A Comment Thread from Hamlet's Blog

Confused said ...
I don’t really get what you’re asking here. To be WHAT? Or not to be WHAT?

Englishteacher said ...
I hate to be a punctuation nazi, Hamlet, but if you’re asking a question, it should end in a question mark.

Sirsleepsalot said ...
Are you saying that dying and sleeping are THE SAME THING???? Sheesh!

Hamlet said ...
@sleepsy:
No, I’m just saying that in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffel’d off this mortal coil must give us pause. Dying and sleeping are alike, but clearly they’re not the same. You wake up from sleeping but you don’t wake up from dying.

Sirsleepsalot said ...
Unless you die IN YOUR SLEEP!!!! LOL.

happy dane said ...
i do’nt think you shoud worry so much about being nobel in the mind. you sound like a graet princ. just go with what feels rite :)

Scienceprude said ...
We don’t sleep or dream when we’re dead. Learn some biology, jerkoff.

Horatio said ...
IMHO, this whole “to be or not to be” thing sounds like a big whine. Are you crazy, or are you just making believe?

Hamlet said ...
What ho, Horatio! LTNS! Listen, how strange or odd I bear myself — as I perchance hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on — don’t ask me about it, OK?

Rich3 said ...
I know this is a little off-topic, but does anybody have a horse for sale?

Grumble Bunny said ...
Great post! You’re soooo right! Fortune IS outrageous! The guy up the street won the lottery twice and I never won it at all! How is that fair?!!!!!

Zeen0f0Be said ...
Anybody who goes to an undiscovered country doesn’t deserve to return from its “bourn,” as you put it. I’m willing to bet that you haven’t even seen all of Denmark, but you’re in a big hurry to go elsewhere and spend good kroner in other places. How about supporting our workers here?

Hamlet said ...
@ Zee:
A friend of mine thinks that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. I don’t necessarily agree with him, but I also don’t mind picking up decent products from foreign manufacturers once in a while.

Wide Awake said ...
I have read your blog and find it both entertaining and informative. If you have problems waking up with that fresh and rested feeling, click the link below to learn about the personal benefits of YawnAway™.

Zeen0f0be said ...
@ Hammy:
Yeah, try buying some of that poisoned toothpaste in Sweden.

Hamlet said ...
@ Zee:
Well, the Swedes say the same thing about stuff made here. They clepe us drunkards, and with swinish phrase soil our addition.

Englishteacher said ...
Sorry to nitpick again, H, but, honestly, who says “clepe” any more? What are you, like 50 years old?

Grumble Bunny said ...
Hamlet, I’m reading more of your fantastic post and you’re soooo right again! How’s this for the proud man’s contumely?! My brother is a English teacher and he keeps correcting my grammer! Between you and I, I could care less!!!!!!

Trollonius said ...
Can you provide any evidence whatsoever that conscience makes cowards of us all? I’ve got a conscience, and I’m not afraid of anything. I think you’re just talking out of your behind.

Zeen0f0be said ...
@Hammy, you said: Well, the Swedes say the same thing about stuff made here.
Is that why they keep crossing our borders illegally to look for better toothpaste? Get your facts straight.

Hamlet said ...
@Zee:
Well, I do have my facts straight. You can read any magazine and find out how corrupt Denmark is. This three years I have took note of it: the age is grown so picked that the toe of the peasant comes so near the heel of the courtier he galls his kibe.

Englishteacher said ...
I don’t mean to be a pain, H, but it’s not “I have took note of it.” It’s “I have taken note of it.” When using the present perfect tense, “have” should always be followed by the past participle. Also, did you realize that the antecendents are unclear for both “he” and “his”?

Grumble Bunny said ...
Hamlet, this is the best post you’ve ever written! And you’re soooo right about the insolence of offices! Yesterday, I made a simple mistake and filed an email from Rosencrantz in the Guildenstern folder! My boss called me a rogue and peasant &#^%*! Now that’s insolent!!!!!

happy dane said ...
did you decide what to do yet? i know its nun of my busness but heres my too sense. i think you shoud “be” :)

Hamlet said ...
I’m cutting off all comments on this post. Sorry, you guys, but the rest is silence.

Haven't I Read This Somewhere Before?

Having been a denizen of the Atheosphere for nearly two years, I’ve learned a lot of things. Some of those things I’ve been told over and over and over, as if I’m in the dumb class. But I finally think I understand them now.

I’ve also accumulated a shitload of old posts which I’d like to urge my newer readers to check out. You'll find that the ideas expressed in them, as is so often the case with posts written in the Atheosphere, are all completely original. I know you won’t want to miss any of the great things I’ve written. (Sorry, but I haven’t yet completed my promised posting of all my high school compositions.)

So here’s a list of stuff I’ve learned, along with the titles of relevant posts of mine that you might have missed.

• All atheists are always rational. When an atheist forms an opinion about anything, he or she weighs the facts carefully. That’s why we all walk around with scales in our pockets. If challenged, we atheists can even provide irrefutable evidence for our preferences in politics, sports, pop culture, and cuisine. (See my previous post: “French-Cut Canned Stringbeans Are Creationist Bullshit.”)


• Everything important in life can be subjected to the scientific method. Great music, art, and literature can’t be analyzed or proven, so atheists don’t need to know anything about those subjects. Sorry, but the beginning of the universe affects us much more than some trivial Beethoven tune, Monet sculpture, or Shakespeare novel. Being educated about history is commendable, but only insofar as we can use our knowledge to disprove religious interpretations of past events. (See my previous post: “Ancient Mesopotamia was not a Christian nation.”)


• Electing Democrats will change America for the better. Here’s the proof: Republicans will not change America for the better. That’s why Barack Obama has stronger qualifications to be president than those of any other person who has ever lived, except, perhaps, for Abraham Lincoln. I say “perhaps” because we can’t know for sure; Lincoln’s looks were never judged by the women of “The View.” (See my previous post: “Whoopi and Joy Go Ga-ga Over Abe’s Beard ... but Elisabeth Hates His Wart.”)


• It’s crucial for us atheists to keep reminding one another that creationism is not only stupid, but a big lie. If we don’t keep telling each other about this, some of us will forget, and start believing in Genesis. (See my previous post: “Creationism is Creationist Bullshit.”)


• Any atheist who criticizes other atheists about anything is not a true atheist. He or she hurts the cause. (See my previous post: “The Cause Says Ouch.”)


• If elected vice president, Sarah Palin will bide her time until John McCain dies (or is killed by her secret minions), and then turn the country into a theocracy. It’s fair to judge her by her church affiliation, which is obviously a strong indication of her beliefs. But woe betide theocrats under an Obama/Biden administration. The Democrats’ god-pushing is merely for political expediency; those secularists who are sharp enough to read their minds know that both Obama and Biden are totally commited to separation of church and state. It’s unfair to each of them to judge him by his church affiliation, which is obviously no indication of his beliefs. In any case, Obama’s and Biden’s personal beliefs can be easily distinguished from their non-personal ones. (See my previous post: “Personal Beliefs Are Clearly Different from Just Plain Ol’ Beliefs.”)


• Anything that’s written or video-ed from a freethinking point of view is extremely interesting, and must be passed along to as many other freethinkers as possible. (See my previous post: “You’re an Idiot if You Don’t Watch This.”)


• No one ever blogs just for the hell of it. We’re all on a mission to spread only the most credible information, and to refute ridiculous claims perpetrated by those who don’t agree with us. There’s something noble and important about that, even though most of us are way too humble to come right out and say so. Instead, we keep trying to change the mind of that poor, wishy-washy “one person in a thousand” who reads every single blog every single day. (See my previous post: “One Person in a Thousand Now Hates French-Cut Canned Stringbeans and Creationism.”)


• Most skeptics have great senses of humor. Spelling “the” as “teh” is the height of wit. Any picture of Jesus, Mohammad, or John McCain is also hilarious. But poking fun at other skeptics is frowned on, because we’re all in “this” together and should be respectful of one another. Otherwise, we hurt the cause. (See my previous post: “It’s Not Funny When the Cause Says Ouch.”)


