Monday, March 24, 2008

Quazy Quistian Question # 5

I haven’t asked a Quazy Quistian Question in quite some time, but the other night Mrs. Ex and I had a quonversation which got me thinking. This is odd because we’ve been together so long that most of our communications are limited to grunts of various kinds. When we do have a conversation, it’s usually about my clothes: “You’re not going to wear that, are you?” Apparently, no matter how long a woman is married, she keeps hoping that she’ll suddenly find herself cohabiting with a man who gives a shit about how he looks sitting in a dark movie theater.

Anyway, we were having dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in town. Now, where we live, any restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-through ranks pretty high on our list. The joint in which we were eating doesn’t serve the greatest food in the world, but there are place settings that you don’t have to color yourself. And you get handed a menu instead of having to read one printed on a sign above a bored teenager’s head. Also, thankfully, there’s no bored teenager’s head.

This particular restaurant is very popular with us because it serves both Chinese food and sushi. My wife can’t stand the thought of raw fish, cooked eel, or sweetened egg wrapped in seaweed; I love that stuff. So at least once a month we go to the Pan-Asian Emporium because I can get my toro, ikura, hamachi, unagi, and nori-tama — and she can have General Tso’s chicken while she sits across the table and makes gagging noises every time I shove something in my mouth. Except beer, which we both like.

So we’re sitting and gobbling our different foods, and we start talking about our idea of paradise. It would certainly include a variety of ethnic dishes. Both of us love Indian and Thai cuisine, Italian and French and Greek and Russian, Mexican and Spanish and Middle Eastern. In fact, there are very few edibles that we don’t like, sushi being her exception and French-cut canned stringbeans being mine.

However, in a Protestant Christian heaven, almost all of those delectables would be missing; there’d be no one around to cook them properly, all the best chefs having gone to hell for believing in the wrong god, or none at all. In a Catholic heaven, there’d probably be some decent French and Italian, maybe even Mexican if immigrants are tolerated, but certainly no sushi or General Tso’s chicken. In a Muslim heaven or a Jewish heaven, the dietary laws would pretty much nix everything except the slop that mama ladled up back home on Earth. And try getting a decent hamburger in the Hindus’ forever.

So, since dining well is one of life’s great pleasures, how could Christians want that to be absent from the eternal happy place? Jesus may have been a fisherman, but can he prepare a really artistic salmon roll? Does he know how to make sag paneer or moo pad prik? Can he whip up a batch of hummus or tabbouleh? And what about deviled eggs or devil’s food cake? Is decent wine allowed, or only that watered down swill he pours at weddings? Would the Savior prepare a special Infidels’ Buffet now and then? Or would the fare be limited to molded Jell-O and tuna casseroles all the time, with maybe a little Southern-style barbecue once in a while?

In fact, what will the food be like up there? It can’t be your favorite meal whenever you want it, because that would get really old before long. Do souls sit down at a table, one with nice silverware and dishes and gravy boats and crystal wine glasses, to eat like civilized human beings, or do they just grab a handful of trail ambrosia on the fly? And what if you want Jesus to hold the pickles and the lettuce? Will he do it, or does everybody have to eat whatever’s put in front of them and no TV until they’ve cleaned their plates?

Quazy Quistian Question # 5:
Is there food in heaven? If so, what’s it like? If not, what do you do when you want a nosh? Explain your response.

28 comments:

Renacier said...

In heaven you will eat the roasted souls of the damned.

According to Augustine, those in Heaven get entertainment from watching the torments of Hell. May as well get some tangible benefit from it as well. Seems about par for the course for Biblical morality, yeah?

PhillyChief said...

So can they reach down maybe with a hot dog or marshmallow on a stick while they take in the entertainment?
What's on tonight, honey?
- Oh, I hear that Fallwell guy is arriving in hell tonight
Oh, that should be fun. Have we got enough marshmallows and weinies?
- Of course we do, this is Heaven! LOL
Oh you! ;)


I never thought about the lack of heathen food in Heaven. That does sound crappy. I remember at age 4 I REALLY like Italian sausage, especially on particular butcher's version (yes, I was a food snob by 4). I asked if there would be this sausage in Heaven and my parents said no, since you won't have to eat in Heaven. I immediately stomped my feet and said, "then I ain't going!"

I'm gonna guess the christians will say what my parents said, that you won't need to eat and you'll soon forget about such pedestrian pleasures once you take in the awesomeness of god (and perhaps the joy of watching sinners roast). Alright, well maybe they won't use "pedestrian".

Spanish Inquisitor said...

I suspect Philly's right, that we won't need to eat in heaven, that we'll be too busy composing music and playing it on our harps (what's Jerry Garcia playing, BTW? It damn well better be a fuckin' guitar) to have to eat. Our bodies will be sustained by god. Wait! we won't have bodies to sustain. There, that's the answer.

But just in case Renacier is correct, and we get to eat the roasted souls of the damned, then god better damn a few Angus cows, some pheasants, and some salmon. Oh, and some pizzas with sausage and pepperoni. (How does one get sausage damned?)

