Friday, June 13, 2008

Unlucky Atheists

Atheists don’t actually believe in luck, but it’s possible that they can, in fact, be unlucky. Today being Friday the 13th, I thought I’d perform a service and list an appropriate number of ways that atheists could find themselves to be the victims of misfortune.

  1. Not voting for George W. Bush but having him be your president anyway and then the party you did vote for doesn’t have enough balls and/or scruples to impeach him.

  2. Living next-door to a hard-of-hearing family that enjoys Contemporary Christian music.

  3. Having a crush on an attractive coworker and taking months to summon up the courage to ask her out on a date and then the day you finally do feel confident enough to approach her she shows you her new “Jesus Saves” tattoo.

  4. Being so dimwitted that even though you can speak intelligently about the dangers to the food supply brought about by a combination of climate change, pollution, and corporate greed you still need Charlton Heston to clue you in that Soylent Green is people.

  5. Taking a home-study cartooning course in Holland and having as your first assignment: Draw a picture of Mohammed with a bomb on his head.

  6. Hearing your atheist wife telling an old friend of hers that she thinks your marriage has been successful because the two of you are both Capricorns.

  7. Tuning into a TV program announced in your local newspaper as “Richard Dawkins hosts a discussion on the evolutionary development of family morality,” but actually the editors didn’t catch a minor typo in a blurb that really should have said, “Richard Dawson hosts Family Feud.”

  8. Being awakened early on a Sunday morning by a knock on your door and gearing up for a fun confrontation but it’s just a Jehovah’s Witness who wants to let you know that your car is on fire.

  9. Inventing a great atheist game in which the object is to acquire as many areas of knowledge — science, history, math, philosophy, literature, etc — as possible and then build on your knowledge to make it even more effective but somebody points out that the rules are almost exactly the same as Monopoly.

  10. Having a priest ask you how atheists can claim to have any morals and then after you get all smug in preparation for a devastating answer it turns out that he’s the only Roman Catholic clergyman in the entire world who goes for grown-up women.

  11. Smiling sheepishly when asked to say grace at a family dinner, you finally reveal that you’re an atheist and everybody says, “Really? I’m an atheist, also!” but it’s still tuna casserole.

  12. Wearing your A T-shirt to an atheist convention at a big hotel and accidentally wandering into a suite where there’s a meeting of the Assholes Club.

  13. Getting into a blog argument with a Christian about the Problem of Evil and scoring dozens of “killer” points that leave him or her totally whipped and then you notice that you’ve been typing “evli” in all your comments.
Anyway, good luck, folks.


Anonymous said...

@ Ex,

#2 and #8 are to be feared alright.

#12 - LOL

#13 - Re: "whipped" Well, surely the entire world is pink through rose colored glasses!

Anonymous said...

Re: #11 - I'm not convinced that even the most faithful Christian would say grace over tuna casserole.

Venjanz said...

Some birds for you:

The Exterminator said...

Well, surely the entire world is pink through rose colored glasses!
If you're seeing anything pink around here, you must be looking at that tuna casserole.

I've known Christians to say grace even over Jell-O with fruit in it. I can't vouch for what they'd do with just plain Jell-O, since I think Christ commanded the admixture of bananas or canned mandarin oranges into all gelatinous substances. Isn't that what Jesus meant when he said Ye shall know them by their fruits?

Great photo. I love the little bird at the bottom -- the picture is too fuzzy for me to be able to identify the species. Whoever he is, that guy looks like he's waiting for some monster-truck action to happen.

Oz Atheist said...

#3 would be just my luck.

No bad luck yesterday, even considering I went to the dentist for a filling.

The Exterminator said...

No bad luck yesterday, even considering I went to the dentist for a filling.
Well, when you start receiving evangelical radio broadcasts through your teeth you might change your tune.

Bacchus Veritas said...

Lol #10, I would be incredibly shocked to find a Catholic priest going after someone who is either a woman or grown-up, let alone both! That indeed would be rare and a Friday the 13th to remember!

Anonymous said...

14. Planning to post a blog entry on luck (since it's Friday the 13th, and the superstitious are out in force), only to find that another atheist blogger has already put up a funnier, better-thought-out post up on their own blog. Cheers, Ex.

Anonymous said...

Ah fuck!

And I didn't realize that it was Friday the 13th, so I completely missed my opportunity to spook the spookable.

I did the same thing two years ago on June 6.

Guess I'm unlucky that way.

PhillyChief said...

I'd rather draw Mohammed with a bomb than Tippy Turtle.

You know who wasn't unlucky? Richard Dawson.

The game sounds fun. Would you still have the same Monopoly pieces or new ones? Maybe a big A, a brain, what else? Would you still have Marvin Gardens?

People or not, if Soylent Green had bacteria that allegedly helped you poop regularly, it would still sell very well.

John Evo said...

Number 3 isn't "unlucky"!

Definite "score".

Just trying to do my genetic duty.

The Exterminator said...

I'm guessing you're not a spokesperson for the Vatican.

So I got you to laugh, huh? Knock on wood.

Actually, I don't see anything scary about 06/06/06.

Maybe a big A, a brain, what else?
I can think of: the atom logo, an evolutionary middleman (not necessarily the Evolutionary Middleman), Occam's razor, and Pascal's losing wager ticket. Marven Gardens would be renamed Darwin Gardens.

You're right about Soylent Green. Its slogan could be: Soylent Green is poople.

Yeah, and it wouldn't surprise me if you continued your exploits with the wife in #6, the Jehovah's Witness, and Charlton Heston. Am I gonna have to hide the tuna fish casserole?

Unknown said...

#3 is lucky because you get the warning sign before you make the jump.

Venjanz said...

the bird at the bottom of the pic is a magpie.