Teach the Controversies

Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has gone on record as saying that she believes public schools should “teach the controversy.” Normally, most people would understand that phrase as referring to the bogus debate between Scientists and Creationists. But the press has so far failed to uncover an amazing fact: Palin believes that there are other disputes in which the theories of Fundamentalist Christians have been unfairly banned from the classroom. Because of my skill and dedication, I’ve managed to dig up some important news for my readers. Believe it or not, I’ve learned of eight other controversies Governor Palin would like to see addressed in the schools.

Controversy One: The Light Bulb
Atheists say: Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bulb.
Fundamentalists say: God invented the light bulb.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: The history books say that Edison purchased the patent for the light bulb from one Henry Woodward, and then perfected it. However, Edison was a well-known fraud who falsified records. It wasn’t Woodward or Edison who said “Let there be light!” — it was God! Therefore, He’s responsible for all indoor and outdoor illumination, including light bulbs, the sun, and fireflies.

Controversy Two: The Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
Atheists say: Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Fundamentalists say: God painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: No human since Biblical Times has seen the face of God. Yet, the portrait on the ceiling is a perfect likeness of the Lord. Only God himself could have painted that, because He’s the only one who knows what He looks like. Plus, do you know how high up that thing is? It’s impossible that Michelangelo could have reached it.

Controversy Three: The English Dictionary
Atheists say: There are many versions of dictionaries in English. Some of the earliest ones were compiled in the 17^th century. As the language evolves, dictionaries change, adding new words, and omitting old ones.
Fundamentalists say: There is only one True English Dictionary and God compiled it.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: The Gospel of John tells us that “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” So even as far back as a few days before Man was created, God knew English. When He gave language to His beloved Children, He must have already known beforehand what every single word meant. It stands to reason, then, that He presented Adam and Eve with a dictionary. Since He gave Man free will, He allowed Adam to name the animals. But because Adam believed so sincerely in Jesus, the Lord spoke to him, and whispered the correct names. That’s how dictionaries are still compiled today. God speaks to the faithful, and they add new words that have existed since the Beginning of Time.

Controversy Four: The Calculus
Atheists say: Either Isaac Newton or Wilhelm Gottfried Leibniz, or both, “discovered” the Calculus. But it could also have been developed by Indian, or Islamic, or Japanese mathematicians.
Fundamentalists say: God discovered the Calculus.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: The atheists’ explanation involves too many variables, and it’s impossible to prove whether Newton or Leibniz came up with this great mathematical advancement. However, one well-known fact about Newton and Leibniz is usually ignored: Each one of them loved God with all his heart and soul. Therefore, God created the Calculus, and gave it to these two loyal servants. The claims of Indians, Muslims, and Japanese are obviously erroneous.

Controversy Five: “Casey at the Bat”
Atheists say: Ernest Lawrence Thayer wrote “Casey at the Bat” in 1888 as a column for the San Francisco Examiner.
Fundamentalists say: God wrote “Casey at the Bat” and dictated it to Ernest Lawrence Thayer as a lesson for potential sinners.
Rational for Teaching the Controversy: It’s not commonly known, but Mudville was a small town in liberal Massachusetts, populated by secularists, feminists, and homosexuals. God tested the local fans by allowing Flynn and Blake to reach base, and gave the populace ample opportunity to pray to Him for a win. Instead, they pinned their hopes on Casey, a famous agnostic of the period. At the end of the poem [Spoiler Alert: Casey struck out], “there is no joy in Mudville.” This is because the people there had failed to be saved, and they realized that they would shortly be watching losing game after losing game in Hell.

Controversy Six: Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony
Atheists say: Beethoven composed his Ninth Symphony.
Fundamentalists say: God composed “Beethoven’s” Ninth Symphony.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: Everyone who has any familiarity at all with classical music has heard that Beethoven was deaf for many years of his life. How could a deaf person compose music? That’s just absurd. Could a deaf person have written “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” or “Don’t Take Your Guns to Town”? Think about how ridiculous that idea sounds. So imagine how much harder it would have been for Beethoven, who wrote for about a zillion instruments and a gigantic chorus and four soloists. God must have sung into Beethoven’s ear, and the man just wrote down what he heard. That’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Controversy Seven: Cookies
Atheists say: Elves make Keebler cookies.
Fundamentalists say: Jesus makes Keebler cookies.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: There’s absolutely no evidence that the Keebler Elves exist. But the Bible tells us how great Jesus was at preparing food. In the Gospel of Mark 6:30-44, we learn that the Savior fed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. Not only that, but John 2:3-10 tells us how Jesus turned water into wine. Compared to those great miracles, baking up a batch of cookies would be a snap. Clearly, Jesus makes Keebler cookies.

Controversy Eight: This Post
Atheists say: The Exterminator wrote this post.
Fundamentalists say: Satan wrote this post.
Rationale for Teaching the Controversy: In the Name of All That’s Holy, it’s obvious, isn’t it?

Thirteen Worst Reasons for Believing in a God

I've heard every one of these arguments, and so have you. I think these versions may be slightly exaggerated. But only slightly.

1. If there were no god, there would be no bible. And if there were no bible, there would be no god. There’s definitely a bible, because I saw one at WalMart. So there must be a god at WalMart, too.


2. If I pray hard enough, my French-cut canned stringbeans will turn into Jesus’s body. Then, if I eat them, I’ll go to heaven, as long as I don’t chew.