• People who read and/or write liberal blogs are extremely well-informed about current events. If they also watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, their political acumen is unquestionable. When you read the same fact on more than one progressive blog, it must be true, so you can feel free to repeat it without seeking out any corroborating evidence. (See my previous post: “You’ll Never Guess What I Heard.”)


• The only reasons that an atheist blogger might choose not to publish new posts are (1) he has died or is gravely ill; (2) worse, he has suddenly started believing in a god, or (3) worst of all, his computer has broken down. In any case, no one will ever read his blog again unless he publishes a long post explaining why he’d spent more than 72 hours without stating his opinion of (1) creationism, (2) Sarah Palin, or (3) French-cut canned stringbeans. (See my forthcoming post: “Creationism, Sarah Palin, and French-Cut Canned Stringbeans Are Responsible for the Current Fiscal Crisis.”)


• Lurkers are the blue-collar workers of the Internet, waiting to hear the most intelligent argument to help them decide whom to support. They’re the impulse shoppers in the free market of ideas. Atheists and theists know that it’s worthwhile debating one another because you never know whose mind you might change. (See my previous post: “Are You There Lurkers? It’s Me, Exterminator.”)

Lurkers and others are invited to comment.

Atheist Nexus Sexus Plexus

Well, I decided to join that bastion of rationality, Atheist Nexus. Maybe because I’m happily married and an old fart to boot, I blithely assumed that AN was going to be a place for a lively exchange of freethinking ideas. Turns out I was wrong. It’s mostly a site for people who want to write comments without bothering to read the previous ones on the same thread. It also gives folks a rare and wonderful opportunity to share their favorite songs, if anyone cares (which they don't). It provides each member with an excellent excuse to pimp his or her blog or podcast, except that hardly anyone clicks on the links because they're all too busy pimping their own blogs or podcasts. In the sidebar, it features informative blurbs, courtesy of Google Ads, about religious Web sites; this doesn’t bother anyone, of course, because we all understand that AN has to make a buck to keep providing us with such a fantastic service.

The bottom line is, though: Atheist Nexus is primarily a fantasy dating site. About half the members are looking to hook up. Perhaps one or two couples actually will.

Anyway, I did an informal poll among the oh-so-rational community at Atheist Nexus to determine what qualities they were looking for in potential skeptical partners. Here’s what I discovered:

Responses by Men/Boys

• Big boobs
• Likes loud rock bands that no one has ever heard of
  
• Avidly reads sci-fi, but only if it's written by guys
  
• Finds geeks attractive
• Eager to listen to pointless rants
• Did I mention big boobs?
• Thinks it’s hilarious to spell “the” as TEH
• Will sleep with anyone who accepts evolution
• Ummm... I included big boobs already, right?
• Not too religious

Responses by Women/Girls

• Loves kittens
• Respects woman for there brians
• Well hung, but not outrageously so
• Is able to shut up once in a while during quiet walks on the beach
  
• Loves children (but not that way)
• Is willing to watch depressing documentaries and/or chick flicks
• Well, a little outrageously would be OK
• Won’t mind that my BBF is a gay male Baptist
  
• Enjoys cuddling before and after sex, and sometimes instead of
• Not too religious

For the record, both my wife and I are not too religious.

The "God" Deletions

That’s a purposely ambiguous title up there. Is this post about deletions of the word “God”? Or is it about deletions by “God” or — given the quotation marks — people who claim to represent some supernatural character whom they call “God”?

Well, it’s about both.

Deletions OF “God”

If I had my way, which is not really my way but, rather, the way of the framers of the Constitution, the word “God” would be removed from all enterprises sponsored, directly or indirectly, by the American government. Article VI and The First Amendment are quite clear on that point: “God” has no official business here. Let’s take that silly, but loaded, word off our money and out of our pledge. Let’s banish it from our courts, from our legislative chambers, and from the mouths of our elected representatives. And, since, according to the third clause of Article VI, religion can’t be used as a test for official office or “public trust,” let’s keep those fucking spiritual advisers away from the president. The views of religious leaders who counsel our elected officials are selected, weighed, vetted for conformity to America’s alleged Christianity. That’s a religious test, folks.

There’s nothing more unAmerican, more anti-patriotic, than elected and appointed governmental office-holders intoning the word “God.” Why? Because the wise men who drew up our Constitution and its Bill of Rights consciously and purposefully chose to leave that word out of their formula, and to take steps to make sure it would never be included in any future activities done specifically under the auspices of the government they created.

Perhaps the writers of the Constitution didn’t foresee the loopholes. They mistakenly thought that all our laws would be passed by the legislature, instead of many “laws” being enacted by the executive branch and by governmental agencies. With that erroneous thought in mind, they voted to include the First Amendment, which specifically banned our legislature from pandering to the superstitious: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion. Notice that they didn’t write “an establishment of a religion,” which would argue against elevating a specific belief system over others. No, what they said was “an establishment of religion,” with no article, no qualifier. Religion, itself, cannot be established by the legislature. The spirit, if not the letter, of their ideas should be extended to the Oval Office and the Supreme Court, and, therefore, to every executive office and courtroom under the titular jurisdiction of either.

Stop forcing “God” on me, you tyrants.

Deletions BY “God”

OK, let’s start by admitting the obvious: There are many reasons for blogging. Not everyone is interested in sharing ideas, discussing their own and opposing views, or debating with passion and at least some degree of coherence.

In this neck of the Atheosphere, though, we all seem to enjoy doing those things. If you check out my list of frequent commenters, you’ll see the names of lots of people with whom I’ve engaged in intellectual smack-downs, people who have eagerly and effectively jabbed me back. Almost everyone on that list has argued with others in that “honor” roll, although many of us consider one another to be friends. We may get nasty, satirical, or just plain silly. Sometimes, we even piss each other off. A lot. Yet, when we cool down, we can acknowledge that the attacks aren’t personal, they’re back-and-forth thrusts about ideas. To me, taking part in a vehement verbal dispute is a way of showing that I respect another person, although not necessarily his or her opinions about a particular subject. You’ll never see me (and most of us, I think) whining — as one commenter did here: “Obviously you don’t like me.” How stupid and irrelevant is that?

One thing most of us don’t do is delete comments. We may refuse to engage in debate with some people who do write ridiculous remarks, even urge our readers to avoid feeding the “trolls.” But we don’t ban anybody’s ideas from our premises. Most faithfreeists champion Freedom of Speech. In our opinion, it may well be the most valuable right we possess.

But go take a look at some religious blogs. I’m not giving you any links; just pick a few sites at random. What you’ll find, for the most part, are “moderated” threads. If the blog-owner doesn’t care for what someone says, if it offends “God,” then, bam!, it’s gone. Back to the ether. Deleted. The attitude seems to be:

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s have a debate. Only I’ll remove most of the things you say because they’re offensive and they’re aimed at me personally.

I win!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!

Whether you agree or disagree with anything I've written here, feel free to leave a comment. I promise: I will not delete it.

Googl-oetry Revisited

[Note: Back in July, I invented a new art form: Googl-oetry. To write a Googl-oem, you simply have to look at one or more of your traffic-trackers and find the phrases people keyed into various search engines that wound up taking them to your blog. Then, organize those phrases — without altering them in any way — to create a delicious piece of literature.

Here's my latest Googl-oem. All key phrases were used in the month of February. Each phrase appears exactly as it was typed in by some idiot looking for information. I've repeated phrases only when they were repeated in searches. I apologize in advance for offending any sensibilities, but don't blame me; I'm only the messenger.]

old japanese song about a boy( whistle

if you could only see the way she loves me maybe you’d understand
VALEN
story of indian mother in law hard fuck with own father in law
happy valen
story of indian daughter in law hard fuck with own father in la
valen time day
hornet house wife wanted a fuck
happy valen emotion
fucking my own sister stories
happy valen day
storys of uncle fucking me
imagini hapy valen day
my wife fuck my friend end me
happy valen’s day
fucking babis video
VALEN TIMES DAY
are you better today than 8 years ago 2008
yes virginia, there is a jesus

happy valen
happy valen
happy valen
happy valen
futile repetition aristotle

Ronald Reagan quote from his dairy about George W Bush
Leah Remini democrat or republican?

there are no clothes in heaven
tact is overrated
rebecca romijn naked fantasy
playboy bunny holy
playboy johnadams
hot secretary
decadent nudist groups
christian nudes
warm glow of electric sex in the window
rosebud underwear
hey we got color tv!