PhillyChief said...

How does one get sausage damned?

Put it where it's not supposed to go

Psychodiva said...

well me liking all that organic and wholefood stuff I would probably prefer to go to some new agey crap idea of heaven- if it were just for the food -as for the other stuff- I'm not sure I could stand all that light and 'music' and talk about crystals and stuff- oh- and bloody Uri Geller would probably be there- watching MJ roast down in hell no doubt- so- can I take my own supplies please?

Ordinary Girl said...

Yeah, I think Philly was right. I was told as a kid that we wouldn't need to eat (or have sex) in heaven, so they wouldn't exist.

We'll live forever serving (the Christian) god. How exciting!

Dysentery said...

I don't see a problem getting whatever you want. Isn't god supposed to be Omniverous?

Spanish Inquisitor said...

No sex either! Shit, this is worse than I thought. I'm going to have to go out and kill someone to make sure I don't go to heaven.

slut said...

Exterminator, don't you know virtually all the cooks nowadays are Hispanic? Ergo Catholic so doubtless heaven-bound.

I always thought heaven was going to be some disembodied blissful spiritual union - never worried about food.

the chaplain said...

If current church pot luck dinners are rehearsals for heavenly banquets, you can count on this menu:

* an endless variety of jello salads
* chicken
* a startling range of potato salads
* ham (it's okay - the only people dining in this establishment will be Xns)
* an assortment of macaroni salads
* fruit salad
* cheese chunks speared with toothpicks
* dinner rolls
* brownies
* cookies (usually chocolate chips)
* cakes (usually chocolate, occasionally white)
* pies (usually fruit pies or lemon meringue, almost never chocolate, banana or coconut cream).
*Beverages will be restricted to kool-aid, iced tea and coffee. No beer, wine or cocktails (unless you spike the kool-aid or the iced tea).

After eating all that shit, you'll feel too bloated to have sex.

Ordinary Girl said...

Chappy, you forgot the french-cut green beans.

PhillyChief said...

That's funny. When we still lived in KC and just before my mom gave up on those church functions, I remember her coming home from one royally pissed off and telling my dad, "I work all day making two trays of lasagna to bring and what do these people do? They bring a bowl of jello or a can of fruit cocktail!" followed by much hand gesturing and such. I see nothing's changed.

The Exterminator said...

Everybody:
If I were told by some theist that in heaven there won't be any need for food, or sex, or alcohol and tobacco, or great books, or an iPod full of my favorite music with NO country, or anything else that brings me pleasure, I'd have to ask a few questions:

If all my deepest wants and needs are part of my soul, why won't I get this stuff in heaven? If all these wants and needs are not part of my soul, what exactly is my soul? When I get to heaven, will I recognize myself as me? If yes, how? If no, where will the "I" whom I know and love wind up going? And why should I care if some soul masquerading as me goes to heaven or not? How do I get to be with the real eating, fucking, drinking, smoking, reading, writing, singing and foot-tapping me, instead of some boring soul-robot?

Renacier:
In heaven you will eat the roasted souls of the damned.
I hear they taste very much like pork.

Philly:
So can they reach down maybe with a hot dog or marshmallow on a stick while they take in the entertainment?
And will there be an assortment of fine gourmet mustards?

SI
I'm going to have to go out and kill someone to make sure I don't go to heaven.
Fantastic! We'll make an axe-murderer out of you yet, my son.

Psycho:
well me liking all that organic and wholefood stuff I would probably prefer to go to some new agey crap idea of heaven ...
You can bet that there won't be anything organic up there -- because there won't be any organs. And you can forget about fruits and vegetables because I don't think plants will be able to get through the pearly gates. They don't have eternal souls.

OG:
We'll live forever serving (the Christian) god.
Yep, we're gonna be toiling in the lord's cotton fields for a long, long, long time. And when we sing "Go Down, Moses," we'll really be hoping to go down.

Dysentery:
Isn't god supposed to be Omniverous?
Well, after careful research, I discovered that you were right. All these years I've been mistakenly thinking that the word was "Ominous."

slut:
I always thought heaven was going to be some disembodied blissful spiritual union ...
If it doesn't have food and sex, there's no way it can be "blissful." To tell you the truth, I'm not crazy about that whole disembodied thing anyway.

chappy:
Oddly enough, I like a lot of the stuff on that list, although not all at once, and not as my only choices for eternity. Maybe if we suck up to Philly in this life, he'll introduce us to his lasagna-making mom after we're dead.

Lynet said...

I think we're probably supposed to feel satisfied in heaven -- as if we had just eaten already, and didn't need anything more. It's probably very dull, but since I'm having a doozy of an ovulation this month, I have to say I wish I could transport myself there for the next day or so.

(I hate hormones).

John Evo said...

I like how you take the opportunity of writing a terrific food post and then linking it to a silly question. Your humor seldom fails you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I hungry.

bullet said...