3. Somebody must love me, because I feel loved. But everybody who knows me thinks I’m a creep. So there must be a god.


4. My Islamic terrorist neighbor says I should.


5. Everybody throughout history believed in a god. Except Hitler. Doesn’t that tell you something?


6. Since there's no logic unless there's a god, you can't prove to me logically that there's no god. Ergo, there is a god. Q.E.D. & R.O.F.L.M.A.O.


7. If there’s no god, how do you explain this voice in my head, huh? Did you ever think of that, you wacko atheists?


8. I can imagine a god. Therefore, he must exist. But I wish he didn’t look exactly like my Uncle Sid.


9. How else can you explain the fact that there are exactly 60 seconds in a minute, and exactly sixty minutes in an hour, and exactly 6o hours in two and a half days, and exactly 60 days in two months (except for the weird ones like January, February, March, May, July, August, October, and December)? That didn't happen just by accident.


10. Where would human morals come from if there was no god eager to torture us eternally for not believing in him?


11. Without a god, what a poor, pathetic, pointless place Sheboygan would be.


12. According to your stupid theories, I would still be a monkey if there was no god. Obviously, I’m not a monkey. Right? Right?
    


13. Since Nature is perfect, it must be god’s creation. I thought of that today while I was fertilizing my begonias and spraying for aphids.

Christian Misadventures

I live in Florida, where 99% of the people are old farts waiting to die, and the other 1% of the people are members of some old fart’s family, also waiting for him or her to die. So it’s no surprise that at least once a week I get a solicitation phone call from one of the area funeral homes.

Last night at around 8:30, my phone rang and the Caller ID flashed the information: “Christian Adventures.” Naturally, I took the call. The woman on the other end was pukily perky in that TV weathergirl kind of way.

TV Weathergirl: Hello. Is this [the formal version of my name, a version I haven’t used since I was in the 5^th grade, and which appears on no official records except my Federal Income Tax returns and my driver’s license, and which, for purposes of this dialogue, will henceforth be written as “Eximundo”]?

Me: Who’s calling?

TV Weathergirl: Is this Eximundo?

Me: Who’s calling?

TV Weathergirl: Eximundo?

Me: I’ve asked you twice to identify yourself.

TV Weathergirl: This is [I forget, but let’s call her Mindy, because she sounded exactly like a Mindy].

Me: What do you want, Mindy?

Mindy: I’m calling on behalf of Death-Wish Funeral Homes.

Me: Oh, my god! Who died?

Mindy: Well, nobody died, Eximundo.

Me: Things must be slow over there.

Mindy: Well, of course people died. But not anybody you know.

Me: Do you have a list of everyone I know? How’d you get that?

Mindy: I’m not calling you about anyone who died.

Me: So, what are you doing? Trying to drum up some business? Why are you calling me? I don’t know anybody who died recently.

Mindy: No, I was calling about you. You are Eximundo, right?

Me: I didn’t die.

Mindy: Well, sometimes the unexpected ...

Me: It says on my Caller ID that your name is Christian Adventures. But you told me Mindy. Is Christian Adventures your last name?

Mindy: No, that’s just my business.

Me: I thought you said you were working for Death-Wish Funeral Homes.

Mindy: Yes, uh-huh, Eximundo, I am. But this is my home phone.

Me: So somebody in your home is named Christian Adventures?

Mindy: No, that’s my business.

Me: Let me get this straight, Mindy, because I’m a little confused. You’re calling for one business, using a phone belonging to another business, but you’re really home?

Mindy: Yes.

Me: Well, I’m not interested in getting calls advertising Christianity.

Mindy: Oh, I’m not advertising ...

Me: See, here’s the thing, Mindy. When I notice “Christian Adventures” on my Caller ID, I get the feeling – don’t ask me why – that either your name is Christian Adventures or you work for some group called Christian Adventures. Isn’t that a reasonable assumption on my part?

Mindy: No, I’m just ...

Me: But that’s your home phone, right?

Mindy: Yes. I’m not calling for ...

Me: Well, here’s my problem. Whether it’s your home phone or your business phone or somebody else’s business phone or maybe even Jesus’s iPhone, I see “Christian Adventures” and right away I think you’re shilling for god.

Mindy: No, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just ...

Me: So could you please tell Death-Wish Funeral Homes that I’m not interested in getting any more calls from them if they’re a front for a Christian organization?

Mindy: No, they’re not a front ...

Me: Because they must be, since my caller ID says it in plain English. “Christian Adventures.” That’s not a Muslim group, is it?

Mindy: No, you don’t understand. You’re just seeing my ...

Me: Shall I spell “Christian Adventures” for you, Mindy? Maybe I’m reading it wrong.

Mindy: Wait. You don’t understand.

Me: Yeah, I think I do. Goodbye, Mindy.

Today, I called my local branch of Death-Wish Funeral Homes. I began, without saying who I was, by blurting out a question: “Do you folks cater specifically to Christians? I mean, would you call yourselves a Christian funeral home?”

The woman who answered the phone sounded horrified – even though she didn’t know whether I was an overzealous fundy, a Jew, or a heathen. She probably knew I wasn’t a Muslim, because if I were, why would I call a business that I didn’t want to threaten?

Anyway, she immediately volunteered the information that DWFH was non-denominational. She said it twice. I found that oddly endearing, because there was no way she could know whether she was gaining a sale or losing one.

