New Rules for Commenters

Well, another blogger I like has instituted a comments policy. Take a moment to read his post. It made me realize that I’ve never specifically stated what my strictures are. I need to rectify that. So:

The Exterminator's Eleven Rules for Commenters

1. Please do not be respectful. You can feel free to extol, to flatter, to fawn, to kiss up, and to sweet-talk, but make sure you do it in a disrespectful way.


2. Use profanity whenever fucking possible. Do not substitute characters from the top line of your keyboard or resort to euphemisms. If you’re not comfortable enough to write FUCK in giant red capital letters, then you shouldn’t be using it at all, even in some weenie version.


3. Insult anyone you want to. Just understand that the regular readers of this blog are used to being insulted by me and I'm used to being insulted by them. And we're all far better at it than you are. If I were you, I'd restrict myself to wisecracks about the president or the pope.
   


4. Go ahead and try to convert me. But know in advance that you will not succeed and that I'll do my best to make you look and feel like the incredible asshole you are. If you do try to convert me, however, then f’Chrissake check your goddamned spelling.


5. Freely exchange ideas and keep an open mind. OK, I stole that last sentence from the sweet, but quaint, blog jointly written by Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and Pollyanna. Ideas haven’t been exchanged freely on this continent since a couple of early Americans kicked around the best way to trap a saber-toothed tiger. That was right before one of them clubbed the other for worshipping the wrong bird. Really, keeping an open mind is overrated. There are some ideas — like caveman religions and Christianity — that don’t deserve to be given serious attention.


6. Don’t feel compelled to stick to the topic. To tell you the truth, about three-quarters of the time I don’t have a clue what the topic is. In fact, if you read a post and do know what the topic is: Leave a comment telling the rest of us. Then we can use profanity while we argue about whether or not you’re right.


7. Do not read this blog while driving. Objects may appear stupider than they really are.


8. There are no special prizes for being concise. On the other hand, be aware that I no longer pay by the word. In any case, try to say what you mean in your own unpaid-for words rather than quoting from the bible or P.Z. Myers.


9. This is a no-French-cut-canned-stringbeans zone. Violaters will be persecuted. You may, however, mention any other fruits or vegetables: canned, frozen, pickled, dried, or fresh. Bear in mind, though, that the words "broccoli" and "zucchini" are much funnier than "corn."


10. Linking to and/or plugging other Web sites will be tolerated, but try not to be too garish about it.
    
    


11. Your comment will probably be deleted if it’s automated spam. But why am I telling you this? Anyway, even if it is a machine-driven ad, your note might be kept if I think it's hilarious. In that case, it'll be made fun of mercilessly because the people around here love insulting robots almost as much as we love offending theists. If you're a theistic robot, you'd better have a particularly thick skin.

So that's my list of rules. Aside from them, No More Hornets remains a free speech blog. That means everyone can say whatever he or she wants, and, although I may think you're a complete and utter jerk, I'll not deprive you of your right to speak your mind. So thanks in advance for mouthing off.