Thursday, March 06, 2008

New Rules for Commenters

Well, another blogger I like has instituted a comments policy. Take a moment to read his post. It made me realize that I’ve never specifically stated what my strictures are. I need to rectify that. So:

The Exterminator's Eleven Rules for Commenters
  1. Please do not be respectful. You can feel free to extol, to flatter, to fawn, to kiss up, and to sweet-talk, but make sure you do it in a disrespectful way.

  2. Use profanity whenever fucking possible. Do not substitute characters from the top line of your keyboard or resort to euphemisms. If you’re not comfortable enough to write FUCK in giant red capital letters, then you shouldn’t be using it at all, even in some weenie version.

  3. Insult anyone you want to. Just understand that the regular readers of this blog are used to being insulted by me and I'm used to being insulted by them. And we're all far better at it than you are. If I were you, I'd restrict myself to wisecracks about the president or the pope.

  4. Go ahead and try to convert me. But know in advance that you will not succeed and that I'll do my best to make you look and feel like the incredible asshole you are. If you do try to convert me, however, then f’Chrissake check your goddamned spelling.

  5. Freely exchange ideas and keep an open mind. OK, I stole that last sentence from the sweet, but quaint, blog jointly written by Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and Pollyanna. Ideas haven’t been exchanged freely on this continent since a couple of early Americans kicked around the best way to trap a saber-toothed tiger. That was right before one of them clubbed the other for worshipping the wrong bird. Really, keeping an open mind is overrated. There are some ideas — like caveman religions and Christianity — that don’t deserve to be given serious attention.

  6. Don’t feel compelled to stick to the topic. To tell you the truth, about three-quarters of the time I don’t have a clue what the topic is. In fact, if you read a post and do know what the topic is: Leave a comment telling the rest of us. Then we can use profanity while we argue about whether or not you’re right.

  7. Do not read this blog while driving. Objects may appear stupider than they really are.

  8. There are no special prizes for being concise. On the other hand, be aware that I no longer pay by the word. In any case, try to say what you mean in your own unpaid-for words rather than quoting from the bible or P.Z. Myers.

  9. This is a no-French-cut-canned-stringbeans zone. Violaters will be persecuted. You may, however, mention any other fruits or vegetables: canned, frozen, pickled, dried, or fresh. Bear in mind, though, that the words "broccoli" and "zucchini" are much funnier than "corn."

  10. Linking to and/or plugging other Web sites will be tolerated, but try not to be too garish about it.


  11. Your comment will probably be deleted if it’s automated spam. But why am I telling you this? Anyway, even if it is a machine-driven ad, your note might be kept if I think it's hilarious. In that case, it'll be made fun of mercilessly because the people around here love insulting robots almost as much as we love offending theists. If you're a theistic robot, you'd better have a particularly thick skin.
So that's my list of rules. Aside from them, No More Hornets remains a free speech blog. That means everyone can say whatever he or she wants, and, although I may think you're a complete and utter jerk, I'll not deprive you of your right to speak your mind. So thanks in advance for mouthing off.

24 comments:

tina FCD said...

Well, we're all FUCKED, with all these FUCKING rules you have now! FUCK!!

Lifeguard said...

Jesus fucking christ ex why don't you drop your stupid shit atheism and start fucking believing in jesus fucking christ already. I know that had precisely jack shit to do with the topic of your stupid fucking rules, but I thought, you know, keeping an open fucking mind and all, I would go off topic on your ass, try and convert you, and follow as many of your new fucking rules as possible including insulting you, trying convert you, cursing up a fucking storm, going off topic, and making this comment way too fucking long. Also, I'm driving my piece of shit car right now on the way to work while eating my breakfast of fresh-cut-canned stringbeans.

Also, if you have the time, PLEASE STOP BY MY BLOG. Just click on my profile and follow the link to THE MEME POOL.

Thanks!!

C. L. Hanson said...

I don't know what to say. I can't believe you think broccoli is funnier than corn.

Ordinary Girl said...

You had me at #2.

And you know, "An open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded," is my brother-in-law's favorite quote.

bullet said...

Fuck you and your fucking rules, you fuck.

"Words with a 'k' in it are funny. Alkaseltzer is funny. Chicken is funny. Pickle is funny. All with a 'k'. 'L's are not funny. 'M's are not funny. Cupcake is funny. Tomatoes is not funny. Lettuce is not funny. Cucumber's funny. Cab is funny. Cockroach is funny -- not if you get 'em, only if you say 'em." - The Sunshine Boys, Neil Simon

Apparently, Neil Simon stole that off of Mencken.