So I identified myself, although not as Eximundo, and told her about the gaggingly cheerful evangelist who was calling on DWFH’s behalf. The woman at the funeral home, sounding sincerely concerned, apologized profusely, and said that they’d track down the caller and take immediate action. Because of her tone of voice, I believed her.

So perhaps Mindy will actually have a Christian Adventure, herself.

Happy Valen-times Day

Well tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which I really hate. What's up with all that lovey-dovey crap and those little Necco candies that say "Be Mine" or "EZ 2 Love" or "What the Fuck Flavor Is This Supposed to Be"? I'm not anti-affection, mind you. I just don't want anyone telling me when, where, and how to express it. My attitude is: If I'm having trouble getting you in the mood, Baby, I doubt that a Hallmark card is gonna heat things up. Unless it comes with a blowtorch.

But this year, as a holiday gift to my readers, I'm going to investigate a religion that spends not just February 14 but the whole year telling its practitioners when, where, how — and even whom — to love. I decided to join millions of Christians and celebrate my Valentine’s Day with the Christ. I hope you'll come along with me for this Jesus love-fest.

On our first kiss, try not to be overwhelmed by the wallpaper. The woman who created this page has the serious hots for JC and she's laboring under the delusion that he reciprocates. There’s lots of stuff to read here, which, obviously, you won’t. But you're sure to enjoy the plethora of flickering hearts (no, that's not you having a seizure), and you might want to scroll down and look at these two sections: Love Letter from Jesus and Father’s Love Letter. Apparently, someone imagines herself as the love-object of an entire family of super-beings.

This next possibly pedophiliac kiss is especially for children. Please, kids, allow us to beat you over the head with our Jesus message. "Stay with God's teaching from his Word, so you will not be fooled by false teachers!" (Those are the ones who try to explain science, or enlighten you about history, or just plain correct your spelling.) I ask my readers to scroll down to the pictue of Emmi Squirrel and her friends and tell me this: Does that rabbit look naked to you? Now, as a side-note, I have no idea what tune is playing here, or what the words are. But it just sounds so happy-face Christian Pop to me. Question for musicians: Are there any defining features of Christian Pop music?

Speaking of music: this organ-involving kiss gives us a slew of special Christian Valentine’s Day Songs. Maybe, if you’re not an evangelical, you won’t be able to understand what’s particularly romantic about, say, “Onward, Christian Soliders” or “Am I a Soldier of the Cross?” But I’m sure that fundie women’s panties get all wet when they listen to “God is So Good” and I imagine that their men find themselves pole-vaulting around the room when they hear “Soldiers of the Cross Arise” or “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.”

Here’s a kiss with maybe a little tongue. This short play pretty much explains why there are so many divorces in America today. The director's note says it all: "In this script, the husband and wife appear to express their love to one another, however, the audience will come to learn (at the end) that they are actually expressing their love to Jesus." That son-of-a-god is a real home-wrecker.

A passionate kiss at last, "Valentines Day With Jesus" is one of the best examples of the poetic form known as "godderel". This little ditty appears all over the Evangernet with dozens of different backgrounds and musical accompaniment styles, and occasionally with a properly placed apostrophe. You’d think, from its ubiquity, that it was a literary work going back to the Middle Ages. But nope, it was written in 2003. It's soooooo good, however, that it can be seen everywhere. Notice how the gifted poet cleverly uses off-rhymes like mine/time and air/cares. She's definitely someone who was not fooled by false English teachers.

This last, goodnight kiss has gotta be my favorite. I'm sorry it's such a long smooch, but if you love Jesus, you'll stick it out through this. And how can you resist? To begin with, the female star tells us that when people watch her videos "it just makes my hair on fire.” I'm not going to tell you whether or not that actually happens; you'll have to watch in suspense as I did. (Hint: Do her pants catch fire, too? They should, but they don't.) The really endearing thing about this vlogger, though, is how she pronounces “Valen-times Day” every single tine she says it. For poignancy, don't miss the short scene where she asks her son to stop playing the drums because she's "filming." And last but not least, you'll find it fascinating to view her creative process as she paints what may well be the most ugly valentine ever seen. Perhaps one of my artist readers can explain her technique.

So that's it, folks. Happy Valentine's Day to you all, from me and Jesus. I haven't sent you anything, but Jesus tells me that he has FTD'd a dozen roses to all those who believe in Him. So here's your Valentine's Day Wager: If you believe in Jesus and you're wrong, you get no fewer flowers than you started with. But if you don't believe in Jesus and you're wrong, you're missing out on a high-quality bouquet.

Dear Athiest: Fan Mail from Trinity

If you've been following the great debates at JP's place (and if you haven't been, you probably ought to at least take a peek), you may have already met the person who sent me the following email earlier today.

Dear athiest, (on jps’ blog i called you the owel guy because i had trouble writing extremnater. sorry, i will write that if you want. but do you mind if i just call you the?. So hear goes.) Dear the,

thank you for agreing with me about iggy being a liar. so i decide to go and look at your blog. maybe im not as smart as some poeple but i dont understand a lot there. first you ask “Are you better off then you were 200 years ago?”. im sorry but that doesnt make any sence to me because we were all still dead 200 years ago.

then you said you were runing for presedant but i dont beleive you. you are not on tv. sorry if you are but i dont think you are because i watch a lot of different chanels and i never see you. sometimes i dont watch sprots or cooking shows (i hate cooking shows because why do we need them when their are good rest’o’rants???). so if you are running on tv, please tell me what chanel (even if its sprots or coking) and what time because i would like to see you. i dout that you really look like an owel. (that is a joke so dont be angry. i dont always tell them as good as the 3 stogges.) but if you are running you shoud definatly try to be on tv more. i dont think any presidant was ever illected who wasnt on tv at least on jay lenno or opra or ellin. i woud pick ellin because she is funny and dances and jay lenno and opra are not funny and dances.

