Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Happy Valen-times Day

Well tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which I really hate. What's up with all that lovey-dovey crap and those little Necco candies that say "Be Mine" or "EZ 2 Love" or "What the Fuck Flavor Is This Supposed to Be"? I'm not anti-affection, mind you. I just don't want anyone telling me when, where, and how to express it. My attitude is: If I'm having trouble getting you in the mood, Baby, I doubt that a Hallmark card is gonna heat things up. Unless it comes with a blowtorch.

But this year, as a holiday gift to my readers, I'm going to investigate a religion that spends not just February 14 but the whole year telling its practitioners when, where, how — and even whom — to love. I decided to join millions of Christians and celebrate my Valentine’s Day with the Christ. I hope you'll come along with me for this Jesus love-fest.

On our first kiss, try not to be overwhelmed by the wallpaper. The woman who created this page has the serious hots for JC and she's laboring under the delusion that he reciprocates. There’s lots of stuff to read here, which, obviously, you won’t. But you're sure to enjoy the plethora of flickering hearts (no, that's not you having a seizure), and you might want to scroll down and look at these two sections: Love Letter from Jesus and Father’s Love Letter. Apparently, someone imagines herself as the love-object of an entire family of super-beings.

This next possibly pedophiliac kiss is especially for children. Please, kids, allow us to beat you over the head with our Jesus message. "Stay with God's teaching from his Word, so you will not be fooled by false teachers!" (Those are the ones who try to explain science, or enlighten you about history, or just plain correct your spelling.) I ask my readers to scroll down to the pictue of Emmi Squirrel and her friends and tell me this: Does that rabbit look naked to you? Now, as a side-note, I have no idea what tune is playing here, or what the words are. But it just sounds so happy-face Christian Pop to me. Question for musicians: Are there any defining features of Christian Pop music?

Speaking of music: this organ-involving kiss gives us a slew of special Christian Valentine’s Day Songs. Maybe, if you’re not an evangelical, you won’t be able to understand what’s particularly romantic about, say, “Onward, Christian Soliders” or “Am I a Soldier of the Cross?” But I’m sure that fundie women’s panties get all wet when they listen to “God is So Good” and I imagine that their men find themselves pole-vaulting around the room when they hear “Soldiers of the Cross Arise” or “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.”

Here’s a kiss with maybe a little tongue. This short play pretty much explains why there are so many divorces in America today. The director's note says it all: "In this script, the husband and wife appear to express their love to one another, however, the audience will come to learn (at the end) that they are actually expressing their love to Jesus." That son-of-a-god is a real home-wrecker.

A passionate kiss at last, "Valentines Day With Jesus" is one of the best examples of the poetic form known as "godderel". This little ditty appears all over the Evangernet with dozens of different backgrounds and musical accompaniment styles, and occasionally with a properly placed apostrophe. You’d think, from its ubiquity, that it was a literary work going back to the Middle Ages. But nope, it was written in 2003. It's soooooo good, however, that it can be seen everywhere. Notice how the gifted poet cleverly uses off-rhymes like mine/time and air/cares. She's definitely someone who was not fooled by false English teachers.

This last, goodnight kiss has gotta be my favorite. I'm sorry it's such a long smooch, but if you love Jesus, you'll stick it out through this. And how can you resist? To begin with, the female star tells us that when people watch her videos "it just makes my hair on fire.” I'm not going to tell you whether or not that actually happens; you'll have to watch in suspense as I did. (Hint: Do her pants catch fire, too? They should, but they don't.) The really endearing thing about this vlogger, though, is how she pronounces “Valen-times Day” every single tine she says it. For poignancy, don't miss the short scene where she asks her son to stop playing the drums because she's "filming." And last but not least, you'll find it fascinating to view her creative process as she paints what may well be the most ugly valentine ever seen. Perhaps one of my artist readers can explain her technique.

So that's it, folks. Happy Valentine's Day to you all, from me and Jesus. I haven't sent you anything, but Jesus tells me that he has FTD'd a dozen roses to all those who believe in Him. So here's your Valentine's Day Wager: If you believe in Jesus and you're wrong, you get no fewer flowers than you started with. But if you don't believe in Jesus and you're wrong, you're missing out on a high-quality bouquet.


bjkeefe said...

(*gag*) (*hurl*) (*cough cough*)

I made it to two of the pages you linked to before the nausea overwhelmed me.

I did love this line though: "What the Fuck Flavor Is This Supposed to Be"?

Which seems somehow appropriate to what the Christianists are trying to get us to consume.

Anonymous said...

I'm still twitchy from all those animated GIFs and flowery backgrounds. And I couldn't sit through Ms. Hair-on-Fire's whole film. I guess Jesus won't be sending me any roses!

Anonymous said...

I never realized how many Christians are color-blind and/or graphically challenged.

I'm really looking forward to reading Phillychief's reaction to that amazing (insert maniacal laughter here) Valentine painting!

Spanish Inquisitor said...

Did she say "I just want Jesus to come inside my heart"? Is that...I don't know...disgusting? Do I have a filthy mind?

Babs Gladhand said...

Oh for fuck's sake. I was trying to eat while I read this. As if the nauseating array of pastel colors and animated hearts and flowers and bunnies weren't bad enough, you then subjected me to heart painting lady's voice.

You are one sick, sick individual.

I've always thought Valentine's Day was evil, and now you've given me proof that I was right.

John Evo said...

Come on, Babs. You subject the ENTIRE Atheosphere to Christian "thinking" on science and evolution and you have nerve to call Ex a sick individual?

