Sunday, August 10, 2008

I Am Sooooo Sorry

Yesterday, I made a serious error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core disbeliefs. I recognized my mistake and I told my wife that I had eaten the last of her fat-free ersatz peanut butter and chocolate-flavored goo ice cream, and I asked for her forgiveness. Although I was honest in every painful detail with my family, I did not tell the public. When a supermarket tabloid told a version of the story, I used the fact that the story contained many falsities to deny it. (For example, I did not bury my face in the carton and lick it out; I merely used my fingers and elbows.) But being 99% fat-free and honest is no longer enough.

I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices, and I had hoped that it would never become public. With my family, I took responsibility for my actions yesterday, and today I take full responsibility publicly. But that misconduct took place for a short period last night, probably no more than two or three minutes of frenzied gorging. It ended then. I am and have been willing to take any test necessary to establish the fact that I did not actually bite into the carton itself, and I am truly hopeful that a test will be done so this fact can be definitively established. I only know that the apparent culprit, who has meowed publicly that he batted the carton around the living-room when I neglected to throw it in the garbage, is the one who, in fact, left toothmarks on it. I also have not been engaged in any activity of any description that requested, agreed to or supported payments of any kind to my local sanitation workers or to that cat.

It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry. In the course of hundreds of blog posts, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric, narcissistic, and hungry. If you want to beat me up – feel free. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. I have a self-inflicted bloody nose and several small cuts on my left knee. I have been stripped bare and, believe me, it was not a pretty sight, particularly since I had chocolate droppings still remaining in my navel. But I will now work with everything I have to help my family and other ice cream lovers who need my help.

I have given a complete interview to my vet on this matter and having done so, will have nothing more to say.

Addendum: Well, I do have something more to say, after all. Not that this justifies my actions in any way, but my wife was temporarily off her diet when I stole her ice cream.


Anonymous said...

By violating the trust of the ice cream you do realize that you're now going to have to answer to the Popsicle Lobby? They are quite powerful, they have truck roaming the streets of almost every suburban neighborhood. I'm afraid it may invalidate your run for President.

Anonymous said...

The first correction didn't publish, sorry if it get duplicated

I meant to say they have trucks, more than just a single vehicle

PhillyChief said...

What's so hard about keeping your spoon in the drawer? How can we ever trust you again, and how can we trust your judgement on anything else? Your political career is over. What's Chappie gonna do now?

infinity said...

This truly does seem like a public matter, so it's good that you posted it as such.

I do believe that it is your duty to keep us abreast of all further salivating ice cream matters.

Oh, and for the record, I don't eat anything but vanilla ice cream and very rarely- just when it's really, really hot out.

Spanish Inquisitor said...

I'm trusting it was Moose Tracks. If so, I can understand your failings. I can't condone them, but I can empathize.

PhillyChief said...

Well I need more than vanilla, and for that matter I need more than peanut butter and chocolate-flavored goo ice cream. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Infinity, that is the defintion of liberty.

FFWD to 6:10

iambilly said...

Ex: I am asking you once, and only once, to stay away from (((Wife)))'s ice cream.

PhillyChief said...

What if (((Wife))) prefers Ex's spoon?

The Exterminator said...

I said I was sorry. Isn't that good enough for the American people?

What's so hard about keeping your spoon in the drawer?
As long as you mention my spoon, I'm also sorry that it cost $400, when most other citizens of our great country use plastic ones that cost less than a 4 cents apiece.

I don't eat anything but vanilla ice cream and very rarely- just when it's really, really hot out.
Well, in my defense, it was really, really, really hot, and that ice cream looked so invitingly at me.

No, it wasn't Moose Tracks. But the kind of ice cream with which a person cheats is immaterial. I acknowledged that I was wrong.

I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Infinity, that is the defintion of liberty.
You're right, of course. But many years ago I took a solemn vow not to eat fat-free ice cream.

Your (((Wife))) pushed her ice cream on me. What could I do? I'm just a man, after all.

What if (((Wife))) prefers Ex's spoon?
As well she might. That utensil is worth 400 bucks. It looks pretty goddamned good, if I do say so myself.

Anonymous said...

Not only are you a cad, you are getting very silly. That goes for all of you. The Department of Silly Cads will be investigating your ice cream licenses with a view towards putting them in the deep freeze.

John Evo said...

Ex, to help you out on this - you DO love your wife. And it's safe to say that you never really loved the ice cream, despite how close you were. I hope.

PhillyChief said...

Love your ice cream, just don't LOVE your ice cream.

Anonymous said...

Ex's spoon? No. (((Wife))) doesn't collect miniatures.

Anonymous said...

Ex - as your running mate, I am deeply disappointed that I had to find out about your moral weakness on a blog, of all places. Not the Enquirer or Star, but a goddamn blog. The only thing I have to say to you is, if you know what's good for you, you'll keep your fucking spoon away from my fucking freezer.

Anonymous said...

Aside from my continuing issue with pluralization of words, I must say that you could have sold this story to an interested party and really cashed in. Maybe get a Ben & Jerry's tie-in and become a spokesperson.

DB said...

If you are going to violate your wife's trust, why not go all out? Why settle on fat-free ersatz peanut butter and chocolate-flavored goo ice cream when you could have had so much more bang for your buck?? I am more disappointed in your lack of effort my friend, than the lie itself.

The Exterminator said...

The Department of Silly Cads has been renamed. It is now called the Department of Caddish Sillies. Please reference the new name on all your official correspondence.

Well, you're right about my loving my wife, but I'm afraid that my relationship with ice cream goes back many years.

One can't LOVE ice cream. Why not? One word: Shrinkage.

Every now and then, I make an exception and dig into my huge collection of forks.

No one is more ashamed of me than I am, myself. My only justification is that Satan tempted me, and I wasn't strong enough to resist. Goddamn that Devil! Isn't it amazing that whenever I do something wrong, it turns out to be his fault?

I was hoping for a contract with Häagen-Dazs. I've always been partial to umlauts, especially when they're covered with hot fudge and sprinkles. (But, as John Edwards said to Elizabeth, "I'll pass on the crushed nuts, if you don't mind.")

Why settle on fat-free ersatz peanut butter and chocolate-flavored goo ice cream when you could have had so much more bang for your buck??
The point is: I didn't go out of my way looking for an opportunity; the FFEPB&CFG just made itself available, and I was too weak to say no.

yunshui said...

I think you're being too hard on yourself. The Great American Public is a generous and forgiving entity, and will surely accept your reasons. We've all been in similar situations. Why, with years of therapy (and possibly surgery), you could re-enter society as a happy and productive citizen. Then you can go on Oprah and make a mint!

(that's "mint" as in "money", not "choc-chip". Stop salivating.)

tina FCD said...

Ice cream....ICE CREAM! You're blogging about ice cream? What the fuck! I NEED to find a blog with a RANT! Ahhhhhhhh....!

Okay, I'm calmer now. :)

The Exterminator said...

I've already been contacted by the Oprah people to appear on her show. But one condition is that my wife come on to show that she's standing by me. And she's too pissed off to do that.

Why would you come to a gentle, soft-spoken blog like mine if you're looking for a FUCKING RANT?

Anonymous said...

Ex -

You can't rename the Dept of Silly Cads. I sold the renaming rights to a Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip addict. But if you're really desperate you can buy them back from him for several pints of Ben & Jerry's something-or-other and a set of graduated ice cream spoons. He'll be hanging out in back of my local Starbucks, next to the dumpster, from midnight to dawn. He's the one in the camo hat.