if you are not runing for presedant why would you say you are runing for presedant and not? is this a good joke for athiests??? because sorry i dont get it. we all ready have alot of poeple runing for presedant. we have hilarie (but i herd a commidan say they should call her hilarous! dont blame me for that joke because im not that good). and that black muslem guy and that New York one from 7-11 and fred tomsin (used to but drooped out yester day) and Mitt Romny (you prabobly know all ready that he is a moron! but did you know they think there underpants are magic? im not kidding!!!) and Mike Huckabee (yay!). im for Mike Huckabee. he is the only ture Christian running (even you!)

i also looked at your blog other things you wrote. i dont want to critasize but did you know you speled Christian wrong? you wrote Quistian. theres no Q in the real word. just so you know, we get that word from Jesus Christ who is the one true savor who came to Earth with powers and abilties far biyond those of mortel men and was born of Mary a virgo and crossfied for us all to take our sins away from us and then He rose after the 3ird day and joined His Father God in Heave. even thouhg you dont beleive in Him (you are athiest rimember?) you should of speled His name right. the h is the hard part but the rest is just the way it sounds.

maybe you have trouble with the h on your key bored because i aslo see you dint spell Mike Huckabee right. you speled him with F instead of H. i bet you dint relize that you made a bad word there maybe you never heard it. but you shoud look up F-U-C-K and then youl be unbarassed. when you find out what it means youll be happy noone calls you F-U-C-K-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-O-R. (I coped that cair fully so i spelled it write except for the F-U-C-K part at the beginning.) (its really E-T-X, in case you didnt relize what i ment).

one other questoin for you. why do you have a line throuhg Gods picture. i dont think thats very nice. you dint put a line throuhg the owels picture did you? if you put lines throuhg pictures it shoud be fair, God AND owel.

heres another questin and then i will stop. this is not really a questoin but i hope you read it any way. i want to help you because you helped me with iggy. i allways like to help a nother Christian so why shount i help a athiest once and a while. exspeciall if he helped me with a liar like you? maybe i will show you why you shoud be a Christian. and then i would of helped a Christian not an athiest!!!

So heres six reasons. (you can read about them in the Bible) 1- Jesus turned the bread into wine, 2- Jesus saved the woman from stonning because she was an adult, 3- Jesus razed Lazeris, 3- Jesus made a lame person walk (just so you know. when the Bible says lame it is not like a lame joke or a lame axcuse. it is a person who cant walk and Jesus made him)., 4- Jesus heeled the leapers (thats a dissease where things fall off there body!!!), 5. Jesus gave the Surmon of the Month. 6. the crossifixation where he died for are sins.

so thats six reasons!!!

are you a Christian yet? (i know your not thats just a joke. im not that good at them. but think about it).

also sorry, but one last questoin. what is no more hornets mean? do you some times right about hornets? they are another word for bees, right? i looked but i coud not find any bees on your blog. i think if you are saying no more some thing there shoud be that some thing some where for there to be no more of. just a sugstion.

thank you for lissening and for agreeing with me agenst iggy.

your fiend,

trinity

My Capital Offenses

Gordonliv at Ain’t Christian has this to say about religionists Using Initial Capital Letters all the Damn Time. His example: The Glory of God shall be upon Thee according to His Word, in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for All Eternity.

Doesn’t that kind of nonsensical Font-Abuse just make you want to Throw Up?

However, Gordonliv goes on to say, in deference to the English language, all proper names should be spelled with initials caps. That’s how we literates do things. For atheists to ignore that, he writes, is “silly.”

I agree with him for the most part. It’s ridiculous not to write "Jesus," "Mohammed," “Christian,” “Jew,” etc., just because you don’t respect the people to whom these words refer. (After all, most of us still use caps for “George Bush.”) I think, perhaps, you could even make a valid argument for uppercase “Atheist,” if you actually feel — although I don’t — that we’re some kind of proper-noun ethnic group.

But Gordonliv is wrong about two words he cites, and I'lll continue not to give them the recognition that an initial capital implies. Here's why:

(1) god. It’s not a proper name. When a person uses that word, you can't really know to whom it refers. Is it the god of the Jews, the Muslims, or the Christians? Is it the god of fundamentalist, moderate, or liberal practitioners of their particular religion. Yes, all these magicians in the sky are supposed to be the very same god, but clearly they're not. (Here’s a reasonable Christian take, written in the context of creationists vs. non-creationists, on this very “which god is it?” issue.) For me, using a lowercase spelling reflects the word's ambiguity.

(2) bible. The bible is not a single book; it's a collection of books written over the course of a millennium. And, again, the word has a different meaning for Jews than it does for Protestants, and a different meaning for Protestants than it does for Catholics. Of course, I think the name of each individual book should be capitalized. But as a book-lover, I have difficulty emphasizing a word which simply means "book," as if it’s the only one that’s important — particularly when it really refers to an ill-defined anthology. I suppose I’d have no problem writing: God’s Greatest Hits, Volumes I and II . (Notice that I did capitalize “God” when it was a word in a title.) For Jews, of course, it would have to be The Best of God: Volume I. And for Roman Catholics, whose bible includes a whole section of apocryphal writings, the collection would have to be called

The God Ominibus: featuring The Adventures of God, The Return of God, and The Son of God, now all in one convenient volume.

