Thursday, August 14, 2008

Thirteen Worst Reasons for Believing in a God

I've heard every one of these arguments, and so have you. I think these versions may be slightly exaggerated. But only slightly.

  1. If there were no god, there would be no bible. And if there were no bible, there would be no god. There’s definitely a bible, because I saw one at WalMart. So there must be a god at WalMart, too.

  2. If I pray hard enough, my French-cut canned stringbeans will turn into Jesus’s body. Then, if I eat them, I’ll go to heaven, as long as I don’t chew.

  3. Somebody must love me, because I feel loved. But everybody who knows me thinks I’m a creep. So there must be a god.

  4. My Islamic terrorist neighbor says I should.

  5. Everybody throughout history believed in a god. Except Hitler. Doesn’t that tell you something?

  6. Since there's no logic unless there's a god, you can't prove to me logically that there's no god. Ergo, there is a god. Q.E.D. & R.O.F.L.M.A.O.

  7. If there’s no god, how do you explain this voice in my head, huh? Did you ever think of that, you wacko atheists?

  8. I can imagine a god. Therefore, he must exist. But I wish he didn’t look exactly like my Uncle Sid.

  9. How else can you explain the fact that there are exactly 60 seconds in a minute, and exactly sixty minutes in an hour, and exactly 6o hours in two and a half days, and exactly 60 days in two months (except for the weird ones like January, February, March, May, July, August, October, and December)? That didn't happen just by accident.

  10. Where would human morals come from if there was no god eager to torture us eternally for not believing in him?

  11. Without a god, what a poor, pathetic, pointless place Sheboygan would be.

  12. According to your stupid theories, I would still be a monkey if there was no god. Obviously, I’m not a monkey. Right? Right?

  13. Since Nature is perfect, it must be god’s creation. I thought of that today while I was fertilizing my begonias and spraying for aphids.


John Evo said...

Uh... these aren't bad reasons. They are about as good as they get!

Anonymous said...

Only a heathen would come up with 13 reasons for anything. What's the matter, didn't you have time to list 666 reasons, excuse me, I mean excuses, for believing in a god?

DB said...

The sad thing is I still continue to hear each one of these. Poe's Law ftw.

Venjanz said...

Funny thing happened to me today. I was outside smoking at work, and workers had installed a new drainage system that they covered with mostly fist-sized rocks.

I started looking at them, and there was a fascinating assortment of sandstone, granite, quartz, and more than a few geodes. Rocks of every type, even some that were at one time pumice, but had been coated with minerals. I was picking them up and looking at them, when this girl that works there walked up to me and asked what I was looking at. I offhandedly said "The history of the Earth," with a faint smile, and she just kinda looked back with this blank stare.

I showed her some fossils in the sandstone pieces, and a cracked geode, and explained that the quarry where these came from (there is a very large one near by) was once an ocean bed, and that there was some volcanism that took place millions of years ago that transformed and twisted some of these rocks into the shapes you see, and minerals yadda yadda... I thought I did a good job of explaining this to her. Her comment was "God works in mysterious ways!" with a beaming smile.

Now I was the one with the blank stare. "I don't think you understand what I was saying, these rocks have nothing to do with God," and then I stopped. What could I say? So I started talking about something else.

It's getting late and I am going to make her breakfast in the morning before I take her to work, so g-nite Ex.

(You might be thinking that some of this story was made up, and you are correct. There were no rocks.)


John Morales said...

OK, that was funny.

tina FCD said...

I like this one.

Okay, who made god?

No one, he just.... is.

yunshui said...

Is this another puzzle? Are we supposed to guess where they come from?

2. Bill Donahue
4. Rod Parsley
6. Rhology
9. VenomFangX

Do I win a prize?

DB said...

Number 4 gets me every time. My neighbor Dirka Dirka keeps promising me 72 virgins and seems really, really sincere! It is getting hard to say no. Damn peer pressure.

Anonymous said...

You forgot: "I found my car keys when I really, really, really needed to drive over to my atrologist. I prayed for god's help, and my car keys appeared in my purse."

Anonymous said...

I have no idea why my comment appeared twice. Maybe Goddiddit? All hail the Great God Windows!

Rhology said...

RE: #6 - maybe you could do a post where you explain the grounding of logic in an atheist universe. That would be interesting.

The Exterminator said...

Yeah, you're right. I guess I should delete the word "Worst" from the title of the post.

Well, I originally did write 666 reasons, but the post was way too long. And there was a lot of repetition.

I think the law is the best thing Poe ever wrote. Better even than "The Pit and the Pendulum" or "The Raven." (Most people don't know that in the original, the raven said Ever moron.)