Happy ValentiMe's Day to all my beloved bloggers. Especially Babs. (In the hope of cheering her the fuck up)!

tina FCD said...

Ahhh yuck!

the blogger formerly known as yinyang said...

Valentine's Day is a pretty pathetic holiday.

Also? If I end up with permanent retinal damage, I'm billing you.

The Exterminator said...

(*gag*) (*hurl*) (*cough cough*)
Sounds like you need a big juicy Jeezy hug to make you feel better.

I'm still twitchy from all those animated GIFs ...
I don't remember anything being animated. Maybe you're seeing things. Test: Are there any faces in your toast?

I'm really looking forward to reading Phillychief's reaction...
Yeah, me too. I thought for sure he'd be here ranting by now. Maybe my graphic scared him away.

Did she say "I just want Jesus to come inside my heart"?
I think she said "I want Jesus to stick his hard cock deep inside me." But maybe I heard wrong.

I was trying to eat while I read this.
I guess you didn't read the sign. Only food purchased at the No More Hornets concession stand may be eaten here. Can I interest you in a seven-dollar box of Milk Duds?

Happy ValentiMe's Day to all my beloved bloggers.
And the sane to you.

Ahhh yuck!
Are you actually trying to claim that those sparkly hearts didn't get to you?

If I end up with permanent retinal damage, I'm billing you.
You're not the first woman who's ever said that to me.

Unknown said...

Happy ValenTime's Day to you too, Ex. Now I'm going to go pluck out my eyes because they've offended me.

Psychodiva said...

I have had flu most of this week and I didn't think I could feel any more nauseous than I did- now I know better :(

bullet said...

Among the more negative impacts the Internet has had on my overall view is this: I am now aware of more scary, weird shit than I would really like to be. Thanks for your contribution. :)

HappyNat said...

I'm obviously mentally ill because I sat through that whole damn video. I really liked the close up of her bible with the underlines (underlimes?) of John 3:16 and a circle around "believes".

Did you see this in her comment about the video?
***Be the 10th to post a comment and get a free framed signed print*********Just sharing the love *******************

Fuck yeah! We gotta get on that offer.

Reason's Whore said...

That was disgusting, and I only followed 2 of the links. I'm a sick woman, here.

Why are modern Xians so disgustingly tacky anyway? What ever happened to something tastefully erotic by John Donne?

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new …
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

PhillyChief said...

I kept watching waiting for her to move the fuck out of the way to see the painting. I had no idea it was going to be a whole 'watch me paint for Jesus while I tell my talentless son to stop banging his drums'. Btw, what was up with the gay music? Does she even know it's gay music? One of her "nice" male friends probably gave her the cd, and she thought, "my, this is sure happy music". She also doesn't know why that friend doesn't have a girlfriend yet.

I had the misfortune after college to have to work in an art supply store. Talentless whackos like her I'd see 20-30 times a day. What sucked was when they bought the GOOD shit, which people like her sadly do. I just used to think, "what a waste of quality supplies". I mean, there are kids starving for supplies all over the planet and this bitch is going to slap all that W&N acrylic on a canvas and probably destroy her good brushes doing so because she looks too stupid to know how to clean and maintain them (and oh, why not use them to do some deka podge shit) so they'll be ruined and she'll be back in a week or so to buy new brushes to destroy and pre-stretched canvases (because god forbid should she fucking stretch her own canvas) to defile with her fucking 'blow a load in my empty skull, Jesus' "art".

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Exterminator said...

Now I'm going to go pluck out my eyes because they've offended me.
I guess I should have put a disclaimer on the video.

WARNING: Do not watch if you have offendable eyes.

I have had flu most of this week and I didn't think I could feel any more nauseous than I did.

WARNING: Do not watch if you have a sensitive stomach.

I am now aware of more scary, weird shit than I would really like to be.

WARNING: Do not watch if you don't want to know who will be electing our next president.

I have no response to your comment. I just wanted to call you HappyMat.

The problem with the John Donne poem is it's too hard to set to a modern Christian Pop tune. Get with it, slut. We're in the 1st century now!

You may not have noticed what HappyMat pointed out above: Be the 10th to post a comment and get a free framed signed print.

Are we to assume from your rant here that you won't be going out of your way to be her 10th commenter?

And Happy Valentine's Day to you, too! I hope you've got some fancy wine in your plans.

Anonymous said...

I managed 42 seconds of the final video before I threw up all over my new keyboard.

I'll be expecting you to send a gift card to Staples so I can get a new one.

Why are you torturing your loyal fans and readers like this? Have you gone off your meds? You're not molesting small animals again, are you?

Shape up, Ex. Just go get some whisky and shape up before it's too late for all of us.

Alejandro said...

You know what so tacky and creepy about all this? Why everyone feels so nauseated by it? Because it's f--king childish. It's like puppy love for Jesus. They would call it innocent and pure, but I call it childish, if not downright infantile. Ugh...

Ute said...

Flowers are highly overrated... But Jesus, man, he's hot! :)

Anonymous said...

If you think Jesus is hot, check out this post from Babs!

The Exterminator said...

I managed 42 seconds of the final video before I threw up all over my new keyboard.

You should have read the fine print, pal.

WARNING: Before watching this video, move all computer equipment out of any anticipated trajectory.

It's like puppy love for Jesus.

NOTICE: No baby animals were buggered during the making of this post.

Jesus, man, he's hot!

OK, what exactly have you been smoking while you've been away from blogging.

I think you may have meant to send Ute here.
Jesus never came out with a healthy, straightforward "I want to fuck you." No, instead -- pedophiliac perv that he was -- he went around saying: Suffer the little children to come unto me.