Language is a powerful tool, perhaps the most powerful tool that we humans have. If we’re adept with this tool, we make informed choices when we use it. When I refuse to capitalize “god” and “bible,” I’m not being “silly.” I’m using the tool I have — English — in the way it was meant to be used: to convey meaning.

The Creationist Art Gallery

As we atheists are well aware, the Creation Museum of Faux Science will be opening this weekend. Less well publicized, however, is the accompanying Creationist Art Gallery. Fortunately, I’ve been able to get an advance copy of the catalog, and I can assure you that the displays will demonstrate the same kind of careful attention to scientific and historical truth that the more well-known venue does. Below, I’ve reproduced ten pages from the catalog, just to give you an idea of the high quality of the exhibits. (Note: I’ve taken the liberty to correct the many spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors.)

ITEMS FROM THE CATALOG

Unknown Pagan Egyptian Artist: Dawkinubis, the God of Evolution (circa 1500 B.C.)

The ancient Egyptians had many weird beliefs, unlike modern-day Evangelical Christians. Here, their god of Evolution is depicted with the head of a lying jackal and the body of Tom Cruise. The long staff-like object in his left hand is known as a Dennett, the symbol for a dangerous idea. Notice, however, that his right hand grasps an Egyptian cross, representing the sacrifice of our Lord. Art historians believe that the anonymous Egyptian sculptor was attempting to depict a “compromise” between science and Christianity, an endeavor we now know to be impossible.

Edgar Degas: Degenerate Scientists (1876)

Like most enlightened persons of his day, Degas realized that the pursuit of science, at the expense of religion, leads one into a life of immorality. In this frightening portrait of two evolutionists, Degas perfectly captures the spiritual emptiness of his subjects.

John Trumbull: The Beginnings of a Christian Nation (1817)

This famous painting shows the Continental Congress of 1776, as the draft of the Declaration of Independence is being presented. The tall red-headed Christian in the middle is Thomas Jefferson, flanked by Christian John Adams on his right, Christian Benjamin Franklin on his left, and a couple of Christian guys you never heard of. If you look closely at all the faces, you’ll notice that everyone present is contemplating God.

Francisco Goya: Darwin Eating His Child (1821-23)

It’s a little-known fact, fortunately documented for posterity by Goya, that Charles Darwin once ate one of his children. Darwin and the child were both naked at the time.

Edvard Munch: Don’t Let This Happen to Your Kid! (1893)

In the early 1890s, Munch visited a number of high school biology classes in Norway. He was much moved by the reactions of students while they were being taught evolutionary theory. In this painting, the artist captures perfectly the emotions of one of the children, who has just heard the evil propaganda that his parents were monkeys. It is not known for sure whether the boy jumped over the bridge or not, but wouldn’t you?

Vincent Van Gogh: Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear (1889)

A few days before painting this masterpiece, Van Gogh recorded in his journal: Today, I attended a lecture on the origin of species. I couldn’t stand what I was hearing. I never want to have to listen to that kind of nonsense again! Art historians agree that the artist cut off his ear a few minutes after lowering his pen. While the curators of the Creationist Art Gallery do not necessarily condone Van Gogh’s extreme response, we do applaud his faith, and are comforted by the knowledge that he got his ear back in heaven.

Pablo Picasso: Woman Without Intelligent Design (1937)

For Picasso, who loved the female form, it was a sin of the highest magnitude to deny that woman had been created expressly for man’s pleasure by God. Over the course of his long life, the artist depicted, over and over again, his nightmarish visions of what women would look like if the Divine Intelligence had not been involved in their design. Art historians believe that the model for this particular portrait was Picasso’s 9^th-grade science teacher.

Auguste Rodin: Nude Supreme Court Justice (1880)

As everyone knows, Rodin predicted — and deplored — the Roe v. Wade opinion nearly 100 years before it was handed down by the Supreme Court. In this famous work, the artist depicts an unidentified Supreme Court Justice (many art historians believe that it’s Antonin Scalia), as he struggles to come up with a rationale for overturning legal precedent. Although this sculpture is not directly related to creationism, we thought you should see it before signing the petition in the gift shop.

Jacques Louis David: Dover, December 2005 (2006)

The figure in the center of the canvas is the world’s most respected scientist and pre-eminent Intelligent Design proponent, Michael Behe. The agonized disciples surrounding him are various upstanding Christian members of the Dover, Pennsylvania School Board. After a ridiculously biased and completely unscientific decision rendered by United States District Judge John E. Jones III, the citizens of Dover have been forbidden to teach Creationism in their public schools. In this painting, however, the artist shows Behe pointing upward at Christ in Heaven, promising his faithful followers that God will soon reveal his Truth to all. The scroll on the ground near the foot of the bed is an original copy of Of Pandas and People. Off to the left, you might be able to spot the villainous P.Z. Myers, chuckling in the background as he climbs the stairs.

Jerry Falwell: Huge-Penised Flying Devil Monkey (2007)

The artist created this work shortly before dying of a broken heart. In this beautifully Photoshopped illustration, the reverend doctor Falwell shows exactly what the evolutionists believe we’re descended from. Is this what you want your children to learn?

Question: Were the Nails Made of Almonds?

