Tuesday, August 26, 2008

An Excerpt from My Narrative

As we all know, nowadays it’s not sufficient for a presidential candidate to stand on the right side of all the issues. He has to have a narrative, a story of a life dedicated, from infancy, to the themes that appear in his present-day speeches. His campaign staff must produce a stirring, motivational documentary, intoned by a rich and resonant voice, showing how the candidate’s childhood helped shape the youngster into the dynamic adult force he is today.

Unfortunately, in my case, I’m afraid that the filmmakers would have to resort to a heavy dose of fabrication. I didn’t have any themes as a kid, except for maybe wangling to get my mother to buy Sugar Pops instead of Shredded Wheat. Still, I know that if The Exterminator/Chaplain ticket is going to be a viable one, the audience at our convention deserves to see an inspirational movie. We’ve already invested in plenty of buttered popcorn, so what the hell, huh?

OK, then. It’s your lucky day, because here’s a short excerpt from The Man From “Bullshit”: A Word We Can Believe In.

Imagine, if you will, a Gregory Peck type reading the following rousing script, as a montage of appropriate Bronx childhood pictures, bathed in a warm and surreal glow, flickers on the screen.


When that young boy's mother, struggling, as all American mothers did, to make sure her children grew up happy and healthy in a world that cared about everyone, regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual preference, or sports affiliation ...

... when that mother looked up at her inexpensive clock, the only clock the family could afford, with a second hand that took more than a minute and a half to make its poor but proud circuit ...

... when she looked and saw that it was time for her son to get his much needed, life-enhancing rest in his humble, but red, fireman pajamas ...

... pajamas which were made by American workers toiling in American factories on American soil with American needles and American thread, and paid for with American credit that accumulated American interest ...

... when that young boy’s mother would see him in those pajamas, rather than his street clothes, she’d know in her heart, even then, how well she had impressed upon him the crucial need for change ...

... and when she would summon up the meager energy she had left after a grueling day of working in an office for an uncaring boss who actually made her work in that office, although he never did manage to pronounce her name correctly ...

... when that mother would whisper, "Ex, it's time for you to go to bed" ...

... then ...

... then that young boy, with the spark of greatness already deep in his non-soul, would say, "Ma" ...

... and that word “Ma” would be imbued with the lovely loving love and the hopeful hoping hope that all boys in this beautiful and free land of beauty and freedom feel when they speak their mother’s name ...

... "Ma," he would say, in the same strong and ringing tones, and in the very same straight-talking phrase he might still use today when faced with a similarly difficult problem ...

... “Ma,” he would say. "I'm not convinced."

11 comments:

Venjanz said...

FYI-

John McCain has an 18" (erect)penis and chops down trees with "The Enforcer" as a hobby, and he can also breakdance.

And one time John McCain got pulled over and failed a field sobriety test, and McCain let the cop off with a warning.

Ordinary Girl said...

Uh Venjanz, don't you mean Walker Texas Ranger?

The Exterminator said...

Venjanz:
Ummm ... it appears that you've erroneously added some inspiring bits from Millard Fillmore's narrative.

OG:
I didn't even know Chuck Norris needed a narrative. Isn't he a fictional character?

grumpylion said...

Cut the crap, Ex! Just tell us how many countries you intend to bomb.

The Exterminator said...

grumpy:
Just tell us how many countries you intend to bomb.
As of this moment, thirty-nine. I might shade that down if Liechtenstein falls into line. But I'm not taking any options off the table. In fact, there are so many options on my table, that I have to eat standing up.

John Evo said...

What about the time you ripped a bible in half with your bare hands?

So what if you opened to the middle of the book and tore it down the spine? It's the heart-warming symbolism more than your brute strength that will win you votes on this one. Plus - you were only four, for Darwin's sake.

the chaplain said...

Ex, our ticket may be in trouble: I don't have an 18" penis. But, since Hillary isn't using her balls any more, maybe I can borrow hers for a couple of months.

yinyang said...

Red pajamas? ::gasps:: How communist!

The Exterminator said...

Evo:
To be honest, it wasn't really a bible I ripped in half with my bare hands. It was just a brochure for the local Baptist church. You probably got fooled into thinking it was the bible, because they both mention Jesus the same amount of times.

chappy:
After watching Hillary's speech tonight, I'm thinking she's putting those balls of hers to pretty good use. However, we'll see if we can get you fitted with a pros-pee-sis.

yinny:
Welcome back to the Atheosphere; I've missed you both at your own blog and here. But you're dead wrong about those red pajamas. The reason I wore red pajamas was to keep my firemen's suspenders up.

EnoNomi said...

Now I was expecting, based on the title, that at the end of the story would be that poor hard working woman telling you to had to change out of those shit stained pajamas.

The Exterminator said...

Eno:
...based on the title ...
You and I must be using different definitions of "excerpt."