Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Breaking Obama News: Read It Here First

Barack Obama’s campaign staff announced today that he would be giving his acceptance speech during the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. The fact that he will not yet have been formally nominated does not deter him. “Formally shmormally,” an Obama supporter of unknown ethnicity told the AP.

Previously, the Democratic nominee had intended to give his speech at Denver’s Invesco Field, but plans fell through when a number of NFL All-Stars refused to take part in a mock Super Bowl beforehand. Said one unnamed source, “We felt that there was too much danger of getting stabbed if we had to wear those official Barack Obama flag lapel pins.”

A number of major musical acts will travel with the candidate to perform at his ceremony in China. Among these will be the reunited Beatles.

“He’s more popular right now than Jesus Christ,” John Lennon’s ghost said of the Democratic mega-star. “And more powerful, too. George and I have been trying to get Jesus to give us one more chance, but he kept saying he couldn’t. Obama got the job done.”

When questioned about the wisdom of the venue, Howard Dean, the Democratic National Committee Chairman, said, “Look. The guy is running for the biggest job in showbiz. It’s only fitting that the entire planet be able to see the big changes we have in store. Barack Obama will definitely not be your father’s King of the World.”

Dean warned the globe’s populace to wear protective sunglasses during the speech. “Believe me,” he said, “when you see that giant Obama head projected onto the sun, it’ll knock your eyes out. But I don’t mean that literally. We want to make sure that no one stares directly into his face without taking the proper precautions.”

Since the candidate hopes to appeal to everyone, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, age, or geographic location, plans are also underway to beam his image onto the moon. Dean said, “Barack Obama wanted to make sure that even those unfortunates who are experiencing night-time during the speech can bask in his light. He’s that kind of caring person.”

Obama’s appearance will be preceded by seventy-two hours of prayer led by leaders of thousands of religious denominations. Even atheists will be included, Obama promised, as long as they’re people of faith.

John McCain, not to be outdone, has also changed the venue of his acceptance speech. He will now speak in the solarium of Dr. Olfarts Senior Center in Babbitt City, Minnesota. Tickets are free for anyone presenting a Depends box-top.

Libertarian candidate Bob Barr and Socialist candidate Brian Moore could be reached for comment, but we didn’t feel like printing anything they said.

12 comments:

yunshui said...

"giant Obama head projected onto the sun..."

I don't usually hold with txt msg-speak, but: ROFLMAO!

If you were in charge of election coverage, Ex, I'd buy a TV just so I could get CNN.

Father Shaggy said...

You forgot to not quote Nader and McKinney.

PhillyChief said...

Well at least 21% of atheists will get to participate in the 72 hour prayerfest. How nice.

Look, people are stupid in this country, so he's gonna put on one hell of a concert tour to win votes. That's what works. I think he should also appear as a judge for the Miss America AND Miss USA pageants, American Idol, and fill in for Judge Judy.

The Exterminator said...

yunshui:
ROFLMAO? Wasn't he the fairy tale character who spun mediocre candidates into gold?

Shaggy:
McKinney is only a candidate for the Green Party nomination, so she doesn't count enough yet not to be quoted. As far as Nader goes, I haven't been quoting him for years.

Philly:
I think Judge Judy would be an excellent Supreme Court appointment. I can imagine her saying to fundy picketers: Do I look like I need any help from you?

the chaplain said...

Wonderful creative writing. I'd love to see Judge Judy and Judge Mathis on the Supreme Court. Maybe Judge Joe Brown too.

John Evo said...

This is the kind of writing you do best, Ex. You should have sold this one to Mother Jones, The Onion or Rolling Stone.

Did you know Obama took so much shit for his FISA stand at my.obama.com that he actually responded to peoples concerns? Too bad he didn't do the right thing on that one. It's a concern and a good reason to keep giving him shit. Then again, I'll give him credit where it's due. I don't know any other Presidential candidate who would have bothered to try to clarify his thinking in that manner.

Hey, when we said we wanted a different kind of politician, we forgot to say "except don't go out amongst the rabble". Yeah, that giving an acceptance speech in a stadium full of commoners is a bit much for us elitists.

Spanish Inquisitor said...

That's fucken awesome, man. Reminds me of The Borowitz Report, only better.

Venjanz said...

Hahah good one!

Ever seen this blog?

http://obamamessiah.blogspot.com/

PhillyChief said...

Oh my, someone has some graphic skills over there. LOL!

the chaplain said...

Venjanz:

That Obama site is too fucking funny. Thanks for the link.

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Say what you want about Barr (he's eccentric, whatever) BUT, at this point, he's the only candidate I really trust on Iraq now.

ng2000 said...

Another resource for you: http://www.ng2000.com/fw.php?tp=obama