You've probably read in various atheist blogs, or perhaps your hometown newspaper, about the six-foot tall, anatomically correct, chocolate Jesus sculpture that was scheduled to be hung up in a Manhattan art gallery. That was, until the Catholic League crankily decided that the statue should melt away.

In searching for more info on various candy Christ phenomena, I stumbled across Village Voice Media's Jesus of the Week Web site, which — if you've been looking for J.C. light switches, balloon figurines, rubber squeeze toys, and/or band-aids — I highly recommend.

Pass Me My Bible, Bitch

So I’m sitting at my desk, riffling through yet another book written to convince atheists like me that there’s no god. The phone rings, but I’m deep into the author’s argument: his brilliant refutation of a Christian’s sharp repudiation of a Skeptic’s thoughtful negation of the asinine ontological argument. We’re talking thousands of words about nothing. As any reader of this blog can appreciate, that kind of thing is right up my eternally damned alley.

My caller ID shows that the communication originates from a toll-free number with an 888 area code. I’m sure that the person trying to reach me is not from a freethinkers’ organization because, as everyone knows, those groups all use area code 666. I let the answering machine respond.

But I can’t resist phone solicitations for long, so a few minutes later, I check my message. What I expect is a cheery voice telling me how I can claim my four-day vacation in lovely Lake Tahoe by simply agreeing to sit through a three-and-a-half-day sales spiel. Instead, this is what I hear, which I’ve transcribed verbatim:

Hello. I’m calling to invite all of the men in your home 17 years of age or older to Church for Men. Church for Men happens Saturday night, 6:00, at the Salvation Army gym [address]. Men, you’re going to hear fun, upbeat music, a powerful, real message for men, and we’ll wrap it up in one hour or less. Church for Men happens Saturday night, 6:00, at the Salvation Army gym [address]. For more information call [phone number]. That’s [phone number].

Of course, I dial the number. And then I get this recorded message, again transcribed verbatim:

Thanks for calling the Church for Men information line. After this greeting, you’ll be able to leave your name and a phone number. You’re invited to join us Saturday night, March 24, 6:00, in the gym at the Salvation Army. The address is [address]. We promise that church for men will be different. We’re attempting to create a place for men that looks nothing like church. Church for men is in a gym, and you’ll hear upbeat, fun music, a message no longer than 15 minutes, and after the message you’ll get to discuss what was said. No pews: we’ll sit around tables. No need to dress up: come as you are. Flip-flops and T-shirts and shorts or jeans are A-OK. We guarantee that the whole event will be wrapped up in one hour or less. You’re invited to join us, Saturday night, March 24, 6:00, in the gym at the Salvation Army. The address is [address]. And hey, don’t forget about the free food from Chick-Fil-A in [local city]. Leave your name and phone number and we’ll get back to you soon.

Church for Men? Are they addressing themselves to gorillas who can’t be expected to behave themselves in a normal non-gender-segregated environment? What distinguishes Church for Men from just plain ol’ church?

Fortunately, there’s a Web site to tell me. It seems that Christians, more than any other collection of morons, thrive on the communicative ether. So how come it took Jesus nearly 2,000 years to reveal the Internet?

In case you don’t have a chance to check it out for yourself, the Church for Men homepage looks like an ad in a gay journal. Under the headline “IT’S TIME TO GO FOR THE GUYS,” the author writes:

We're only a few weeks away from Mother's Day, and a few more away from Father's Day. These are the perfect weekends to make your worship services man-friendly. Why? Mother's Day is one of the "big 3" weekends that unchurched men come to church. (They come in large numbers to please their wives and mothers). And Father's Day is the perfect excuse to "man-up" the worship service at any church.

Now, I’ve been a man all my life, but I’ve never once felt the need to “man-up.” It seems to me that if you’ve got a penis dangling down there, you’ve already covered just about all the man-upping bases you need. Oh, maybe you feel the urge to let out a good Tarzan yell once in a while, or have your chest tattooed with the picture of a scantily clad woman who magically becomes naked when you stand on your head. But you probably never think, "Gosh, if I don't man-up today, I might find myself barefoot and pregnant tomorrow."

It turns out that the targeted Christian Men all have ADHD. They need, Church for Men claims, “adventure, challenge and risk — but these things are discouraged in church.” That’s why, in most churches, you’ll find the men and boys swinging from the rafters, lobbing spitballs down on the docile females in the pews below.

So what’s a poor preacher to do? Well, he can appeal to that special man-brain. According to an e-report at Crosswalk.com, god-loving macho guys love to be surrounded by “camping equipment, pine trees, and target deer.” They long to hear the sounds of bongos and harmonicas rather than choirs and pianos. At the end of a church service, they like to get a gift, like, say, a knife, to help them remember really important god stuff.

I don’t know about you, but it cracks me up to picture J.C. and his disciples clothed in camouflage robes, wearing black grease under their eyes, sitting in a Palestinian pine forest waiting patiently for Bambi while listening to Aramaic country music on bongos and harmonicas, cleaning their fingernails with their shiny new knives, and noshing on fried chicken.

But then, I’m just a regular non-believing guy — not a manned-up Christian Man.

Could YOU Be an Intelligent Designer?

Once in a while, even the most dedicated of us get tired of separating church and state. That’s when Jefferson would pull out his fiddle, or make a trip down to his wine cellar. Me, I go trolling through the Internet to find mindless time-wasters.