If there's no food, it couldn't possibly be heaven.

I'd prefer a Catholic heaven. There absolutely would be General Tso's chicken because there are a lot of Chinese Catholics (in Louisiana, anyway). Also, Vietnamese Catholics for those of you who enjoy that sort of thing; I don't. Then there's boiled crawfish, gumbo, jambalaya, etouffe, boudin and, if it's REALLY heaven, boudin noir (blood sausage) from the cajuns (good
Catholics, all). Add to that all the Italians, Mexicans and Spaniards (I don't really care for traditional French food) and there will be feasting such as cannot be imagined. The Irish and Germans will be making beer and whiskey, of course, because there will be NO sauerkraut or shepherd's pie in my heaven. And don't forget the fried chicken, grits and various greens from all the Catholic blacks we have in Louisiana.

Mmmmm...heaven.

bullet said...

Damn, I missed Lynet's comment.

"...as if we had just eaten already, and didn't need anything more."

I don't understand what you mean. You can only eat when you need to? You poor thing. Come down here and we'll fix that problem. :)

PhillyChief said...

I don't think I've ever seen a black catholic, well in America I mean.

Japanese would be right out, along with Indian. Now maybe you can get non-Indians to make Indian food alright, but Japanese? You need Japanese, unless you go for that Hibachi crap, but that's not real Japanese, and places like that are usually run by Korean hacks, and judging by the churches around here there'll be no shortage of them in this christian Heaven.

The Exterminator said...

bullet, you're skirting over a big problem: You may not get to make the decision about which heaven is the real one. If it's the fundies' place, you can probably kiss all that "rich" food goodbye, unless it goes with Jell-O and/or can be turned into cold salads. If you wind up in the Jews' paradise, you can definitely forget about shellfish and boudin noir.

PhillyChief said...

Jew Heaven? Oy! I've seen those fish in the jars. Yuck!

Lynet said...

You can only eat when you need to? You poor thing. Come down here and we'll fix that problem. :)

Oh, you mean up there with all the, um, rather large Americans? :-P

Thanks, but I'll stick to being a Kiwi.

Lifeguard said...

I think we will be eating Jesus shaped Cheetos and grilled cheeses with Mother Mary emblazoned on them. Hopefully, Jesus would not have forgotten that handy water into wine trick either.

bullet said...

"I don't think I've ever seen a black catholic, well in America I mean."

The French took their slaves to church with them. Hence, New Orleans is rife with black Catholics. At least, that's the way I learned it.

Now that depends on your perception of NOLA as the part of the United States. That's up for debate.

I went to a Haitian Catholic church in NYC where they did the mass in Creole. That was interesting. A little English, a little French and I didn't understand a damn thing.

Pockets said...

I'm pretty sure that if you get to heaven, you always have to eat out. That means getting in the golden chariot and trucking it over to doggie heaven where you get to eat the souls of other things that were formerly made of meat.

iambilly said...

For me, heaven would not be so much what food is there, as much as do I get to make it? Gourmet breads, home-made bean soup with a nice big smoked hock, chicken enchiladas con chili verde, you name it as long as I can make it. (okay, sausage and scrapple I ain't making, but I will eat it). My happiest moments (other than some involving my wife) involve the creation of food. The consumption is a by product of the pleasure of cooking.

The Exterminator said...

Evo:
I like how you take the opportunity of writing a terrific food post and then linking it to a silly question.
In my opinion, any post that mentions food is terrific -- unless it's only about French-cut canned stringbeans. Anyway, what's so silly about the question? Do you want to go to a foodless heaven?

Philly:
I don't think I've ever seen a black catholic, well in America I mean.
Did you forget about Clarence Thomas?

Jew Heaven? Oy! I've seen those fish in the jars. Yuck!
Gefilte fish is delicious, particularly if you dip it in horse radish. By the way, there's no such fish as a gefilte. Gefilte fish is basically a Jewish version of individually shaped fish mousses (meese?), which can be made with any fish you choose, but traditionally whitefish, pike, and/or carp. You add some sugar, carrots, onions, maybe beets. What could be bad? If you haven't tried it, you should. Looks can be deceiving.

Lynet:
Oh, you mean up there with all the, um, rather large Americans?
Well, according to the authorities we're the greatest fucking country in the universe. Why shouldn't we be large?

bullet:
I went to a Haitian Catholic church in NYC where they did the mass in Creole. ... A little English, a little French and I didn't understand a damn thing.
You mean it's possible to understand a Catholic mass?

Pockets:
I'm pretty sure that if you get to heaven, you always have to eat out.
No, you've got it mixed up with hell. Millions of restaurants, but not enough money to go to them. Kinda like New York City.

(((Billy))):
For me, heaven would not be so much what food is there, as much as do I get to make it?
In other words, you want to be the eternal kitchen slave? Think of the dishes you'd have to do.

PhillyChief said...

Doh!

iambilly said...

Ex, if 'twer heaven, the dishes would do themselves. I just wanna cook. And read.