Adjectives appeal to the sense of smelling
Fill in the blank game with names, adjectives, etx.
one fine morning in may, a slim young horsewoman may have been seenriding handsome sorrel mare along the flowery avenues of the bois de bologne

ron paul on dogmas that plague our nations
dogs wouldn't move, and by the end of the night she was peeing and pooping uncontrollably
shitting licking

Good advice to give a friend
proceed at your own risk blog
proceed at your own risk website
Proceed At your Own Risk
how often do I need an exterminator?

any comments

Breaking News: Fuckabee Hucks Up a Meme

As I've said many times before, memes are stupid. However, my good friend the chaplain has called me up to the altar, and I'm dying to have an opportunity to preach.

Here's her description of the meme:

The rules are pretty simple. First, I’ve been asked to select three members of my blogroll that I think constitute a unique combination that may not be found elsewhere. I may say as little or as much as I like about them; I promise to play nicely. Second, I must tag three people to continue the meme.

Now, to tell you the truth, I don't know what the hell the meme's instigator meant by "a unique combination."

Do I try to contrast the youngest blogger on my blogroll with the oldest? I'm pretty sure the former is Yinny, and I'm guessing the latter is that old fart, Ric.

Or do I look for fairly new atheists like JP and Lifeguard, and point out how they contrast with some folks who have been atheists for a long time, like Evo and Philly?

Maybe I should note similarities and differences among bloggers from the west (Mojoey), the south (Babs), the midwest (Hemant) and the northeast (SI)?

Hey, how about some godless women vs. some heathen women? Judging from what DaVinci has been into lately, I'm sure he'd enjoy that one.

But, I've just heard a report that the biggest moron ever, creationist Mike Huckabee, has been declared the Republican winner of the Iowa caucuses. In a country not ruled by the media no one would give a good goddamn what a nothing place like Iowa thinks. But here in The TV States of America, the ovine public might be talked into seeing that ignormaus as a viable candidate. For the next few days, we're going to be barraged with news about Pastor Huckleberry's "momentum." Journalistic crap like that could actually influence the primaries elsewhere, since the main criterion for presidential candidates seems to be something called "electability." Which has as much to do with real ability as an electric chair has to do with a real chair.

And so, since I'm unspeakably embarrassed to be an American right now, my pick for a unique combination of members of my blogroll contains three (actually four) furriners: heather and TW, from the (so far) more enlightened U.K.; C. L. Hanson, who wisely fled the Mormonism of our country (oh, yeah, that reminds me: Mittens came in second) for Europe; and Lynet, who lives on the other side of the world.

I tag no one. But if you're one of the enlightened few in this country and I've forgotten to give you a link, let me know and I'll do so while it's still legal.

What About Darla?

In a thread on my previous post, A. mentioned his fiancee. He said: She finds the atheist blogging thing difficult enough to understand as it is. PhillyChief responded: One thing us guys here have in common at least is having women who don't get why we care enough to blog about this stuff.

Now, this exchange reminded me a little too much of Alfalfa and Spanky extolling the He-Man Woman Haters Club. So I'm going to respond. But first, I'm going to make a few observations, and weave in a short personal story.

The comment threads on most blogs that have an open policy – as I do – tend to go astray. My regular readers and I usually try to find a way to re-introduce the topic at hand, but there’s also a lot of good-natured, unrelated banter and teasing between us. Often, we refer to one another’s previous posts, not necessarily with full explanations for casual commenters who may not know exactly what we’re talking about.

I think our comment threads point out one of the main differences between publishing an ezine and a blog. When actually posting, we’re putting our ideas out there for the world. If we refer to someone else’s take on the same subject, we include a link for everyone to see, and, often, a brief summary of what the other person had to say. Our articles are styled to be accessible to everyone, with no prior background necessary.

But when commenting, we’re more freewheeling. We’re continuing a dialogue that has been going on for some time. Often, we twit one another over previous disagreements we’ve had, or support one another’s ideas without having to restate them in their fullest form. I like that. The Atheosphere is not a group of strangers; it’s a community. Some of us have gotten to know one another, at least in our blog personae, pretty well; we’re friends. When you get together with friends of long standing, you sometimes shorthand your mutual references.

I’m always happy when a new reader decides to plunge in and join the group. We’re most definitely not exclusive. Newcomers are welcome to join in the ribbing and the general tone. Folks who comment here have pretty thick skins I like to think; if they don’t, they’ve probably come to the wrong place.

So last night, my wife, who’s far more sensitive to mockery than I am, was looking over one of the threads here, and she said, “It’s like a men’s club. Just a bunch of guys getting together to trade ideas and rag on each other.” Now, my wife knows me very well, and has gotten used to my “style” of using humor to try to make important points. When she says “joking around,” she’s doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re being frivolous. In fact, she immediately qualified what she said: “I’m talking about the tone, not the content. It’s like old male buddies hanging out in a bar.”

However, what I objected to in her comment – aside from the word “old,” which I’ll let pass – was the idea that my blog is a men’s club, a bunch of guys. First of all, I believe that the Atheosphere is gender-neutral. The sharpest writers in it come from both sexes. Secondly, if it were a “men’s club,” how dull would that be?

So, in response to A., Philly and my wife, I’m going to take this opportunity to celebrate – through some links – the women who sometimes hang out in this particular godless nay-borhood. I’ve already mentioned a few of these recently, but I’m going to list here, in alphabetical order, some women whose blogs I read regularly. If you haven’t checked them out, I encourage you to do so. And I defy anyone to show how, in any way, these women are less thought-provoking, profound, skeptical, aggressive, nasty, witty, companionable, and universally relevant than their male counterparts.

I’ve limited this list to only those women who comment here, whose blogs are active, and who write well. Here it is:

Babs
C.L. Hanson
Enonomi
heather
Lynet
ordinary girl
sacred slut
tina
yinyang

All in the “club,” as far as I’m concerned – and not a he-man among them.

I'll Be Celebrating with Some Whine

When I hear that a friend has fallen into matrimony, I feel the same sorrow as if I had heard of him lapsing into theismAlgernon Charles Swinburne

There’s no reason why anybody but me and a certain other party should give a shit about this, but I thought I’d share it with my readers.

I’ve been married for a year now. This is my first anniversary.

Over the course of twelve months, I’ve learned a lot about relationships. You have to strive to be attentive, even if you don’t always feel like it. You have to work at keeping yourself interesting, so your bond stays fresh and new. And you have to accept that not every day will be a lovefest.

To be frank, sometimes I’ve found myself feeling slightly bored. On the other hand, I’ve often been stimulated beyond my expectations. I think we enjoy ourselves most when we do weird things together, although it’s still fun to just sit around looking at one another. At least, it’s fun for me. There are days when — honestly? — I’ve been known to just stare and stare and stare for hours, without any stray thoughts entering my head.

I admit that my physical appearance may leave something to be desired, but, fortunately, we do our best to get beyond that. And, I’ll tell you a secret: the action in bed is awkward on the rare occasions when I attempt it, but I don’t really mind.

Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t think I was talking about me and my wife, did you? She and I have been together since people were still riding on dinosaurs.

I’m talking about me and this blog. Two hundred and fifty beautiful days and nights together. (The other hundred and fifteen, I wasn’t so crazy about.) I can't believe it's been a whole year since we said "I don't." And as far as lapsing into theism goes: It's not gonna happen.

Awwww ... And It's Not Even Valentine's Day

Well, those of you who read my blog regularly will notice that I’ve given BlogRush the BlogBrush. The two-week experiment is done. As of this moment, I’m no longer a shill for Christians and other superstition-mongers. And — hooray! — I don’t have to say “widget” any more.

Now that the Jesus-jumpers have bounded off my pages, I thought it was high time to throw in a few out-of-the-blue plugs for some folks in the Atheosphere.