So, okay, if you pull the elephant’s back legs down slowly, first to the right and then to the left, you can fashion a decent tail; to form two distinct flukes, put a little indent in the middle. Then stretch the front legs slowly, one at a time to turn them into flippers. If you press down on the critter’s back, not too far behind its head, and then do the same around its rear end, you’ll be left with a bump on its spine that you can shape into a fin.

Thus, your elephant becomes a sea mammal.

You can perform this little exercise in unintelligent design by playing a kids’ “game” called Animal Warp at ChristianAnswers.net. Besides the elephant, you can try your hand improving a toucan, a rhino, a monkey, and various other species. What, exactly, this activity has to do with Christianity is sneakily withheld during the game. Just a few clicks away, though, you can learn all kinds of wondrous misinformation about nature, creationist propaganda written in the kind of simple language that any Christian — child OR adult — can understand. The most important lesson, of course, is:

In the beginning God created everything perfect ...

If you’re an inventive and shameless parent, you can use “Animal Warp” to show your offspring what a shitmess they could make out of god’s allegedly perfect creations. When they push and pull the poor animal's picture, they're probably gonna wind up with some unidentifiable goo, looking like a chocolate Easter beast that has melted way beyond recognition. Why? Because your kids don’t have a really great plan like the big guy's.

One thing he probably didn’t anticipate, however, was sea debris: floating condoms, cigarette butts, plastic straws, indestructible gum, pages ripped out of bibles, and the like. Which is why I went to the bottom of the elephorpoise’s trunk and pulled on both ends until it looked like a vacuum cleaner attachment.

Why didn’t god think of that one, huh?

Church Thanks God for 20 Dead, $Millions In Damage

The insanity of Christians is boundless. So is their smug lack of common decency.

In the early morning hours of Friday, February 2, tornadoes hit Central Florida, killing twenty people, destroying or damaging hundreds of homes and buildings, devastating property, and causing over $50 million worth of damage. One of the edifices that did not survive the intelligently designed weather was the Lady Lake Church of God.

Yet, on Sunday morning, the congregation of more than a hundred Jesus junkies arrived for an outdoor service led by pastor Larry Lynn. Local media covered this alleged feel-good story in a pious gush of enthusiasm. Lynn spread his idiocy standing in front of and between the church’s large broken wooden cross and an American flag, both icons looking as if they had been raised amidst the rubble of a momentous battle against the forces of evil. The significance of the flag was not explained, but perhaps the attendees were supposed to believe that an unnamed Middle Eastern cabal had attacked our great christian country with their faithless winds.

Pastor Lynn intoned: "I'd like everybody to take a deep breath, and let everybody who has breath today praise God.” And before you could say, “moron,” there they were, mumbling their hosannas in the wake of a terrible disaster for which no one in his or her right mind conceivably could have been grateful.

“Hey, thanks a lot, pal. You did good. Sorry you murdered my neighbors while they were asleep, but I trust you must have had a reason, even though I can’t think of one. Maybe they didn’t pray hard enough, huh? By the way, I appreciate your sparing me. How much do I owe you?”

In one TV report, the minister did manage to find a bright spot among the wreckage. According to him, the church was in need of improvements anyway.

In other words, his deity massacred a score of innocents and caused financial and personal ruin to thousands of others, just so that the church could be given an excuse to expand. Not one so-called newsperson dared to point out that all the money spent rebuilding the church could, perhaps, be much better used helping people rebuild their lives.

Also in attendance at the prayer meeting was Florida’s governor, Charlie Crist (no “h”), who canceled his Super Bowl visit to show up for the photo op. Crist praised and congratulated the congregation for coming together, as if it would have been a cosmic catastrophe for them to miss their obviously worthless weekly worship. While the Southern states may not actually endorse a particular brand of Christianity, they do what they can to encourage any and all examples of religious mumbo-jumbo.

Despite dozens of TV and radio reports about the twisters, none of the interviews broadcast so far has reflected any sentiments other than those, like Lynn’s and Crist’s, that are routinely trotted out in the aftermath of natural disasters. Survivors assert that god must have been watching over them—unaware of the implication, of course, that he chose not to protect those dismissible others, the ones who died.

Not surprisingly, television viewers and radio listeners have yet to hear someone say: “Gee, now that I think about all this, maybe there is no god, after all.”

I've Just Seen a Face

On January 1, I spotted the head of a triceratops in a cloud. Immediately, of course, I called my local news media to alert them to the fact that dinosaurs had not really gone extinct.

Unfortunately, the press had no time for my story because they were all drooling over another fantastic sighting. It seems that Jesus’s face was seen on the bark of a tree—the specific kind was apparently not important enough to be mentioned—in the Arlington section of Jacksonville, Florida.

While my dinosaur attracted absolutely no attention, TV camera crews and reporters flocked into Daryl Brown’s yard to catch a glimpse of the Christ. Pictures of the holy plant presence were posted on the “News4Jax” and “Local6” web sites, so viewers could decide for themselves if they agreed with Brown: "Jesus don't just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist." An unnamed neighbor was a bit more circumspect: “I can’t say what I feel, I just feel it.”

According to the story (which was earth-shaking enough to be repeated in a number of non-Jacksonville markets, like mine), a dog-walker was the first to spot the sacred timber. She said she’s comforted knowing that the Messiah is watching over her as she strolls with her pet through the neighborhood. The news report did not mention what, if any, images she sees in her pooch’s poop.

