Tuesday, July 15, 2008

If It's Adultery, Of Course It's Not Marriage

Ah, the Ten Commandments. Christians and Jews would have us believe that they're universal, so I decided to test that hypothesis.

I had a little difficulty at the very beginning, because actually there are Twelve Commandments. Different religious traditions organize them in various ways. But in the simple English version of Wik-sodus, these Twelve Commandments are:

  1. I am the Lord your God.
  2. You shall have no other gods before me.
  3. You shall not make for yourself an idol.
  4. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God.
  5. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
  6. Honor your father and mother.
  7. You shall not murder.
  8. You shall not commit adultery.
  9. You shall not steal.
  10. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
  11. You shall not covet your neighbor's house.
  12. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.
OK, I'd gotten my Commandments in a format easy enough for a child to understand, and I wanted to see how they'd make their way around the world. How could I do that?

Only one way: Google Translate.

So I carefully entered the Twelve Commandments in Wikinglish, and then I sent that text flying all over the linguistic globe. Here's the route: English to Arabic to Bulgarian to traditional Chinese to Croatian to Czech to Danish to Dutch to Finnish to French to German to Greek to Hindi to Italian to Japanese to Korean to Norwegian to Polish to Portuguese to Romanian to Russian to Spanish to Swedish. Those are the 23 languages that Google has made available. From Swedish, I made the final translation back to English, since — as any American fundamentalist can tell you that's the actual language of Jesus.

The final result is the True and Authentic Universal Version of the Twelve Commandments, just as God meant them to be:
  1. I am your God weeks.
  2. Also from all other sins.
  3. "The presence of the image.
  4. In order to combat violence in the name of God.
  5. Do not forget, Saturday, in order to protect a sacred animal.
  6. His father and mother.
  7. Sueopseup dead.
  8. This is not marriage.
  9. If the state.
  10. It is perjury and neighbors.
  11. This should be away from home sueopseup people.
  12. In May a woman was approaching.
Forgive me for not knowing exactly how to pronounce the character " in the Third Commandment; I think it may be a variant of the click sound found in Xhosa, although I have no idea how it made its way into the translation. My guess is: the Bulgarians snuck it in.

I should also point out that we learn, from the final translated version of the Fifth Commandment, the name of the person to whom God was speaking. It was not Moses, as commonly believed; it was Saturday.

I'm sorry that I can't identify exactly who the Sueopseup people are, but I suspect that they may be the Hittites. In any case, they're either dead or away from home, so don't expect them to protect your sacred animal.

Even though I have no evidence, I'd like to believe that the approaching woman was beautiful. But I do wish she had chosen to wear something other than traditional Sueopseup garb.


Anonymous said...

Actually, Saturday was the Sueopseup queen, who ruled the Seuopseup queendom over 3000 years ago. It was her tradition to come out of her castle every May and slaughter a wombat for a banquet feast. The wombat, used in Seuopseupan ritual sacrifices, would make a gargling sound when killed, similar the the clicks in Xhosa.

John Morales said...


PhillyChief said...

So the truth of her hotness is more universal than the alleged truth of the bible? Well that doesn't surprise me. Charlize Theron is hot! That truth should translate well in any language, clicks or not.

Anonymous said...

It seems oddly... zen. I can imagine someone like Basho churning this out. There's a strange new beauty in the commandments now.

John Evo said...

Here is the Sueopseup queen from 1213 BCE. I believe in following all of her commandments. 10, 12, 900.

Anonymous said...

Oh, man, the Swedish translator got #12 all wrong. That one should not say, "In May a woman was approaching."

It should be more like this:

"One splendid morning in May, a brilliant young atheist might have been seen riding an old gray mare along Main St. on her way to the Haunted Mansion."

The Exterminator said...

Thanks for clearing that up. I was under the impression that the Sueopseup people might be some kind of soup-worshippers.

I ran LOL through Google Translate for a few rounds -- not the whole world-tour of 23 languages -- but I still wound up with LOL. So, obviously, if god had really been interested in making the Twelve Commandments understandable throughout the entire world, he would have written them in IM-talk.

That truth should translate well in any language, clicks or not.
I don't know about you, but I'd be happy to click with Charlize Theron any time.

OK, you MUST be a newlywed. You're surrounded by guys who sent links to pictures of beautiful women -- but YOU include a link to Basho?

I think you may have your date wrong. If I remember my history correctly, that queen reigned in 1,000,000 BCE.

Yeah, I noticed the similarity between the True and Authentic Universal Version of the Twelfth Commandment and that quote from Joseph Grand. But, after all, didn't "your God weeks" create The Plague?

Venjanz said...

Interestingly enough, if you take the first list of 12, and substitute "sabbath" for "penis" in # 5, this is exactly what I require of a girlfriend.

I'm still single for some reason.


DB said...

This was absolutely hilarious. The way I see it, they pretty much translate the Bible however they see fit anyways so why should the omniscient and omnipresent Google be any different?

btw, the "English, since — as any American fundamentalist can tell you — that's the actual language of Jesus" line had me lmao. Good post.

The Exterminator said...

I'm still single for some reason.
Maybe it's your breath. Did you know that Certs are (is?) two mints in one?

I love "the omniscient and omnipresent Google." Do you think it's also omnibenevolent and omnipotent? If so, then whence cometh Internet Evil?

PhillyChief said...

Certs? LOL! And should he get a new leisure suit as well? Oh, he should also practice his dancing, because I hear this new Disco thing is going to be BIG.

John Evo said...

Philly, are you saying Ex is dated? That he's one of those Perrier sipping elitists?

The Exterminator said...

So are you saying that Certs isn't two mints in one. You must be some kind of anti-American if you think that. There's only one other mint in the whole wide world that has dual value, and that's Doublemint Gum, which, as every idiot knows, doubles your pleasure and doubles your fun.

As far as Disco goes: I never went for that newfangled faddish stuff. The minuet is my dance of choice.

To defend Philly briefly here, I don't think he's claiming that I'm dated. He knows perfectly well that I'm happily married.

PhillyChief said...

Do they make either of those things anymore, or do you have to special order them online like Pop Rocks?

I miss RC Cola. A couple of packets of Pop Rocks and some RC Cola = fun. Well it did when I was 8, but so did Star Wars and I still like that movie.

The Exterminator said...

Philly asked:
Do they make either of those things anymore?
I'm not sure. My Certs-eating days are long over. Nowadays, if my breath stinks, I just brush my teeth. And as far as Doublemint goes, I've found that I much prefer a gum that makes my teeth twinkle. It's comforting to know that people and animals can find me in the dark.

Anonymous said...

Surely that would depend on what sort of animal finds you in the dark?

John Evo said...

Philly, we still have RC (Royal Crown) Cola out here.

And you guys aren't seriously discussing whether they still make Certs and Doublemint gum are you? By the way, as any "Chief" should know, there's only one real gum - Juicy Fruit.

PhillyChief said...

Is all that stuff in the section of the store with the Centrum Silver, Metamucil, and the Glucosamine and Chondroitin supplements? I never go over there because it stinks of Ben Gay.

John Evo said...

That's funny, because I just bought a generic Ben Gay (or is that Ben Homosexual?) for my daughter, who has been having a lot of back pain from volleyball. It smells exactly like I remember Ben Gay (whatever...) smelling - only stronger! I told her not to put it on prior to any kind of date or outing with friends.

NO, it's NOT in that section - you young whippersnapper. It's with the Beano, the stool softener and the underwear liners.

PhillyChief said...

Are the underwear liners like trainers before you move on to the Depends?

Btw, look for Tiger Balm. That blows Ben Gay away. (Man, that sounded wrong)

Anonymous said...

That blows Ben Gay away. (Man, that sounded wrong)

It sounds better than "That blows Ben Homosexual away."

John Evo said...

@ chappy - :)

@ Philly

Are the underwear liners like trainers before you move on to the Depends?

It's for the dribble problem. But, yes.

DB said...

Ex: Microsoft is the evil!


The Exterminator said...

But if Microsoft is neither able nor willing to prevent cyberEvil, why call it Microsoft?

DB said...

Damn Epicurus! Even beats Google. /Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Somehow I think this whole post was nothing more than an excuse to run a photo of Ex's fantasy dream girl. Of course, that could be the wine talking.


The Exterminator said...

Somehow I think this whole post was nothing more than an excuse to run a photo of Ex's fantasy dream girl.

No fantasy. You just gotta have faith. Or, to be more specific, I do.