Breaking Obama News: Read It Here First

Barack Obama’s campaign staff announced today that he would be giving his acceptance speech during the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. The fact that he will not yet have been formally nominated does not deter him. “Formally shmormally,” an Obama supporter of unknown ethnicity told the AP.

Previously, the Democratic nominee had intended to give his speech at Denver’s Invesco Field, but plans fell through when a number of NFL All-Stars refused to take part in a mock Super Bowl beforehand. Said one unnamed source, “We felt that there was too much danger of getting stabbed if we had to wear those official Barack Obama flag lapel pins.”

A number of major musical acts will travel with the candidate to perform at his ceremony in China. Among these will be the reunited Beatles.

“He’s more popular right now than Jesus Christ,” John Lennon’s ghost said of the Democratic mega-star. “And more powerful, too. George and I have been trying to get Jesus to give us one more chance, but he kept saying he couldn’t. Obama got the job done.”

When questioned about the wisdom of the venue, Howard Dean, the Democratic National Committee Chairman, said, “Look. The guy is running for the biggest job in showbiz. It’s only fitting that the entire planet be able to see the big changes we have in store. Barack Obama will definitely not be your father’s King of the World.”

Dean warned the globe’s populace to wear protective sunglasses during the speech. “Believe me,” he said, “when you see that giant Obama head projected onto the sun, it’ll knock your eyes out. But I don’t mean that literally. We want to make sure that no one stares directly into his face without taking the proper precautions.”

Since the candidate hopes to appeal to everyone, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, age, or geographic location, plans are also underway to beam his image onto the moon. Dean said, “Barack Obama wanted to make sure that even those unfortunates who are experiencing night-time during the speech can bask in his light. He’s that kind of caring person.”

Obama’s appearance will be preceded by seventy-two hours of prayer led by leaders of thousands of religious denominations. Even atheists will be included, Obama promised, as long as they’re people of faith.

John McCain, not to be outdone, has also changed the venue of his acceptance speech. He will now speak in the solarium of Dr. Olfarts Senior Center in Babbitt City, Minnesota. Tickets are free for anyone presenting a Depends box-top.

Libertarian candidate Bob Barr and Socialist candidate Brian Moore could be reached for comment, but we didn’t feel like printing anything they said.