Well, you may have found the only good reason for believing in a god. If you wound up taking some woman home for the night, I'd have to admit that god works in very mysterious ways.

Was the post funny? Or the comment by Venjanz?

Yeah, I forgot that one. Good catch.

Aw, you came so close to winning a prize. Actually, the answer was D) to get to the other side.

DB (again):
I think you should ask your neighbor if you could test the merchandise.

Well, I forgot that one, too. Good catch. Twice. However, I deleted the repeated comment, so readers will just have to imagine that it exists. It's kind of like god now.

Maybe you could do a post where you explain the grounding of logic in an atheist universe.
Now why didn't I think of writing a post on that? Oh, wait a minute. I know. The question is absolutely stupid. How's your wife, by the way?

John Evo said...


The Exterminator said...

Oh, I meant to ask you ... how's Rhology's wife?

Steve Shea said...


I'm guessing by the embedded Sheboygan reference that either (1) you one of the few, the morose, the residents of heretofore mentioned urb [*scuse me] or (2) you listen to Stephanie Miller.

I've taken the liberty of sending her the list. Who knows - if the believers don't launch a war against Russia over the weekend, she might have time to share it with the world, or at least her half-dozen listeners.

The Exterminator said...

I have never (1) lived or visited Sheboygan, or (2) listened to Stephanie Miller. I just like the way the name rolls off the tongue.

I'm flattered that you sent my list to Stephanie Miller, although I doubt that she'll use it. On the other hand, I hope you've made it clear to her that she must credit me (and send some kind of payment) if she does. I'm not in the habit of writing free humor for radio personalities.

Rhology said...

the question is stupid

Oh. Wow, I wish I'd known that!

I guess you're just expecting everyone to take your word for it. No need to prove it.

So, by all means, don't provide evidence for your assertions. It makes being a Christian that much easier.

The Exterminator said...

We've gone back and forth on your ridiculous "evidence" question dozens of times. It's been asked and answered to the point of tediousness. In your magic-centered worldview, in which you posit that one can accept the validity of evidence only by first accepting the existence of a god, I can't even begin to have a reasonable adult discussion with you. Your philosophy is that of a small child having a tantrum: I say so because I say so.

Perhaps you should find somewhere else to bang your head against the wall. You may not have noticed, but this room is decorated with spikes.

Of course, as you know, I'll never delete anything you write here. But what's your point? Why do you keep coming around? Surely you're not so deluded as to think that anyone here puts the slightest credence in anything you say.

I sure hope you don't have a man-crush on me.

PhillyChief said...

No, presuppositionalism makes being a Christian so much easier, since you don't have to fucking think. Just spin right round in your circular logic baby, right round round round.

bullet said...

maybe you could do a post where you explain the grounding of logic in an atheist universe.

1 + 1 = 2

You're welcome.

Rhology said...

I say so because I say so.

Is that kind of like: I don't need to explain the grounding of logic because logic just IS?

As far as my motivation, it's illustrative and also fun to watch someone who talks a big line about being so interested in that which is warranted and rational to retreat to faith and ipse dixits when the right button is pushed. It's pretty sad but also interesting at the same time.

Rhology said...

1 + 1 = 2

Maybe you're not a materialist, but if you are, I'd like to know where you saw two-ness. What was it made of? Does it grow somewhere? Where did you see it?

John Morales said...

Exterminator, the post.

Re: grounding in logic; Kant had it covered a couple of hundred years ago.

The Exterminator said...

Logy will be asking you to define 1 and + and = and 2, and then to demonstrate how you could conceivably know about any of that unless you have some Superfriend in the Sky. While you answer him, the rest of us can finish balancing our checkbooks.

I'm not hot on the idea of digging into Kant. Philosophy bores me; I think it's a lot like navel-gazing.

In the real world, I know that when a mosquito bites me, I itch. Perhaps I'm wrong about the cause and effect, but so what? No one has provided me so far with any evidence to the contrary, so it's a good working hypothesis that mosquito=itchiness. I don't need to indulge in any deep philosophizing to figure out that it's probably a good idea for me to steer clear of mosquito-infested swamps.

John Evo said...

Speaking of ipse dixitism -

Logic is impossible without the god of the old testament. Once we are in agreement that it exists because of him then we can discuss how logic can assist us.

1 + 1 = 2, because god made it so.

Excuse me. I need to go have a little sex.

Anonymous said...

I thought that, with the new testament, 1+1+1=1. The unity of the trinity and all.

Venjanz said...

Well, you may have found the only good reason for believing in a god. If you wound up taking some woman home for the night, I'd have to admit that god works in very mysterious ways.

ZING! +1

John Evo said...

"I'm not convinced", Venjanz! Pictures please.