote?