Polls That Make You Say "Pew"

You may not have read about all the following recent polls. Here's the way the yes answers were further classified.

Are you an atheist?

• Yes, I don’t believe in any gods (79% of atheists)
• Yes, but I believe in one or more gods (21% of atheists)

Do you accept the theory of evolution?

• Yes, I believe in natural selection without any supernatural “intelligence” involved (19%)
  
• Yes, but not without a god hypothesis (76%)
• Only until I get my Ph.D. so I can go to work for the Discovery Institute (5%)
  

Are you a vegetarian?

• Yes, I never eat meat of any kind (54%)
• Yes, but I have a steak sandwich twice a week (27%)
• Yes, unless my spouse makes that terrific meat loaf (11%)
• Yes, but only if you count veal, pork, beef, possum, and squirrel as vegetables (8%)
  

Are you pro-life?

• Yes, I don’t think we should kill any person, animal, or plant, including fetuses and seeds (1%)
• Yes, but I don’t mind pulling weeds (22%)
• Yes, but I believe in experimenting on animals to test cosmetics (13%)
• Yes, but I think it’s OK to bomb non-Americans (38%)
• Yes, but I’ve been known to snipe into crowds of infidels (10%)
• Yes, and I’d gladly kill anyone who isn’t (16%)

Would you vote for a woman for president?

• Yes, it’s about fucking time, regardless of her political views (Knee-jerk feminists)
• Yes, but only if she’s hot (Sports Illustrated readers)
• Yes, but only over my dead body (He-Man Woman Haters Club)
• Yes, but only if my wife insisted (Hen-pecked husbands)
• Yes, but only if her bowel movements are regular (Jamie Lee Curtis)

Would you vote for an atheist for president?

• Yes, but only if he or she weren’t some asshat neo-con (Chappy, Evo, Ex, OG, Philly, SI)
• Yes, but only if he or she were a person of faith (the Democratic Party)
• Yes, but only if he or she were one of the 21% who believe in God (Pew Forum staff)
• Yes, but only if he were a guy (He-Man Woman Haters Freethinking Club)

Are you a supporter of the U.S. Constitution?

• Yes, I think the Constitution is the Law of the Land (0.5%)
• Yes, but not the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment (Barack Obama)
• Yes, but not the Fourth Amendment (Barack Obama)
• Yes, but not the parts about how to run the government (Republicans)
• Yes, but only when I can tell you what it really means (The Supreme Court)

Have you read any books other than the Bible this year?

• Yes, I’ve read many books this year (3%)
• Yes, but only the ones advertised on TV (most Americans)
• Yes, but only if the BIBLE COUNTS!!!!!!! (Fundagelicals)
• Yes, if you include text messages ROFLMAO (Milliennials)
• Yes, I’ve straightened up hundreds of them on our shelves (Barnes & Noble employees)

Do you vote? If so, which is more important to you: Who wins American Idol or who wins the U.S. Presidential Election?

• American Idol (Your neighbor)
• U.S. Presidential Election (the Founding Fathers)
• They’re equally important (John McCain)
• Neither is important (Oil companies)

Have you ever lied to a pollster?

• Yes, but not to you (43%)
• Yes, but only to you (56%)
• Yes, I can’t stand people from Poland (George W. Bush)