Saturday, July 12, 2008

Polls That Make You Say "Pew"

You may not have read about all the following recent polls. Here's the way the yes answers were further classified.

Are you an atheist?

  • Yes, I don’t believe in any gods (79% of atheists)
  • Yes, but I believe in one or more gods (21% of atheists)
Do you accept the theory of evolution?
  • Yes, I believe in natural selection without any supernatural “intelligence” involved (19%)
  • Yes, but not without a god hypothesis (76%)
  • Only until I get my Ph.D. so I can go to work for the Discovery Institute (5%)
Are you a vegetarian?
  • Yes, I never eat meat of any kind (54%)
  • Yes, but I have a steak sandwich twice a week (27%)
  • Yes, unless my spouse makes that terrific meat loaf (11%)
  • Yes, but only if you count veal, pork, beef, possum, and squirrel as vegetables (8%)
Are you pro-life?
  • Yes, I don’t think we should kill any person, animal, or plant, including fetuses and seeds (1%)
  • Yes, but I don’t mind pulling weeds (22%)
  • Yes, but I believe in experimenting on animals to test cosmetics (13%)
  • Yes, but I think it’s OK to bomb non-Americans (38%)
  • Yes, but I’ve been known to snipe into crowds of infidels (10%)
  • Yes, and I’d gladly kill anyone who isn’t (16%)
Would you vote for a woman for president?
  • Yes, it’s about fucking time, regardless of her political views (Knee-jerk feminists)
  • Yes, but only if she’s hot (Sports Illustrated readers)
  • Yes, but only over my dead body (He-Man Woman Haters Club)
  • Yes, but only if my wife insisted (Hen-pecked husbands)
  • Yes, but only if her bowel movements are regular (Jamie Lee Curtis)
Would you vote for an atheist for president?
  • Yes, but only if he or she weren’t some asshat neo-con (Chappy, Evo, Ex, OG, Philly, SI)
  • Yes, but only if he or she were a person of faith (the Democratic Party)
  • Yes, but only if he or she were one of the 21% who believe in God (Pew Forum staff)
  • Yes, but only if he were a guy (He-Man Woman Haters Freethinking Club)
Are you a supporter of the U.S. Constitution?
  • Yes, I think the Constitution is the Law of the Land (0.5%)
  • Yes, but not the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment (Barack Obama)
  • Yes, but not the Fourth Amendment (Barack Obama)
  • Yes, but not the parts about how to run the government (Republicans)
  • Yes, but only when I can tell you what it really means (The Supreme Court)
Have you read any books other than the Bible this year?
  • Yes, I’ve read many books this year (3%)
  • Yes, but only the ones advertised on TV (most Americans)
  • Yes, but only if the BIBLE COUNTS!!!!!!! (Fundagelicals)
  • Yes, if you include text messages ROFLMAO (Milliennials)
  • Yes, I’ve straightened up hundreds of them on our shelves (Barnes & Noble employees)
Do you vote? If so, which is more important to you: Who wins American Idol or who wins the U.S. Presidential Election?
  • American Idol (Your neighbor)
  • U.S. Presidential Election (the Founding Fathers)
  • They’re equally important (John McCain)
  • Neither is important (Oil companies)
Have you ever lied to a pollster?
  • Yes, but not to you (43%)
  • Yes, but only to you (56%)
  • Yes, I can’t stand people from Poland (George W. Bush)


John Evo said...


Actually, not really doing that. But I did smile a lot (more than all other smiles in past 2 days combined) and had some good chuckles. Thanks.

The Exterminator said...

I consider that a pretty big compliment. Now are we going to have to send some attractive woman over there to tickle you?

Anonymous said...

You forgot to include "Dr" Michael Bisconti's reason to vote for a woman...

Anonymous said...

How did you conduct these polls? What were the margins of error? Why haven't you shown your work? Do you want us to take your word for it, based solely on your authority as either a god-being or a god-being's messenger, that this is a true and accurate presentation of the facts? What sort of fools do you take use for, theists?

PhillyChief said...

The new phrase for 21st century America - "Yes, but..."

The Exterminator said...

Now that you're newly married, you'd better be careful about even quoting that anti-woman stuff. While we're at it, does Mrs. Klaudzenwatta know how you spend your non-bedroom time?

FYI: The margins of error were 100%.

Thanks for pointing out that I inadvertently came up with the slogan for the Millennials. If the next generation can figure out a way to make a smiley out of it so that they don't have to spell "yes" or "but," it could stick around for years to come.

Anonymous said...

As it happens, my computer is in the bedroom, so she gets to watch...

On a similarly smutty note, I returned to work today to find that the new internet software they've installed blocks No More Hornets, believing it to be chock-full of porn. I was confused, to say the least. Where are you hiding it?

Spanish Inquisitor said...

Where was this poll?

Wait! I'll bet I know. It was over at that great new podcast site, Another Goddamned Podcast, right?

I gotta check that out more often. Maybe everyone else should too?