I don't know why broccoli would be funnier than corn, but it is. Also, rutabaga.

bullet said...

My mind fortress has no gates, but there are a shitload of archers just inside.

PhillyChief said...

"Lollygaggle" isn't funny? Neil Simon is a fuckhead.

I have to say Billy's rules will now make me never want to visit his blog ever again, and I have no interest in visiting the asshat's blog who he got the fucking idea from who felt the need to write some fucking War & Peace tome of posting guidelines like he's the fucking king of the blog (which is slightly less respectable than king of the dance for that river dancing shit is at least funny). Oh boo hoo I'm beset by fucking spamming christians WHO DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK TO TURN OFF THEIR CAPS LOCK and want to fill my comment section up with insults and attempts at conversion. So what, now you have to pass those annoyances on to the rest of your guests by imposing rules? Fuck me? No, fuck you!

Thank you for posting this Ex. Fucking rules? What the fuck? Ya gotta be kidding me with that shit.

The Exterminator said...

tina FCD:
Well, we're all FUCKED, with all these FUCKING rules you have now!
Yeah, you might as well change your name to tina FUCK'D, and be done with it.

Lifey:
I hope that's not the way you're gonna talk at your wedding.

C.L.
I can't believe you think broccoli is funnier than corn.
That's because you've been living in Europe for too long. True Americans know that corn is serious business. We're gonna be making gas out of it soon, f'cryinoutloud! Broccoli is funny because it only gives you gas. And any idiot knows how hilarious farting is.

OG:
You had me at #2.
Are you talking about rule number 2, or are you just using a euphemism?

bullet:
While I agree with Mencken and Simon that words with Ks are generally much funnier than words with Ls, I do think that "dental floss" rates higher on the laugh-o-meter than "toothpick." And any fool can tell you that "linguini" is much more humorous than "macaroni." But of course, "farfalle con funghi" has them both beat. That's probably because of the F factor.

Philly:
"Lollygaggle" isn't funny?"
Yeah, it's funny, but when was the last time you used it in a sentence? Anyway, it's nowhere near as funny as "farfalle con funghi."

Fucking rules? What the fuck? Ya gotta be kidding me with that shit.
Yeah, the bottom line is: If a person can't stand dealing with a few unwanted comments now and then, maybe "inspirational" chain email is a better medium for him than blogging.

heather said...

FUCK YOU, EXTERMINATOR. ALL ANSWERS ARE IN GENESIS.

This comment stopping seems a great idea. From now on, I will no longer be accepting any comments that aren't written in Finnish.

The Exterminator said...

heather:
ALL ANSWERS ARE IN GENESIS.
Yes, but where are the QUESTIONS?

Here are a few more rules that don't apply at this blog, but might work very well at yours:

a. Comments that DISCOMBOBULATE the blogger are definitely encouraged.
b. While visiting WDYB, try not to spread intellectual SWARF.

iambilly said...

Exterminator:

I make no bones about the fact that I am a neophyte. I first read a blog about six months ago. I first commented on a blog back in late November. I've had a blog for a month. I think I screwed up. I received three very (to me) offensive comments. Not offensive in the way funny way that some comments come across, but, to me, disturbing. Not just the language (and I do swear occasionally, but save it for very special occasions to maximize effect), but racial epithets (which is odd, because I'm pretty much white bread) and threats. I reacted in a knee jerk manner, pulled the posts, and (vice Alexander the Atheist and Poodles) came up with a comment policy which I thought would still allow freedom but would tell people what my limits are. Again, I think I screwed up. You and Philly are two of the most effective minds out there fighting the good fight (I'm going to send basically the same message to Philly) and I expect you know a lot that I don't, especially about blogging. Please (and I'm not kidding here, I really am trying to learn), what should I have done? I don't people to be offended by what others put in comments on my blog, but I guess that policies are offensive also. My other question is, how do I get out of this?

Bill Clark aka (((Billy)))

PhillyChief said...

Lose the rules
Leave the asshat and troll comments
Deal with the asshats and trolls through leaving your own comments, or ignore them.

Acting in pure anger or frustration is irrational and hands your opponent victory. This is what Bush has been doing for the last 7 years.
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

Spanish Inquisitor said...

Billy

I had one really stupid, trollish comment the first week I srted blogging. I took the atitude that on my blog I AM GOD. I also have the ability to edit comments, (as do you, being a fellow Wordpress user), so with those two characteristics in mind, I edited the troll, so that instead of spewing bullshit and acrimonious filth, his new comment compliments me. It's called getting even, not mad.