People who spy the paraclete’s puss in a tree – or a tortilla (1978 in Lake Arthur, New Mexico), rock (2005 in Hallettsville, Texas and 2006 in Long Island, New York), paint splotch on a wall (2005 in Detroit, Michigan), dental x-ray (2004 in Phoenix, Arizona), or Pizza Hut billboard (1991 in Atlanta, Georgia) – are experiencing pareidolia. Pareidolia is the illusory perception of a recognizable pattern in a random, vague stimulus. In other words, it’s the vision of god peeking out from the trunk of a tree.

A medical name for this phenomenon, coined in 1958 by Klaus Conrad, an internationally renowned neuropsychologist and psychopatholigist, is apophenia. According to Wikipedia, Conrad called apophenia "unmotivated seeing of connections" accompanied by a "specific experience of an abnormal meaningfulness." Interestingly, Conrad’s original description of apophenia applied to the kinds of distortions of reality experienced by psychotics. The word is now used more often to describe the mirages of so-called normal persons, like those of us who see prehistoric animals in clouds or genitalia in seashells.

Usually, we enjoy our sessions of apophenia alone, or perhaps share them with a loved one: “Honey, this is amazing. My wine spill looks like Mickey Mouse.” It’s only when some religious kook sees Jesus or Mary in the spaghetti sauce that the vision becomes newsworthy. Whereas no one but a nut would believe for a second that the world’s most famous rodent had appeared magically in the merlot to deliver a message of hope, allegedly sane people do become stubbornly convinced that god has embossed his picture on their belongings to show how much he loves them.

It’s nice to begin the new year with a story about religious silliness that didn’t hurt anybody, except perhaps for the birds and squirrels who will be shooed away from the savior’s woody mug. But the truly delusional Jesus-tree-huggers are not going to evanesce the way my sky-dwelling dinosaur did. We must remember that the nation’s deranged god-worshipers are constantly experiencing apophenia, seeing and hearing imaginary dangers to their nonexistent deity. They deal with their hallucinations by trying to influence our kids’ education, our neighbors’ sexual behavior, the progress of science, and the direction of our government.

Johnny Jesusseed is coming soon to a yard near you.

But Can It Say "Mama"?

Anyone who doesn’t believe that evangelicals are still scheming to take over America, must not know about one of their latest ploys: the Chatty Jeezy. According to an Associated Press story today, an ultra-Christian organization decided to donate 4,000 talking Jesus dolls to the Toys for Tots program run by the Marine Reserves.

The Marines' response had me whistling “From the halls of Montezuma ...” all day long. They now have yet another reason to be proud; they nixed the propaganda playthings. The vice president of “Toys for Tots,” Bill Grein, acknowledged that the Marines, as an institution of the government, may not prefer one religion over another. He is quoted as saying, “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.” He apparently did not mention Hindus, Rastas, Wiccans, or followers of the Great Unidentifiable Bird—and certainly not atheists—but his point was clear. Foisting these Jesus toys onto unsuspecting children is unconstitutional. Grein’s other major talking point, was that the dolls didn’t seem like they’d be much fun.

The manufacturer of the talking Jesi is a company called “one2believe.” Unbelievably, that entity is a division of the well-known Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Company, which, its Web site claims, “handles the design, manufacturing, distribution, and sales” of plush and/or animatronic versions of a wide range of kiddy-culture icons: Paddington Bear, the Muppets, SpongeBob Squarepants, 102 Dalmatians, Shrek, Dora the Explorer, and the Grinch (press his chest and he steals the Jesus doll's birthday).

Michael La Roe, the minister of culture for both the parent firm and its divine child (the AP calls him “the director of business development for both companies”) was flabbergasted at the Marines’ reaction. He couldn’t believe that families might be offended by “three-dimensional teaching tools for kids.”

But these are not your father's Barbies. La Roe's what-did-I-do? reaction is indicative of the sneakiness of theocratic Christians. One2believe is well aware that it’s shoving religion down little throats. At its Web site, the agenda is clearly presented in a mission statement: “Teach 10 million children 50 Bible stories by 2007.”

To view the toys, themselves, though, you have to access the “Messengers of Faith” site, where you are exhorted to “Teach Your Children the Bible ... One Character at a Time!” (See the little miracles with your own eyes.)

At the top of the Home page, you’re greeted by an inspirational picture of a lovely child and her attractive mother holding Tickle-Me Jesus while poring over a book of obviously kid-friendly stories. Scroll down the page and you can see various dolls from the get-‘em-while-they’re-young collection. Perhaps appropriately, all the characters appear to be cross-eyed. The cost of each: 20 bucks. Except of course for poor tots, whom the company offers to brainwash for free.

Elsewhere on the Messengers' interactive message board, you can hear sound files from the company’s line of propagandolls. These toys would be laughable, if the god bullies had not given serious consideration to spreading them like a plague among the neediest youngsters. One of Jesus’s fun sayings, for example, is, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” What child of any religion wouldn’t want to wake up to that on Christmas morning?

The blurb for the Christ doll tells potential buyers that he was “the most important person in history. Ever.” But one2believe sells other, lesser, biblical figurines, as well. Moses, for instance, intones, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, or his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” After hearing that inspirational speech, could any normal child ever think again of coveting his or her neighbor’s wife or manservant?

The Esther character utters an urgent announcement, in what one2believe calls “easy-to-memorize style.” And indeed, it's hard to imagine how any little boy or girl would have trouble rattling off the words: “Go, gather all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.” That'll be a ball to chant in the playground.

Sadly, the company does not mention whether any of the dolls wet themselves.