I read quite a few atheist blogs. But there are only a few that I keep going back to, again and again and again. The writers of these blogs are people who have come alive in my mind, who, even though I’ve never met them personally, I feel that I know in some way. I’d enjoy inviting them into my home for drinks and dinner. They’re people who, if the theists are correct, I could see hanging out with through an eternity of hell.

The following catalog is definitely not complete. I know I’ll be kicking myself as soon as I publish for leaving out someone I really like. I’ll make it up to them later, I promise. For now, these are the ten bloggers (maybe eleven, as you’ll see), listed in alphabetical order by the names of their blogs, that I’d most want to break open an expensive bottle of wine with. I’m well aware, by the way, that some of them would prefer beer.

A Load of Bright
I really dislike most blogs that spend a lot of time philosophizing. But tobe’s is different. It’s often exhilarating watching him think through a philosophical problem, and sharing his step-by-step process with us readers, inviting us along for the mental ride. Plus he’s a damn good writer, who knows how to turn a phrase just so. I suspect he crafts many of his little essays with great care, and it shows; they stand up well to repeated readings. That's about the most complimentary thing I can think of to say to a fellow writer, and tobe deserves it.

A Whore in the Temple of Reason
Sacred slut’s is visually the most stylish blog, bar none, that I've seen. But the content is great, too, full of nice, nasty zingers. She recently wrote a line that still has me laughing two weeks later. In response to the zillions of conflicting interpretations of Christianity, she said: ... when the Son of God comes to Earth to tell all humankind something, it ought to be pretty damned fucking clear what the message is. Pow, right to the point! See why I love reading her blog?

Atheist Revolution
I’ll say it right up front: I read vjack for purely selfish reasons. I don’t think there’s another blogger whose posts I’ve more frequently felt compelled to jump off from, expand upon, disagree with, or otherwise link to than his. If that weren’t reason enough to hang around his site, I’m impressed with how hard the guy works to create a sense of a nonbeliever community. If such a community exists — and I think it does — it’s in no small part due to his efforts. Thanks, vjack.

Deep Thoughts
Let’s get this out of the way: Mojoey sucks at spelling. But, oddly, that’s one of the things I like most about his blog. It always seems as if it’s written lightning fast, in the heat of passion. Fuck spelling. For powerful pissed-off-edness, you can’t beat him. He’s the Avenging non-Angel going after criminal religious leaders; no transgressor escapes his commentary. Of course, Mojoey is also the man responsible for the Atheist Blogroll, no mean feat, for which we all owe him a debt of gratitude. But I’d be devouring his blog under any circumstances. That long parade of fiendish priests and pastors is impossible to resist.

Evolutionary Middleman
I enjoy reading John’s posts so much because he puts on no airs whatsoever; I always feel as if he’s just sitting around, having a conversation that I’m encouraged to join. His words are so natural, never forced, never padded. In the recent past, he joked self-deprecatingly about his writing abilities, but he’s full of shit. Just look at the paragraph up there at the top of his blog; it’s a perfect and succinct preview of what you’ll find below. John is also one of the most fervent supporters around of lifetime learning. Once, when he ran a long string of recommended science books, he ended by saying: I'm not suggesting my reading ideas are the best. If you don't care for science or even any non-fiction, then get a couple of good works of fiction. Just read. Television is ruining us. Revolt by Reading! That would be great stuff if only he weren't such a poor writer, eh?

Flumadiddle
I don’t have much to say about Babs, only that she’s the funniest blogger in the Atheosphere. On rare occasions when she gets serious and shares a piece of her personal life, she can be tremendously moving, because, wow, can she write. But, as I said, she’s usually merely the funniest blogger in the Atheosphere.

Friendly Atheist
I’ll be honest. Sometimes Hemant is too damn friendly for my grumpy taste. But he’s the clearing-house for everything going on in the atheist world. If you’re not reading his blog, you’re just not getting all the godless news. And anyone who has a skeptical cause that needs championing can count on him all the way. If we atheists ever come up with our own version of “We Are the World,” Hemant’s will be the loudest voice. Oh, and just so you don’t get the wrong idea: sometimes the guy can be pretty sarcastic. I like that in a person.

Spanish Inquisitor
You didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition, did you? Well, actually, if you read my blog, you probably did. I think SI has one of the finest minds in the Atheosphere, and his writing is always entertaining and stimulating. I leave comments, even if they’re just snide one-liners, more often on John’s blog than on any others. That’s because his posts grab you by the lapels (if you’re a guy; if you’re a woman I don’t know what they grab you by) and insist on a response. His is often the first site I check when I hit the Internet running.

Why Don’t You Blog?
I have a confession to make about this blog: I’m not 100% certain that TW and heather are two separate people. If we did have dinner, I wouldn’t know whether to set two places or just one for somebody with a split personality. In any case, WDYB is the site I visit to learn what’s happening in the Brit atheist world. The writing is sharp and witty, whichever one of them/her/him is doing it. I also love that sometimes heather’s topics come surprisingly from way out in left field. (Like the report on the woman who claimed that she could use the power of her mind to make people piss themselves, or the rant about good and bad starchy foods.) I’d love to raise a pint with him/her/them, although I'd have to apologize in advance about the carbohydrates.

You Made Me Say It
In a way, it’s appropriate that PhillyChief’s blog comes last because it’s the newest one on my list. Just a little more than two months ago, I was flattered to get an email from him, telling me that he enjoyed reading my blog, and that if I was interested in taking a quick look, he’d just that day started one of his own. Little did I know that his site would become one of my favorites. Among the things I like most about it is what's stated very clearly in the blog’s title: Philly just has to say it, whatever it happens to be that day. There’s always a sense of urgency there. There are no filler posts, no random musings. He reminds me of Howard Beale in Network: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Of course, Philly writes it; he doesn't yell it out the window. At least I think he doesn't.

If I were able to gather all these characters together at one long areligious table, I’d want to find an extra chair for Sarge. He doesn’t have his own blog, but he comments frequently on mine and on almost every other one that I read regularly. He’s an inveterate story-teller; no matter what the topic, Sarge has a personal yarn to spin. It’s people like Sarge, non-bloggers in a bloggy world, who make us realize that we’re reaching out beyond just the incestuous inter-linking Atheosphere crowd. Pour that guy another glass.

OK, folks, the love-letter is over. Take your candy and flowers and get the hell out of here.

What Do You Know: I AM Being Rushed!

A few days ago, I said that I was going to test BlogRush's claims for the existence of traffic heaven. To be fair, I think my experiment needs more time, so I'll keep the widget in place for at least another week or so. But let me report some prelimary findings.

1. There has been no significant increase in my traffic. According to the various analytic programs I use, I've had maybe three or four hits each day that were a result of the BlogRush widget. Two pleasant Christian women, new visitors, left comments on my post, so I did gain a couple of temporary readers from outside the Atheosphere. But I can't tell whether they came to me by actually clicking on the BlogRush display or just found my suggestive title through the usual Google/Yahoo/Technorati/Random Monkey-Typing channels.

2. What I have seen a dramatic increase in, though, is spam. My nomorehornets email address, which is available on this blog by clicking "Email Me" (duh) used to receive a few pieces of junk each day, mostly from friendly women who think I'm in desperate need of some "company." Since joining BlogRush, however, I get mailings, sometimes three or four at once, each from an allegedly different sender. I've received at least thirty of these in the last twenty-four hours. The subject lines read: serious business opportunities or serious investment advice or serious information about your future. The word "serious" is clearly meant to encourage me to click; after all, how could I think that these are frivolous messages? Now, it's possible the ultimate source of these mass mailings is a site other than BlogRush. But I don't think so, and here's why. When my Internet surfing has no relevance to my atheism, I don't use the nomorehornets email address.

3. In all honesty, I must say that some of the blogs appearing on the BlogRush widget don't seem to be Christian, at least judging from their names. The majority of the non-Galilean blogs, again judging only from their names, advocate different manifestations of similar nonsense: Judaism, Islam, and all those faux-Eastern -isms left over from the '60s. On the other hand, I've actually seen a few atheist sites crop up now and then. Unfortunately for BlogRush's claims, I know those sites very well. Most of them are listed on one or more of my blogrolls. I read them regularly, and I think they stop by here regularly, too. So, really, those people are not gaining any hits from me, and I'm not gaining any from them.

4. The BlogRush widget (oh, how I hate that word!) is really ugly. Those of you who read No More Hornets with any attention know how infrequently I use illustrations or photos; I'm not really visually oriented. But I do notice things that smack me unpleasantly in the eye. Like the BlogRush whatchamacallit. Oh, yeah, you do have some illusory control about the look of the thing. You can make it even wider than it is. And you're invited to choose any of thirteen different "flavors," which most of us would call "color combinations" if we weren't being too cutesy-wootsie for words. The flavor I'm displaying, FYI, is licorice. Don't get it in your teeth. Other flavors available are Bubblegum (one word), Chocolate, Watermelon, and Aqua, the last of which — in a lifetime of eating everything in sight — I've never encountered. (Hey, this aqua is delicious!) BlogRush also seems to be under the impression that Ice is a flavor; I wonder who's been peeing in their freezer.

5. Did I neglect to mention that I have a serious business opportunity for you?

Please, if you're a BlogRush displayer, leave your comments. I'll report again soon.

An Urgent Message for Christians

Heh heh. Am I a whore for hits, or what?

Actually, I’m running a little experiment. Notice the BlogRush widget prominently sitting over there at the top left. If you want to know more about BlogRush's e-pyramid scheme, click on the bottom of the widget.

On Friday, my friend vjack at Atheist Revolution placed that billboard on his blog, with the expectation of making his traffic go through the roof. He posted about it, which is what made me notice the thing. Well, I don’t know whether his hit count went up significantly, although I expect not.

But there's a bigger problem: BlogRush offers no Atheist/Freethought category, so poor vjack, along with all other atheists who have chosen to display the widget, have been forced to classify themselves in the Religion & Spirituality group. I checked vjack’s widget three or four times, and found that he was shilling almost totally for Christian blogs. The sole exception was a superstitious New Age-y yoga site that seemed to be promoting kindergarten Hinduism. V is now advertising for every pious nutball web site in the BlogRush stable.

As am I. Because I'm running a test to see if BlogRush's claims are legit. If they are, I'll urge all atheist/freethinker blogs to join up right away. But I'm skeptical, as I am about all things that offer pie-in-the-sky.

I think vjack may have a problem attracting the mass of Religion & Spirituality clickers, who overwhelmingly appear to be Jesus-jumpers. His blog's name, remember, is Atheist Revolution. But the title No More Hornets reveals nothing about the godlessness you can revel in here. To see if there's any truth to BlogRush's net-rich-quick scheme, I picked a headline for this post that no theocrat could resist.

So: Welcome, Christians. You’ve been duped into temporarily associating with an atheist. The Lord is gonna be mighty pissed that you let your guard down.

As for my other readers: I’ll keep you posted on this experiment. If my blog actually is rushed, I’ll tell you immediately. If not, I’ll tell you that, too — in the post explaining why I've removed the widget.

I'm not a scientist, but I'm theorizing that the widget will not remain here long. I'll be testing my hypothesis starting ... now.

Update: It's just about five minutes since I launched this little essay, and among the five blogs listed on my widget, surprisingly, are both Atheist Revolution and The Atheist Jew. Hmmm.

There's No Creationist Meme, Is There?

I’ve been tagged by vjack of Atheist Revolution with the Evolution Meme, which has nothing to do with the science of evolution. This meme is different from the usual ha-ha triviality of memes; it’s asking me to be introspective and examine the evolution of my own blog, No More Hornets. I’m supposed to select five posts that show how my blog has changed and developed – evolved – over time, and include some commentary. When I’m done, I tag five other blogs to perform the same task.

I’m not convinced that No More Hornets is worth that kind of critical analysis, but I’m flattered that vjack selected me. Oddly enough, since my blog is approaching its one-year birthday, I’ve already been thinking about what I’m trying to accomplish here in the Atheosphere.

1. My very first post, on October 24, 2006, was Let’s Skip Campbell. Notice that I didn’t bother to introduce myself to the blog-world; I just plunged right in with a rant about a local politician. (He lost, by the way — but certainly no thanks to my post.) My wife had urged me to start a blog because she was getting tired of hearing me sputter about politics and religion while we were eating dinner. “You need an audience,” she said. Since I pretentiously saw myself as a modern-day revolutionary pamphleteer, I picked a pseudonym much as colonial Americans had done when they raged against the British. The post went up, and I waited smugly for the deluge of responses. Take a moment to look at the number of comments I earned.

2. By the time I’d been posting for two months, I knew that I wasn't going to change the world. I’d also familiarized myself with the Atheosphere. In December, I discovered and immediately applied for admission to Mojoey’s Atheist Blogroll, then merely 100-odd strong. I was delighted and proud to be listed among so many great blogs, and still am. But I also found that quite a few of my fellow atheists went on and on, over and over, about the same things. I hadn’t yet discovered how I wanted my posts to be different, but I did know a few all-too-common subject areas that I did not want to write about. So I decided to indulge myself and get preachy. What a pain in the ass I can be, eh? I still think of myself as an atheist gadfly, though, and the opinions in this post Where is H.LMencken When We Need Him? still pretty much reflect how I feel. You’ll notice that I had two commenters by then.

3. I continued to write my angry editorials — still do — but I also tried to think of ways I could develop my own particular voice. Years ago, in real, non-blog life, I’d written a newspaper column for a local rag. I became infamous in my town for off-the-wall stuff; just weird funny shit that I committed to paper even though it had no real relevance to current events. Yes, I still wrote topical articles then, but I also published parodies, personal reminiscences, humorous lists, all kinds of random junk. In March, when I thought of a song parody for atheists, I decided to post it. By then, I had a Christian troll who was commenting regularly; he tried—unsuccessfully—to better my parody; check out the comments if you want to see how someone with no sense of rhythm writes poetry. Anyway, If I Only Had a God got few other comments, but I still perform the song at parties to great applause.

4. I suppose the silliest post I ever did — but believe me, that title has lots of competition — was my take on Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton. In one short essay, I managed to make fun of celebrity-mad fans, fundamentalists, atheists who take themselves too seriously, and my own tendency toward hyper-inflated self-importance. It’s one of my favorites.

5. I can't predict where my blog is headed. I’m still posting oddball surprises as often as I can, as my regular readers know. I’m also still engaging in political and legal discourse, although I do refrain from posting on a topic if I feel I have nothing new and urgent to add. In the last few months, just as vjack has, I've become interested in doing my own small part to help create a sense of atheist community on the Internet. One way to do this, I believe, is to have dialogues that spill over from one blog to another. We don’t post in a vacuum, after all, and I think it’s important for us to link to one another when we differ with, expand on, embellish, or just add our own two cents to someone else’s thoughts. I do that a lot these days. But to end this little evolutionary ramble, I’ll include one of the first times I continued a conversation started on another blog. My offering, Ron Paul: Linking Church and State, still gets lots of hits from Google. The comments to this post were particularly interesting to me because they were my initial encounters with atheists who had their own areas of blind faith. If you read the thread, you’ll find that some nonbelievers are so eager to believe in something that they suspend their insistence on evidence. The implications of that concept scare me. When is an atheist not an atheist? When he/she has a political viewpoint based on fantasy.

Here are the blogs I'm tagging:

Spanish Inquisitor
A Whore in the Temple of Reason
Why Don’t You Blog?
A Load of Bright
Evolutionary Middleman

I'm Soooo Hot!

Oh, the doldrums of summer. It’s so hot where I live that I haven’t had the energy to think about my blog, except to come up with random titles that might attract some extra traffic. I sure hope the hell thing isn’t true.

Anyway, I thought it might be magnanimous of me to invite a ghost atheist to write a short essay and post it on my site under his or her own “name.” I put out a call to nonbelievers, and received dozens of submissions. After winnowing out the people who merely keyed in an essay by Carl Sagan or linked to a YouTube video featuring an adorable cat, I was left with ten possibilities. Below, I reprint an excerpt from each one.

Atheoso Furioso
... Those fucking fundies who live across the street from me think it’s OK if they try to convert others to their idiotic religion whenever they want. Every time I look over at their house during dinner time and use my binoculars to peek through their window, they’re praying! I mean, what gives them the right to shove Christianity down my throat whenever they feel like it? ...

The Happy Heathen
... and then, when I went to my fifty-ninth church, I again found many new religious friends who accepted me for the atheist I am. Gosh, Christians seem to be much more tolerant than I realized. After the service, they even asked me to come back tomorrow for a special art project! I’m not sure what we’re going to make, but it sounds really cool because it’s going to involve some tar and some feathers. ...

Shellfish Jean
... Now, clearly, the individual replicative units in clams and other bivalvia, in fact all the organisms in the phylum Mollusca, have no interest in propagating the species, per se, as they might have had there been a God to set the entire reproductive process in motion. No, contrary to what those brainless creationists may think, there’s no evidence whatsoever that clams, scallops, oysters, or ...

Godless Mommy
... I couldn’t resist this picture of Megan and Heather in their new “A” T-shirts. Can you? Cute, right? Anyway, when they put them on, Darwin, my youngest, (he’s the one with the missing front teeth in yesterday’s photo) smiled at me and said, “There’s no tooth fairy. Is there, Mommy?” I felt so proud. But I had to laugh when he added, “Jimmy told me God puts the money under our pillow.” Jimmy (you remember his snapshot from last week, don’t you?) should know better, since he’ll be seventeen the day after tomorrow. (I have to remember to wrap his present, a beautiful gold-plated “A” to wear around his neck!) I think my teenage genius was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I should probably question him about ...

PhiloSophomore
... So how, exactly, do atheists derive an ethical code if it is not given to us by a supernatural being from on high? How do nonbelievers decide for themselves what deeds are and are not moral in a world that seems to be spinning ever more quickly toward the ultimate triumph of evil? Of course, you might ask: What would evil’s ultimate triumph be? How would it differ from lesser triumphs? Are triumphs measurable against one another? And can evil ever actually triumph? In fact, does evil even exist? For that matter, does the world exist? And if so, does it spin? Now, obviously ...

Shmebster
... And of course, the Xtians immediately turn to Jeebus, as if he might ever answer their Prairs, which he won’t because he’s too busy worrying about whether everyone is wearing a Crotch around his neck and reading his Babel. The Jooz, meanwhile, hurry into their Tempulls, while the Muzzlins cry out loudly to Aha. We’re not sure exactly what the Himboos and Bootists do, but you can bet your ass that ...

Linker
... Bush is up to his old tricks again, I see. In a speech he gave last Thursday at a prayer breakfast in Houston, he warned of growing terrorist cell activity in a number of major cities across America. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, meanwhile ...

Christ-loving Athiest
... As I’ve written many times before, I’m not 100% comfortable with the term “athiest” to describe myself. After all, I do believe that Jesus died for mankind’s sins, was nailed to the cross, and rose on the third day. Still, if I can’t definitely call myself an out-and-out athiest, perhaps it wouldn’t be wrong to use the term “angostic.” An angostic is a person who doesn’t know for sure, so I guess maybe I’m one. I’m only 99% certain that Christ will come back in a blaze of glory one day, and ...

Sue deBastards
... Unbelievably, Associate Justice Bryson Petty wrote in Christian v. Lyon, “It is true that the Constitution does not guarantee a private citizen the right to lead the animals in sectarian prayer at a public zoo, paid for at taxpayer expense. However, the mere mention of the name ‘God’ or ‘the Lord’ or ‘Jesus Christ’ may not suffice for this Court to find a sovereign state’s law unconstitutional on its face, nor even on any of its other anatomical parts. As Associate Justice Colman Hanky wrote in Babar v. Simba, ‘The freedom to practice religion as guaranteed in the First Amendment does not stop at the elephant house door, but rather
...

God Eats Shit!
... Unlike many so-called militant atheists, I think it’s important for us to find common ground with moderate Christians, who, after all, may not understand that nonbelievers have no animosity ...

Well, there you have it. After giving these “auditions” much thought, I’ve decided to come out of my stupor and keep my blog up on my own. Watch for a new post soon.

Googl-oetry

I believe I’ve invented a new art form: googl-oetry. Here's how you can be a big-time googl-oet, too. Simply use one of your traffic-trackers to find the phrases that people keyed into Google to arrive at your blog. (Purists like me will insist that your site show up within the first ten search returns, but that’s not absolutely necessary.) Then, use those phrases to create a verse that's both beautiful and profound — although perhaps unintelligible.

Anyway, here’s my untitled googl-oem. Each line of my work contains one searched-for phrase. I've added some end-of-line punctuation, but nothing else.

mother father please explain something to me
(it ain’t so good, the book):
how hornets give birth;
fart sounds and what they mean;
similar quotes between George W. Bush and Woodrow Wilson;
how to get a good bong hit;
directions for putting toilet paper on the roller.

tell me more about the devil, who is he?
catholic ron paul?
polish guy and catholic in a boat joke?
phone numbers to recorded preachers?
bitch phone number?
pastor melissa scott sex life?

you must remember this:
I’ve just seen your face,
Hilton on my tits —
fuck me, uncle.
pac man oh shit belt buckle!
musical: "thank you very much, that's the nicest thing that anyone's ..."

why do you want to control the humans, please explain.
my lever door is locked and I can’t open it from the outside.
my life might pass me by.

the balls in your court julie andrews!

Go ahead and try it. Feel free to leave your Googl-oems as comments, or link to them if you publish them on your own blog.

Uncle Jack Pays Me a Visit

I doubt that anyone has noticed, but I haven’t been spewing my godless propaganda here for almost two weeks. That’s because I’ve been in CompuCrazyLand.

To follow this story, you have to know a few facts on background:

1. My PC laptop dates approximately back to the time when Ken Ham’s great-grandfather was romping in the field with velociraptors. It has always had insufficient RAM to run both Windows and a decent virus checker, so my security protection has been about as effective as prayer. A few years ago, part of the CD-ROM drive was called up in the rapture; I can write to disks, but I can’t read any that aren’t originals. To remedy this lack, I’ve told myself thousands of times to buy a thumb drive “the next time I’m in WalMart,” but in three years I’ve always managed to get sidetracked in the candy aisle. So whenever I’ve needed a saved backup document, I’ve gone to my wife’s computer, loaded my CD-ROM with the files I hadn’t updated for at least six months, and sent myself the thing as an email attachment.


2. I’ve gone out of my way not to keep up with the latest products available in the electronomarket. My favorite personal computer ever was my little 8K Vector, one of the many hurriedly assembled Asian brands that were carried only by discount stores in which the sales force spent their lunch hours practicing English. The Vector ran a WordStar clone and a VisiCalc wannabe, and operated under a DOS-like system the sole purpose of which seemed to be the generation of unintelligible error messages. My proudest accomplishment was writing a BASIC program that prompted the user for his or her name and a number from 1 to 3,000. Let’s say your name was “Lou” and your number was 537. The screen then returned the message: “Ave Lou. Your number in Roman numerals is DXXXVII.”


3. Unless I’m in a book store, I don’t have the patience to shop. My wife picked out our house, our car, every major appliance that we own, and most of my clothes. Which probably explains why I hate our house, our car, our major appliances, and most of my clothes (but not the 100 or so T-shirts with pockets, all of which I love, except for the lime green ones). My wife refuses to recommend a new computer for me because she’s angry about my continuing negativity toward the uncomfortable lounge chair she bought two years ago. I always tell people that it came from the Ugly Furniture Warehouse.

Anyway, on Thursday, June 28, my computer apparently got religion. First, it refused to allow me to surf the Atheosphere. In the cyber equivalent of multiple born-again epiphanies, the screen would freeze for three or four minutes, and then suddenly wipe itself clean only to be replaced by some program I hadn’t used since 1999. The rebaptized software would start itself, flicker on and off annoyingly for a while, accomplish absolutely nothing of value while preventing me from making any progress, and then crawl back into the Church of Storage whence it came. I diagnosed the problem: the machine was possessed by the ghost of an evangelical.

I decided the Internet was “down.” I don’t even know what I meant by that, but by way of a control test, I tried calling up my word processing program. It answered the summons pretty much the way my cats respond when I shout their names: with a blank stare.

Since I’m scrupulous about backing up my files, I had only about seven hundred work-related documents that were uncopied onto anything salvageable if my laptop crashed. I pleaded with my computer not to do anything rash until I returned from WalMart. For the first time ever, I took a reluctant detour around the sweets section and actually found myself with a spanking new 1-gig thumb drive in my hand. To be honest, I also grabbed a Snickers at the checkout counter.

When I got home, my machine belched and farted and limped slowly in random patterns. It had turned into my Uncle Jack. So my diagnosis that the machine had become a right-wing Christian fanatic was incorrect; instead, it was an orthodox Jew.

Uncle Jack took more than an hour to transfer my files. He might have been reading the Machine Code from left to right instead of from right to left. Maybe he had to make sure that every byte was kosher.

Having saved my files, I ran a System Restore to three days in the past. Running that procedure under slow-mo circumstances is like showing a crotchety old man his picture from twenty years ago. It doesn’t help anything; it just gets him pissed off. Yup, it was definitely Uncle Jack.

I analyzed my files to see if they were mostly contiguous, and discovered that over half of them were three states away. So I defragged, which sounds much more titillating than it is. This procedure, in stop-time, took approximately twelve hours. When it was finished, at eight-thirty the next morning, my files, even though they had little in common with one another, were as close as they could be without having sex. But they still couldn’t do anything useful. Now I had Uncle Jack and Aunt Helen.

I decided that a virus was the culprit. To prove it to myself, I returned to WalMart and purchased another Snickers and a serious but user-friendly virus checker, the kind that analyzes any invasive bugs, cleans out the alien spawn (or Uncle Jack, as the case may be), wipes the computer’s behind, and gives it a prescription — no questions asked — for recreational pharmaceuticals. After thirty-one hours, it had checked only about four thousand files, approximately one zillionth of the crap living in the guts of the machine. During that whole time, it found one suspicious cookie which turned out to be harmless. Meanwhile, I had managed to find a whole box of cookies, every one of which I ate. They’ll probably kill me eventually.

OK. I’ll abbreviate this part of the story. Packed up my computer and visited a compugeek friend who had a program to get rid of my hard drive’s virtual partition. Spent an hour searching for the disk, which we finally found buried among a collection of cat toys. Departitioned. Congratulated ourselves with some liquid refreshment. Reformatted. Congratulated ourselves again with a refill. Loaded my very old, bare-bones copy of Windows XP. Hit the booze for a third time. Couldn’t get my brand X wireless card to work at his house. Packed up my computer and wobbled home. Couldn’t get the card to work there either. Remembered I needed Service Pack 2 to make the damn thing go, but, of course, could not download anything from the Internet, since — duh! — my wireless card wasn’t working. Moved my computer into my wife’s cluttered office to hook it directly up to the modem and access Microsoft.com. Spent an hour clearing a path to the Modem. Connected. Hours passed. Finally, completely loaded the appropriate upgrade — as well as every other program Bill Gates chose to throw my way. Returned computer to my office and installed my new virus checker. Ran the obligatory full system scan. Found out that Windows Operating System, downloaded from Microsoft’s own site, was virus-free. Not enough evidence to class that as a miracle. Tried brand X wireless card again. Fuck me. Back to WalMart for a real brand and yet another Snickers. Came home and got connected. Drank a celebratory beer. Reinstalled software, including the programs I hadn’t used since 1999. Recreated dozens of folders. Transferred backed up files to their original places. Decided I didn’t like the organization and drew a mock-up of a filing cabinet. Hated the mock-up and threw it away. Created new folders at random. Transferred files, one-by-one, from old inefficient organization to new inefficient organization. Downloaded Firefox to use as my browser instead of Internet Explorer, mainly just to spite Bill Gates. Ran the full system scan again to see if Bill had taken revenge. Files were still OK. Drank a toast to them.

For half an hour things were going great. Then Uncle Jack returned.

He refused to do any work. I couldn’t understand why he was on strike, because it wasn’t Shabbos. But then I thought about Uncle Jack’s last years. He had kept the no-work Sabbath rules even when his memory had gone completely and he didn’t know what day it was. Aunt Helen used to circle each date on the calendar as it came up, but Uncle Jack would forget to look. For him, it was always Shabbos.

And then, suddenly, I realized how to fix Uncle Jack. He needed more memory.

Sensing a shopping opportunity, my wife went to work on Google. Soon, a couple of RAM chips were winging their way to me via FEDEX. The next day, I was up-and-running again, as you can see. My computer is once more a healthy atheist. And so am I.

Meme Me 'Round the Corner

So, OK, I've been tagged by Psychodiva. The following rules should explain the new blog meme.

• We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
• Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
• People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
• At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
• Don't forget to leave them each a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Here are my eight random facts:

1. I think that following sports is a tremendous waste of time. People whose moods and actions are influenced by their team’s performance remind me of fundies.
2. I allowed my mother to talk me into being bar-mitzvah’d when I was 13. My father the atheist had no vote in our household. Even though I was an atheist, too, I wanted all those great cash presents. One of my best friends at the time was a little Catholic boy, who came to the temple, donned a yarmulke and prayer shawl, and sat respectfully during the ceremony. Towards the end of the service, the rabbi gave a short homily about how the entire non-Jewish world was responsible for anti-semitism. I couldn’t stop looking at my pal, and feeling embarrassed and angry. After a bar mitzvah is finished, it’s traditional for the parents of the honored boy to throw a “kiddush,” a minimal party, usually in the synagogue’s basement. This party is mainly to appease those people who have not been invited to the big, fancy-shmancy reception later. At the kiddush, it’s customary for the rabbi to grab two glasses of wine, and approach the bar-mitzvah boy to toast him for becoming a man. The rabbi approached me and offered me the wine. Instead of taking it, I said, “fuck you, you bigot.” My mother was mortified, but understood. My proud father told me about an hour later that I really had become a man.
3. My favorite authors are Charles Dickens, Philip Roth, and Raymond Chandler, not necessarily in that order.
4. I’ve grown extremely tired of books about atheism, written by atheists, for atheists. To me, they’re all essentially the same: “I don’t believe in god, and here’s why.” I don’t think people need a reason not to believe in god. Giving reasons for not believing in god, I feel, inflates an imaginary being's importance and, oddly, tends to validate its existence.
5. I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000, but I don’t blame myself for George Bush’s election. Nor do I blame the Supreme Court. I blame Al Gore for being such an uninspiring candidate and running such a half-assed campaign that he couldn’t even carry his own damn state.
6. Whenever I see a person with one or more tattoos on his or her body, I remember the Jewish baker in my childhood neighborhood. He also had a tattoo — a number put there by the Nazis. That’s why I don’t think “body art” is decorative.
7. My iPod is loaded with a completely schizophrenic collection of songs. Some of the artists who perform in my ears most often are: Talking Heads, Frank Sinatra, Cyndi Lauper, Louis Armstrong, Bob Marley, Fred Astaire (singing and dancing!), the Rolling Stones, Sergio Mendes, and Dr. John. Even though the mix is eclectic, I don’t have a single Country tune on there.
8. When I was called for jury duty last year, I agonized over how big a stink I would make if I were asked to swear to anything. I finally did get selected for a voir dire, a jury-selection process. We were asked to raise our right hands and swear that we would tell the truth about ourselves. I blurted out that I didn’t swear because “I don’t believe in god.” The judge shrugged and asked the clerk to have me “affirm,” rather than swear. Later, after I’d been selected to sit on the jury, the clerk remembered what I’d said before, and just asked me to affirm. No one seemed freaked out by an atheist sitting in judgment.

The blogs I'm choosing to tag are:
A Load of Bright
Atheist Hussy
Flumadiddle
Friendly Atheist
Way of the Mind
Deep Thoughts
This is You reading about Me ... or not
and one outside the Atheosphere:
A Guy in the Pew

Danger! Not Suitable for Children!

Uh-oh.



Following the lead of a few other atheist blogs, I decided to submit my own shit for a fucking rating. There are plenty of godless bloggers out there who, as it turns out, don't really write for adults only. This fact surprised me, because if we were really attracting youngsters, you'd think there would be at least one atheist figurine included in a MacDonald's Happy Meal.

