Better than Dick Cheney AND Dan Quayle

As everyone in the country knows by now, I'm running for president as an alternative to the theocrats in both major parties. You might want to take a moment to refamiliarize yourself with my platform. Or you might not. I just really love linking to my own stuff.

Wherever I've traveled through this great land of ours — and admittedly, it's mostly been back and forth to my local wine shop — people have stopped me and asked the one burning question that has been utmost on their minds:

Are you fucking crazy?

One or two of them have also thought to ask:

So who's your running mate? And is he or she fucking crazy, too?

It's been a long, hard search. I wanted to find someone who not only brought his or her own credibility to the ticket, but was willing to lend some of it to me. Someone whose views are compatible with mine, and yet not — as mine are — incompatible with everyone else's. Someone who could bring some food for thought to the table, and maybe provide the table as well.

I'm happy to say I've found that someone: The Chaplain.



Besides her obvious qualifications, she has extensive experience in the military, having been involved with the Salvation Army for much of her life. She balances the ticket geographically, since she has dual citizenship in Canada. And her name alone will garner a few knee-jerk votes from so-called social conservatives — who, as we know, don’t bother to find out precisely what their favorite politicians stand for as long as they seem religious.

I don’t know how many actual votes we’ll get — but we have two important things to offer the American people: 1. We’ll certainly be more committed to the Constitution than anyone else in the race; and 2. We're funnier and more serious than any of the other candidates.

We need your help. Send us all your money if you love America as much as we do. Also, help us pick a slogan. Here are some to choose from (or feel free to suggest your own):

• Are You Better Off Than You Were 2,000 Years Ago?
• Hear No Crap
  From Ex and Chap
• Don't Stop Thinking About ... Anything!
• Let's Stop Mourning in America
• Compassionate Rationality
• It's the Theocracy, Stupid
• They Kept Us Out of Woo
• The Shmucks Stop Here:
  Vote for Ex and Chappy, the non-Shmucks' Choice!
• A Kinder, Gentler Atheism
• Don't Give 'Em Hell or Heaven, Harry!
  [Slight Problem: Neither of us is actually named Harry.]
• In Your Head You Know We're Right
• Freethinkers: In Us We Trust
• Stermycanoe and Chappy Too

I'm The Exterminator and I proofread this message.

[Update: Philly has found the most effective way to lock in his choice of slogan; he created this bumper sticker for our campaign. Thanks, Philly.]