Here's a link to that comment.

For what it's worth, he never came back, nor did any other trolls (arguably).

The Exterminator said...

(((Billy))):
Well, I give you a lot of credit for your comment here; it gives you a real credibility boost with me -- way beyond what you've ever had before.

I know that offensive comments can be very annoying. That's what the troll intends: to bug the shit out of you. When you respond or react in any way, you encourage further interchange, because you've shown that an essentially ineffective missile has hit its target.

My solution is to refuse to respond once I recognize a troll for what he or she is. This sometimes means allowing the troll to get the last word, which you'll have to learn to live with.

Here's what I do. When some asshole is going to town, I usually drop a variation of the following comment into the thread:

Note to all my regular readers:
No More Hornets is a free-speech zone so I don't censor conversations. And I don't delete comments unless they're spam or blatant ads. However, it appears that so-and-so is a troll. I will not be responding to him any longer, and I ask you to refrain from doing so, as well.

I'm not going to claim that my solution is foolproof. But your regular readers will likely respect you enough to grant your request. I know I would. So, having marginalized the asshole, resume your thread as if he or she isn't there. Continue to "pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." But if he or she continues to make offensive comments, just shrug them off. They don't reflect on you in any way.

By the way, if you get really bugged by a troll, you can always put out a call to some of us (not through a comment, but via personal emails), and we'll be happy -- even eager -- to jump to your aid.

PhillyChief said...

I envy SI. He gets people who visit that you can spar with. I don't get any of them.

iambilly said...

Thank you all. I learned some important lessons. I guess I was just shocked at the viciousness of some of the comments. In the future, I will let offensive comments stay. I guess I forgot ya'll are grownups.

Lifeguard said...

Ex:
Not only am I going to TALK that way. I'm going to see about sprinking profanity throughout our vows.

"Do you, Lifeguard, take this Little Lady, to be you lawfully wedded Wifeguard?"

"You bet your ass on it!"

PhillyChief said...

To have and to hold, to slap and to tickle...

So are you going to sport an Aquaman uniform? Orange and green tux? Are you going to just go with the red shorts and you two exchange life preservers?

--------------

Anyway, feel free anytime to send up some smoke signals to the PhillyChief, Billy. I love dealing with the punters.

the chaplain said...

Oh, Jesus Fucking Christ, Ex! What kind of god damned, lamebrained policy is this? Eleven rules? What, you had to do YHWH one better? And how the fuck can I write FUCK in big red letters in a fucking comment? And whaddya mean ya no longer pay by the word? I haven't gotten a fucking cent from you yet? You owe me, man!

BTW, you've got just under 11 months to prepare your soul for the next annual meeting of the Church of the Groundhog. Check my February 2 post for meeting locations. :)

the chaplain said...

BTW - I always assumed that FCD was pronounced "fucked." You don't think people actually say each letter out loud, individually, do you?

Lynet said...

This fucking blog is the only place I say "fuck". And I like it!

My blog has an implicit comments policy derived from the general tone, or possibly by my tendency to exude innocence (go on, you know I do). I did once threaten to delete comments, I have to admit, but it's not something I really want to do. My experience with comment policies is that they can actually increase the arguing and useless conversation, because people start arguing about the policy itself. I've been impressed by how much simpler free-speech zones can be -- mostly you just ignore the kooks.

That said, I've seen a few sites with comment policies where it mostly does function. A lot depends on making the rules in line with the general tendency of the blog. A blog where the rules seem like a formalised extension of the blog's general tone will work much better than having rules about polite dicourse on a blog where most of the posts are sloppy, informal and brazen.

Oh, bother. I mean fuck. I just violated rule one. Why am I so fucking serious all the time?

yinyang said...

no!! tHEIR MY iDEAS AND U CANT HALF THEM!!!!!! aND i DONT WANT YOURS EIHTER YOU French-cut-canned-stringbeans fUCKER!!

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Summer Squirrel, FCD said...

I fucking love your new commenters rules. Although I don't have posted guidelines, yours are closer to what I fucking use when dealing with rude and insulting comments.

My position is this: if you come into my domain and attempt to insult me then you are fair fucking game. My skin has grown very thick, especially since I have relatives who try to convert me to Christianity the ugly fucking way. Ugh.

Psychodiva said...

Well, there's no fucking way I can compete with you lot for expletives lol