But, for example, look at these blogs I visit regularly. What's with the PG-13, you inquisitional wimp? That's only slightly more risque than Teletubbies. And who does this near-nun think she is, calling herself a hussy? A rating like that wouldn't get her banned from a Catholic junior-high dance! If you really want a shock, check out arch-fiend P.Z. Myers, whose heathen rants are squeaky clean enough to be read to the Barney set as bedtime stories.

Only my nasty fellow conspirator, vjack, received the grown-up rating most of us atheists would seem to deserve. I make it a point to read his scurrilous writing often, but I must admit that now I'll be sure to cover my ears when I do.

Mingle², the online dating Web site (!?) that provided the algorithm for the scoring, listed only a few criteria for its judgments. In my case, according to the folks over there, during my approximately eight months of blogging, I've used "bitch" three times, "hell" two times, "corpse" and "kill" once each. (That's not counting this post, which gives the minglers four more chances to wag their fingers at me.) Needless to say, I, myself, am horrified by such fucking bad language, goddamn blasphemy, and bloodthirsty violence.

Not a single mention, though, of all the damnable bible-bashing coming from any of us. Which only goes to prove: You can call Jesus any name you want, as long as it's not "bitch."

Click on the sticker above to find out your blog's rating.

My Capital Offenses

Gordonliv at Ain’t Christian has this to say about religionists Using Initial Capital Letters all the Damn Time. His example: The Glory of God shall be upon Thee according to His Word, in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for All Eternity.

Doesn’t that kind of nonsensical Font-Abuse just make you want to Throw Up?

However, Gordonliv goes on to say, in deference to the English language, all proper names should be spelled with initials caps. That’s how we literates do things. For atheists to ignore that, he writes, is “silly.”

I agree with him for the most part. It’s ridiculous not to write "Jesus," "Mohammed," “Christian,” “Jew,” etc., just because you don’t respect the people to whom these words refer. (After all, most of us still use caps for “George Bush.”) I think, perhaps, you could even make a valid argument for uppercase “Atheist,” if you actually feel — although I don’t — that we’re some kind of proper-noun ethnic group.

But Gordonliv is wrong about two words he cites, and I'lll continue not to give them the recognition that an initial capital implies. Here's why:

(1) god. It’s not a proper name. When a person uses that word, you can't really know to whom it refers. Is it the god of the Jews, the Muslims, or the Christians? Is it the god of fundamentalist, moderate, or liberal practitioners of their particular religion. Yes, all these magicians in the sky are supposed to be the very same god, but clearly they're not. (Here’s a reasonable Christian take, written in the context of creationists vs. non-creationists, on this very “which god is it?” issue.) For me, using a lowercase spelling reflects the word's ambiguity.

(2) bible. The bible is not a single book; it's a collection of books written over the course of a millennium. And, again, the word has a different meaning for Jews than it does for Protestants, and a different meaning for Protestants than it does for Catholics. Of course, I think the name of each individual book should be capitalized. But as a book-lover, I have difficulty emphasizing a word which simply means "book," as if it’s the only one that’s important — particularly when it really refers to an ill-defined anthology. I suppose I’d have no problem writing: God’s Greatest Hits, Volumes I and II . (Notice that I did capitalize “God” when it was a word in a title.) For Jews, of course, it would have to be The Best of God: Volume I. And for Roman Catholics, whose bible includes a whole section of apocryphal writings, the collection would have to be called

The God Ominibus: featuring The Adventures of God, The Return of God, and The Son of God, now all in one convenient volume.

Language is a powerful tool, perhaps the most powerful tool that we humans have. If we’re adept with this tool, we make informed choices when we use it. When I refuse to capitalize “god” and “bible,” I’m not being “silly.” I’m using the tool I have — English — in the way it was meant to be used: to convey meaning.

Any Comments?

Because the Atheosphere is relatively small compared to, say, the tens of thousands of blogs about people’s cute pussies (in both senses of the word), many of us feel that we’re part of a community. I think that most of us read one another fairly regularly, if not by directly visiting a site, then through checking out the latest buzz on one of the atheist aggregators.

Some of us try to leave comments, when appropriate, on the blogs we’re fondest of. I, myself, do so whenever I have something smart — or smart-ass — to say. Most of us, I venture to guess, really appreciate getting these notes from one another. When someone takes the time to add his or her thoughts to mine, I know I'm not just some nut talking to himself. Maybe Descartes could have been satisfied thinking Bloggito ergo sum, but I'm not as fascinated with contemplating my own navel as he was.

The commenter also reaps a benefit. An interesting observation might draw readers’ attention to a new blog they haven’t visited before.

Well, I’d like to increase the odds that my commenters will get noticed. About a month ago, KC at Bligbi had a great idea. As part of a new look for her site, she began a blogroll of people who frequently leave their footprints. She included even those folks to whose blogs she already had a link elsewhere on her page. I’ve decided to follow her lead.

Unlike KC, however, I’ll list the commenters' names, rather than their Web sites. When a frequent commenter has a blog, clicking on his or her name will link to it. If the commenter has more than one blog, I’ll link to the one that I think is most relevant for my readers. In those cases of commenters who don’t have a blog, or who haven’t revealed their blogs’ URLs to me, the linkless name will be listed anyway. I’ll include the names of all frequent commenters, even those who regularly disagree with me — as long as they’re not blatant trolls with absolutely nothing to say. When warranted, I'll add new names. Of course, anyone who wants to be removed from this list, or feels that he or she should be added, or wants an entry changed, can contact me.

Think of this new blogroll as my equivalent of “Fan Appreciation Day.” If your name is on the list, I thank you.

OK, the Joke's on Me

Um, well, er ... my last post was intended as a sarcastic commentary. Apparently, my attempt at humor fell flat. I know this because I received perplexed comments from at least two bloggers whose intelligence and insight I respect.

So now, if you’ll forgive me for my lame joke, I’ll spell out what I was trying to say.

Tons of atheist bloggers — from the least noticed of us, all the way up to the most heavily trafficked — have seen fit to post the results of a ridiculous test called “What Kind of Atheist Are You?” The questionnaire was obviously skewed, since everyone’s highest-ranking category seems to have been “Scientific Atheist,” and many of us scored at least some percentage as “Theist.” I assume that the test’s creator had an educational/philosophical point to make, and, frankly, I’m not sure that I disapprove.

The danger with this kind of parlor game, though, is that we’re surrounded on all sides by godpushers. In today’s worldwide political climate, what with the global Christian crusade and Muslim jihad, as well as more localized skirmishes fomented by witch-doctors all over the earth, it doesn’t really matter what kind of an atheist you are. Maybe in a hundred years from now, or a thousand, we’ll have the leisure to compare and contrast each person’s specific approach to freethought. But for now, I stand by the following comment, which I left on Larry Moran’s Sandwalk.

As Gertrude Stein might have said: atheist is an atheist is an atheist. Either you believe in god or you don't; if you don't, you're an atheist. To try to draw a distinction between atheistic agnostics, agnostic atheists, nonbelieving atheists, unbelieving atheists, and disbelieving atheists is ridiculous. That's why all the other labels besides "atheist" are hogwash. Let's leave that kind of pointless categorization to the religionists.

Is that simplistic? You bet! But is it practical, given the very real threats we face to learning, to liberty, and, in some places, even to our lives? I think so. I’m not suggesting that we all organize immediately and walk in lockstep. Each of us has a unique worldview. I, for one, have always refused to march to the sound of any drum, different or not. All I’m saying is that endless discussion about labels doesn’t get the theocrats out of our governments or our classrooms. It merely throws us into the same kind of we-and-them mentality that the holy hooligans love so much.

So here’s what I did. I answered exactly the same questions as everyone else. But, as folks in the Bush administration might say, I was not completely candid about my results. I added a few lines of extra HTML at the top of my report. That’s how I wound up as a 100% “Atheistic Atheist.” I thought that redundant label was hilarious, and would be obvious as something I invented. Apparently, it wasn't. But I’d still like to think that most of us in this small circle of blog-hell basically belong in that category.